Mom VS Technology

Mom: Ummmm.....I think I may have broken your TV
Me: What? What do you mean you BROKE it?
Mom: Well it's off now and I can't get it working again.
Me: Well, what did you do?
Mom: I pushed the big silver button on the remote and it went black and now I can't turn it on again.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And for those of you who don't know, we have a "dummy" remote...it literally has a button that says "watch TV" next to it.

But this kind of thing is pretty typical of my mother. She actually has a black and white TV. And she gets out of her chair to change the channel. Mom doesn't like technology. She's about 30 years behind the rest of us in this regard. Maybe more. Like, for example, she has an aswering machine. Not voice mail. An external machine that records messages. She doesn't trust voice mail.

Mom: I'd love to get a typewriter
Me: What?!
Mom: Yeah, an old fashioned one. Not a modern electric one
Me: WHAT!!?! What for?
Mom: For writing
Me: Writing what, Mom? What the hell are you writing that warrants a typewriter?
Mom: Oh, anything. Poems.
Me: Aw Jeez...
Mom: Yeah, I think it would be neat to type stuff out
Me: You know, they have this neat little device now called a computer
Mom: Oh I don't want one of those
Me: No. Of course not. You would rather hammer out a poem on an old manual typewriter. You can't even type! Good grief!

See, Mom thinks there is some kind of romance attached to old things or doing things the old (AKA slow, inefficient, unneccessary) way. She likes to drag things out and hates to learn anything new. Like I've said before, she still thinks it's 1974 and she'd like to preserve that illusion as long as possible. I suppose a typewriter would not have been a wierd thing to own in 1974. Or an answering machine.

But then, on the other hand, Mom is kind of fascinated with technology. She's amazed by it, like someone who has been living without contact with modern society for her whole life. Imagine plucking someone out of the jungles of Guinea and showing them an iPod. Same reaction.

Mom (picking up my cordless house phone, eyes wide): Ohhhhhhhh!!!! Is this a Blackberry?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Zoe recently got one of those new fancy schmancy cameras with all the bells and whistles and gave her old digital camera to Mom. This thing is about 5 years old and it was a cheapy to start with, so to you and I this is nothing special. But to Mom, she has stepped into the space age. She has never ever owned or used a camera that doesn't use film. I can't adequately describe how funny it is for her to take a picture with it, but I'll try....

Mom gets out the camera and outs on one of her multiple pairs of glasses. It takes her about 30 seconds to find the "on" switch. That doesn't shound like a long time but just take a moment to count that out and you'll see. Then when the lens pops out her eyes get wide like she's amazed that's happening and she's wondering if maybe there's a little man inside that pushes it out. Then she lines up her shot. She selects the appropriate glasses form the pile on her head, holds up the camera and frowns at the screen. She lifts her finger to hit the button to take the picture and stops.

Mom (muttering to herself): Why is this....hmmmm....how do I?....ummmmm.....

I go over to help.
Me: Mom, you have it on the setting to view your pictures. here. Slide this thing up to the top...there.

Back to lining up the shot. Finger up to hit the button. ZZRRRMMMM...that's the sound of the lens going back into the camera because she hit the on-off button instead of the the shutter.

Mom: Did I get it?
Me: Yes. Now can we PLEASE stop smiling and blow out the goddam candles?

SIGH. Other people's mothers are on Facebook, doing online dating, using computers at work, taking digital pictures and uploading them to the Internet, listening to music on iPods....not my mother. She's two-finger typing out her poetry on an old manual typewriter, using a 25 year old dictionary and thesarus for reference....by candle light.

Gordon

Gavin and Mark went for a little walk yesterday evening. When they got home, Gavin introduced me to his new friend, a little caterpillar he had found on the road. He had it in his little bug house which is basically a screened box with a handle.

Gavin: Look Mom! I got a cata-uh-cat-cat-er-pil-LER!

Me: Ooooooohhhh! Look at that!

Gavin: He was on da woad and I didn’t want him to get run over by a car.

Me: Oh, very good…

Gavin: And we have gween fings in dere for him! (shows me the leaves and grass they gave it to eat)

Mark: What are you gonna name him?

Gavin: Uhhhhh….nofing. He’s just a caterpillar.

Mark: He’s gotta have a name. You can name him anything you want!

Gavin: Ummmmmmmmmm

Mark: How about Casey? Casey the caterpillar?

Gavin: Yeah, yeah. Uh, Casey. Ok!

So we take “Casey” and find him a safe spot on Gavin’s bookshelf to wait for Gavin to get ready for bed. Gavin getting ready for bed:

Gavin: Mom, I don’t want to call my caterpillar Casey any more

Me: Oh, ok. What should his name be?

Gavin (very decisively): Gordon.

Me: Gordon?

Gavin: Yeah. Gordon. Dat’s a good name!

Me: It sure is!

Gavin: Can Gordon have a sleepover at my house?

Me: Sure he can. But we should ask his Mommy. One sec.

I leave the room to get a phone and quickly fill Mark in on our discussion. I go back to Gavin with the phone and dial “Gordon’s Mommy”.

Ring ring!

Gordon’s Mommy (in a high falsetto voice): Hello?

Me: Hello. This is Gavin’s Mommy. Is this Gordon’s Mommy?

Gordon’s Mommy: Yes. This is Gordon Caterpillar’s Mommy..

Me: Gavin found Gordon on the road and he picked him up and took him to our house because he didn’t want Gordon to get hurt. Is it ok if Gordon sleeps over?

Gordon’s Mommy: Yes, that would be fine. Just make sure he has lots of green things to eat. And thanks you Gavin for keeping my Gordon safe and sound.

Gavin: You’re welcome!.....ummmm….are you a caterpillar?

Gordon’s Mommy: Yes, I’m a caterpillar just like Gordon.

Gavin: Ok. Bye!

So Gavin finishes getting ready for bed and we’re checking on Gordon to make sure he’s all settled for bed. He is on the side of the bug house, on the screen. He’s just hangin out there doing nothing. Gavin pokes him. HARD. REPEATEDLY!

Gavin: Gordon! Are you sleeping? Mom, I want Gordon to eat his gwass.

Me: Oh no no Gavin! You have to be very gentle with caterpillars! They’re very little and you’re very big!

Gavin: OK. Night night Gordon.

Fast forward to this morning. I go wake up Gavin.

Me: Hey let’s check on Gordon!

Gavin jumps out of bed.

We go look. There are now 2 Gordons. Or, more specifically, poor old Gordon is now in 2 pieces. Guess Gavin poked him a little too hard.

Gavin: Why does Gordon have 2 pieces now?

Uh oh.

Gavin: Mom, why? I want him to be one. Why is he 2?

Me: uhhhhhhh

Gavin: Can you make him be one?

Me: Errrr….well, remember when you poked him last night? Well you were a little too rough and you hurt him a little bit. He’ll be ok, but he needs to go home to his Mommy soon.

Gavin: But I don’t want him go home

Me: But caterpillars don’t live in houses, they live outside in the grass.

Gavin (sadly): ok Mom.

Me: But you know what, there are lots of other caterpillars for you to find and maybe we can look for another one later and have another sleepover!

Gavin: Yeah yeah! That would be good! But his name will not be Gordon.

LOL! I love this kid!

Are you joking me?

I love this stage…Gavin is just learning about jokes and he’s got quite a sense of humour.  But he doesn’t always know when someone is messing with him…

Breakfast time.

Me: Hey Gavin, want some of Summer’s banoonoo

Gavin: Banana?

Me: No we’re out of bananas. We only have banoonoos. Want some?

Gavin (frowns): Dat’s a ba-NA-NA

Me (looking at the banana in my hand): No hon it’s a ba –NOO-NOO

Gavin (thinking I might be joking): Noooooo! Moooooom! Dat’s a ba-NA-NA!

Me: Whatever. If you don’t want any Summer will eat it. Here Summer, have some more banoonoo

Gavin: Moooom! But dat’s nota  ba-noo-noo it’s a ba-NA-NUH!!!

Me: No Gavin. It’s a banoonoo. We’re out of bananas. Do you want some or not?

Gavin (thinking): What does it taste like?

Me: Taste it

Gavin tastes a slice: MOM! Dat’s a BAH-NAH-NUH!!!

Mark enters the room.

Gavin: Daddy is did a banana or a banoonoo?

Mark (not skipping a beat): A banoonoo. Why?

Tee hee!

The next day…breakfast time:

Me: Ok Gavin what do you want for breakfast

Gavin (from under the blankets): Sugar toast (NOTE: before anyone gets all up in arms thinking I give my kid sugar toast for breakfast, it’s actually just plain old buttered toast that he THINKS has sugar on it)

Me: Booger toast?

Gavin: No, sugar toast

Me: Okey dokey. Booger toast it is. You want me to use Summer’s boogers? She has too many anyway.

Gavin: Mom! Noooo! Not BOOGER toast! SUGAR toast!

Me: Yeah that’s what I said. Booger toast.

Gavin: SUGAR TOAST!

Me: Booger toast

Gavin (frowning and smiling at the same time): Are you joking me?

I love that he’s not really sure!

Gavin really needs to get over his shyness

I took Gavin to the grocery store this morning. We're in the checkout, Gavin is clutching his Smarties, I'm unloading the cart, and this older couple get in line behind us. Gavin turns to them:

Gavin (holding out his Smarties): Mom is getting me some Smarties
Old guy: Oh? Were you being good?
Gavin: No. Mom says she's disappointed
Old guy (laughing): Oh really?
Gavin: My friend Jay is coming over after nap to play.
Old guy: Oh? What will you play?
Gavin: Cars
Old guy: What else?
Gavin: Trucks:
Old guy: Oh? You like cars and trucks?
Gavin: Yeah. Dey're pretty cool. And we will play MON-STER CHASE!!!!
Old guy (really laughing at this): Oh yeah? What's that? Is that a game?
Gavin: Yeah! You get a room who is dark and you go up to da room and look in to see if there is any monsters and den you say MONSTER! and den you run away!

Pretty much everyone within earshot is laughing now.

Gavin: Do you play monster chase at your house?
Old guy: No.
Gavin (frowning and serious): Do you not have any fwiends to play with?
Old guy: Nope, just me and the wife and the cat.
Gavin: My cat is name Caillou. He will bite you if you don't stop teasing him.
Old guy: HAHAHA! Do you tease him a lot?
Gavin (totally ignoring this question): Mom says I can have my smarties after my lunch. Daddy is going to make me a peanut budder and jam sammich.
Old guy: Oh! Lucky you.
Gavin: What are you having for lunch?
Old guy: I don't know yet.
Gavin: YAWN! I'm tired!
Old guy: Maybe you should have a nap after your lunch.
Gavin: No....I don't wan have a nap. I wan watch Max and Ruby.
Old guy: Ahh...
Gavin (to the checkout lady): Dese are my smarties. Can I buy dem now?
Checkout lady: Sure (scans them) Here you go!
Gavin: Am I 'llowed to eat dem now?
Me: No. After lunch.
Gavin (frowning): But I eddy-weddy (translation: already) buyed dem!

I pay for the groceries and get ready to head out.

Gavin (to the old guy): See ya later!

Too bad he's so shy!

Oh, Barrack? Oh yeah, he and I go way back...

This is the follow up conversation I had with my mother about Summer's rash.

Me: So it's not radiation poisoning.
Mom: Oh?
Me: Yeah the doctor said severe eczema and possible milk allergy.
Mom: And which physician did you see?

NOTE: Even over the phone, you can kinda "see" my mom. You can tell by her tone what her body language is, and anyone who knows her knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about. During this particular conversation, she had on her "professor" tone, where she uses as many unneccessary big words as possible, over-enunciates everything, and you can tell she literally has her head tilted back slightly with her nose in the air. One of her 5 pairs of glasses are perched on the tip of her nose. She is sitting very straight on the edge of the couch, knees together. Yes, I can tell all of this from her tone. Zoe, you know I'm right!

Me: uhhhh...Dr. DeMarsh
Mom: Oh John!

NOTE #2: Mom LOVES to use first names. And she has unusual rules for "knowing" someone. Like, to me "knowing" someone means you know more than their name. To her, all that is required is a name. That's it. Basically she has to have heard of you. And this goes double for professionals like doctors or celebrities/ semi-celebrities. So I could say something like " So did you catch Obama on TV last night talking about Libya?" and she would be like "Oh Barrack?" As if "Oh heck! I just got off the phone with my good buddy Barrack. He was telling me all about that crazy Moammar...man what a nutcase. Just like in the old days when we all used to pal around." So anyway.....

Me: Uh, I guess....
Mom: Oh yeah! John knows you're my daughter you know.
Me: Er....well, he didn't say anything...
Mom: Oh he knows ALL about you girls (crazy eyes)

NOTE #3: Crazy eyes....my mom sometimes pauses for dramatic effect when she says something she thinks is significant or profound and during this pause she usually employs "crazy eyes" for added drama. It's a bit tough to describe...hell it's tough to DO! But it's kinda like a really intense stare where her eyes kind of get bigger for a second, then smaller, the bigger again. Often accompanied by a slightly manic grin or a knowing nod and a half whispered "Yahp", depending on the situation.

Me: Uh....ok then....
Mom: YAHP!!
Me: ........... ANYWAY.......So he prescribed some cream for the rash and said to put Summer on soy formula for a bit and then go back to regular formula and see what happens, and then we'll know if she's allergic to milk.
Mom: Yes. Yes. (like this is EXCACTLY what she herself would suggest and she concurs with the physician..LOL!)
Me: And he said to put sunflower oil on her before her bath to protect her skin from drying out
Mom: Oh yes. Yes, sunflower oil is wonderful. Very viscous. Very light fragrance. Full of nutrients. (Thank you Professor)
Me: Ummm.....sure. It's good stuff, I'm sure. So anyhow she's having her 9 month checkup next week anyway so we'll mention this all to her regular doctor and see what she has to say.
Mom (in full on professor mode): Oh yes (crazy eyes). I ALWAYS have the clinic forward my records to my primary healthcare provider. You know, Barb.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Exceptional!

The craziest thing said to me today

Man, today was an exceptional day for people saying wacky things. Apparently chickens have earlobes, in case you didn't know, AND the colour of the earlobes indicates what colour eggs they lay. Strange but true. As as funny as THAT whole conversation was, here is the hands-down craziest thing that was said to me all day (In case you can't tell, this is leading into a "Mom" story...)

Me: Yeah Summer still has that rash.
Mom: The same one from a couple of weeks ago?
Me: Yeah. But it's more red and raw now and it seems to be different than it was.
Mom: what do you mean?
Me: Well it almost looks like burns in some places. I'm going to have to take her back to the doctor.
Mom (in a very vague, faraway tone): Remember when Tiff had that rash?
Me: Er.....no....what rash?
Mom: When she was a baby
Me: Mom, she's 18 months younger than me. If she was a baby, I was a baby. Just a bigger one
Mom: ...........
Me: SIGH and eyeroll. No Mom. Of course I don't remember a rash Tiff had when we were BABIES.
Mom: Oh!........Well anyway she had this rash for like a year and we couldn't expose her to sunlight or anything.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yeah. It was a reaction to the barium. It's radioactive you know.

Now I will pause here to explain to you who don't know my mom that she thinks everyone was present for every moment of her life and that we all know exactly what she's talking about all the time.

Me: Barium?
Mom: Yeah. For the X-rays.
Me: What?

Coles notes version of this part: When Tiff was a baby she had to have an operation on a part of her stomach.

Me: Well Summer isn't taking barium Mom.
Mom: Well can you think of anything else radioactive she's been exposed to recently?
Me: Are you serious?
Mom: Well....
Me: Radioactive? No Mom. Not recently. Not since our visit to the uranium mine last month (this followed by a MEGA eye roll) Jesus Christ.
Mom (all whispy and faraway again): Well........just a thought.......

And there you have it. The craziest thing said to me all day. And there's a LOT more where that came from.

Radioactive....Good grief!!!!

Whence I get big I can use da tove?

Gavin is fascinated by the stove. Sometimes it's hot, sometimes it's not hot. You can put things on it, you can put things in it. And most important...the thing that makes it truly mystical....only a grownup can work with the stove.

Me: Gavin, what will you be when you grow up?
Gavin: Whence I get big I will be 'lowed to work wiv da tove!

NOT I want to be a fireman.
NOT I want to be a policeman.
NOT I want to drive a race car.
...or any of the things you might think Gavin Kelly might like to do for a living. No, he wants to work with the stove. Because that will mean he is a man.

This morning as I was getting the kids ready for the day, I put Gavin's clothes on the (cool) stovetop to free up my hands to put Summer in her highchair.

Gavin (frowning and very serious): Mom! You can't put my pants on da tove! Dey will burn!
This gives me an idea...
I grab a frying pan, toss Gavin's pants in and start stirring them around witha  big spoon.
Gavin looks on in amazement, not reall sure if I'm kidding or if I'm really cooking up his pants. I pretend to add salt. Gavin frowns hard. I pretend to add pepper. Gavin giggles nervously, again not sure if this is for real. I get out a plate, slide the pants onto the plate and hand the plate to Gavin. He just stands there for a couple fo beats and then tentatively puts his hands out to accept the plate.

Gavin (very very serious): Ummm.....
Me: Here ya go kiddo! Fried pants! You want maple syrop on that?
Gavin: Ummmmm......are dey hot?
Me: No, not hot. Just right. Here you go.
Gavin accepts the plate. He stares at it for a second, unsure.
Gavin: Do I eat dem?

I couldn't help it. I laughed. The mind of a three year old, eh? So when I laughed he got that I was kidding and he laughed too. A very "aww....ya got me!" kind of laugh.

Wonder what we'll make on da tove tomorrow.....

Enough with the poop talk

This morning Summer and I went to wake up Gavin. I opened the curtains signing "Good morning to youuuuu!!!" and then went over to his bed and put Summer on him and said "Git 'im! Git 'im Summer! Poop on his head!" and placed her with her bum on his head. Gavin rolled over with his eyes still closed and said in a sleepy voice "Tasha says enough with the poop talk. You only talk about poop when you need to poop".

Uh.....

Ok, well I guess he has a point. It's a good policy. I myself have complained about the amount we talk about poop, pee, farting (also known in our house as "tooting"), boogers, stinky bums, stinky feet and, well, general stinkiness. It's gross, right? Undignified. Not the kind of thing nice people talk about. But you know what? If I'm totally honest, most of it comes from me.

Starting when my kids were very very tiny...just home from the hospital...I would play "stinky foots". This is where I lay them on their backs with their feet in the air, grab a foot, take a big long sniff and declare loudly "PHEW!!!! What a stinky foot!".

Then there are the songs. There's the one about the marines and the beans (Inky stinky parlez-vous), and then there's the one about the little fly who flew into a store and he...well, did his "business" on the bacon, ham and the head of the little grocer man. TWICE. Come to think of it, I also change the words of songs to make them about my kids being stinky.

Why do I do this? I know it's not a good example for the kids. I do not want them going out into the world calling people poopy-heads or telling their friends they have stinky toe-jam. I'm well educated and I know a lot of words, and I'm also nearly 35 years old. I know better and I have other things I could joke about with the kids. So why do I do it? Shame on Mommy! SHAME!

So listen up, Me....ENOUGH already with the poop talk!



















......but it's really funny! POOP!

Super Carter!

By day, he is a mild mannered 3 year old. But all is not at is seems. This seemingly ordinary toddler has several super-hero alter egos, and he's on a mission to make the livingroom a safer place.

This kid is in costume more often than he is not. He alternates between Spiderman, Batman and Iron Man. and it's not just the costume...he is, like, ALWAYS in super-mode. Even when he's just standing in front of the TV he has a super hero stance, legs apart, arms slightly out to the side, fingers flexed, all muscles tensed as if ready for action. Hilarious. Seriously, seriously hilarious. Because it really is, like ALL THE TIME!

I have attached a link to a little video my brother in law out together to demonstrate just how into it he is. As I said, this is constant. Have a great laugh!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I259VfahNTE

Mom Guilt

Any mother knows what I'm talking about here. Mom guilt. There is absolutely nothing like it. It is the absolute worst feeling in the whole wide world, and what makes it even worse is it's irrational. I'm having a MAJOR mom-guilt attack at the moment and I feel like I want to die (ok, maybe not DIE, but maybe a deep deep sleep).

You see, I have decided to cut my maternity leave short and return to my job 3 months early. This was MY decision. It was not made out of necessity, like a need for money...I made the decision because.... (deep breath!) .....because I really missed work and I want to go back THERE I SAID IT! I'm the worst mother in the whole world! But you know what? It's true. I like my job, I love my coworkers, and I miss putting on makeup and high heels and talking to grownups.

But this decision came with a price. A BIG one! MOM GUILT! But I don't feel guilty about what you THINK I feel guilty about....

When I tell people I'm feeling guilty they say "There, there. Summer will adjust quickly to daycare. Look how much fun Gavin has there."

That's not it.

They say "Oh I know you'll miss being home with Summer and all your special time together".

Nope. That's not it either.

The fact is (confession time!) that I'm really looking forward to going back to work. I know Summer will do just fine at daycare. I'm not going to miss wearing yoga pants and watching re-runs of Rich Bride Poor Bride. What I feel guilty about is that I DON'T feel bad about that stuff! I mean, what kind of mother am I? What sort of MONSTER doesn't worry about her baby adjusting to daycare? What kind of BEAST wouldn't be sad about not having speacial alone time with her baby? ME. Right here. And so I feel guilty about NOT feeling more guilty about the whole thing.

Yes, mom-guilt is really a very special kind of guilt. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. You can't get away from it. Even when you don't feel guilty you feel guilty. It's not fair! I mean, is this about Eve getting Adam to eat that apple because frankly I don't think we should be punished because Adam can't make his own dietary choices.

Anyway, I know that everything will be fine. I know that I'm a good mother and that my kids love me and me going back 3 months early isn't going to scar anyone for life. I also know that if I can just get through today (my last day at home with the kids before they are both in full time daycare)...if I can just not die from the guilt for the next 24 hours, I will be ok. That's what makes it so friggin' maddening. The irrationality of it all! AGH!

Moms out there...you know what I'm talking about. Everyone else, let me tell you this: every woman you know who has kids is feeling some irrational guilt about SOMETHING right now. Just remember that.

Catching the moon

When I woke Gavin up this morning and opened his curtains, he immediately noticed that the moon was still out. He jumped out of bed...

Gavin: Look Mom! The MOON!!!! It's out in the DAYTIME!
Me: Yeah, I see it. That happens sometimes that the sun comes up but the moon isn't ready to go to bed yet.
Gavin: Oooooohhhhh!!!!
Me: Ok buddy, let's get your PJs off and underwear on
Gavin: No Mom I need to look at the moon. It's going to go away soon
Me: No it'll still be there after
Gavin: Will I be able to see the moon when I go in the car?
Me: You sure will!
Gavin: Maybe I will roll down my window and the moon will come in the car and I can catch it!
Me (laughing): Awww honey. I know the moon looks small but it's very very big. It can't fit in the car and you can't lift it
Gavin: It's big?
Me: Yeah, like really REALLY big
Gavin (frowning): No it's not Mom. Look. It's only just dis big (holds out a cupped hand)
Me: Oh I know it LOOKS little babe but that's because it's so far away
Gavin: It's not far away...it's right over dere!

Touche.

Me: Well the moon is stuck up in the sky Gavin. That's where it lives.
Gavin: But I want it to come down so I can catch it. Oh, I wish it should come down here.
Me: What would you do with the moon if you caught it?
Gavin: I would show it to Summer. Yeah. She would fink dat's pretty cool

MELT! In a few years when he and Summer are gouging each other's eyes out over some toy I'm going to remind him that not so long ago he wanted to catch the moon for her.

Zoe Week: Hey Ella, do you know anything about lawnmowers?

Phone rings. It's Zoe.

Me: Hey
Zoe: Hey...ummm...sooooo...do you know anything about lawnmowers?
Me: Like what?
Zoe: well we just got a new one today and I was out cutting the lawn and it just stopped working and I can't get it going again.
Me: Is it used?
Zoe: No, brand new. Just got it today.
Me: Hmmm....is it gas or electric?
Zoe: Gas
Me: And you're not out of gas or anything simple like that?
Zoe: No, no...I only got like a quarter of the yard done.
Me: Hmmmm...did you run over anything, like a branch or a rock?
Zoe: No
Me: Is your grass really really long? If mine clogs up it'll stop and you have to clear out the grass
Zoe: No, it's not that
Me: Hmmmm...
Zoe: Hmmmmm....
Me: You're not low on oil are you?
Zoe: I already told you, there's gas in it.
Me: I don't mean gas I mean OIL. Didn't you put oil in it?
Zoe: No....I just out gas in it
Me: You didn't put ANY oil in it at all?
Zoe: No. Is that bad?
Me: Uh YEAH, it's bad! About as bad as it gets!
Zoe: Well for God's sake Ella, how the HELL am I supposed to know it needs oil? SHEESH!
Me: Are you looking at the lawnmower?
Zoe: Yes..
Me: See that little cap on it...not the gas cap, the other one?
Zoe: Yes...
Me: What does it say on it?
PAUSE
Zoe: Sigh. It says "oil". Stupid lawnmower!
Me: Yeah, Zoe. The LAWNMOWER is stupid.

Zoe Week: Skrool Jockeys

Ok, so I think Zoe mumbles and she thinks I mumble. Especially on the phone. There have been many times when one of us says something and the other hears something completely different and it's usually funny. But "skrool jockeys" was the funniest ever!

So it's 2001 and Zoe has just started at Jon Raymond in Moncton. I make the standard big sister call to see how she's doing:

Me: So did your student loan come in and everything?
Zoe: Oh yeah. I went right to the bank and got that squared away and then I went out and bought a bunch of skrool jockeys.
(At least, it SOUNDED like she said skrool jockeys)
Me: Ummmm....did you say "skrool jockeys"?
Zoe: Yeah. Skrool jockeys.
Me: What are skrool jockeys (now keep in mind I am ACTUALLY saying "skrool jockeys"!)
Zoe: Ella. Skroolo jockeys, man. You don't know what skrool jockeys are? You never went and got skrool jockeys?
Me: No, I do not believe I have ever purchased and skrool jockeys.
Zoe: What? That's ridiculous!
Me: Wait a second. I can't have heard you right. You said skrool jockeys, yes?
Zoe: YES, Ella. Skrool jockeys.
Me: Say it slow
Zoe: Sk-rool juh-ock-eeeeesss
Me: Skrool jockeys
Zoe (getting really annoyed): SKROOL JOCKEYS ELLA! SKROOL! JOCKEYS!
Me: But Zoe, what in the HELL are skrool jockeys?
Zoe: SIGH. Jesus Christ Ella! What would YOU call things like pens and pencils and notebooks?
Me: School supplies? SCHOOL SUPPLIES? That's what you've been saying all this time?
Zoe: YES! What is going ON here?
Me: It sounded like you said "skrool jockeys"
Zoe: I did!
Me: No, no. It sounds like you're saying s-k-r-o-o-l  j-o-c-k-e-y-s.
Zoe: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: But I've been saying that back to you and you've been saying that's what you said! So I actually said "skrool jockeys" and you heard "school supplies"?
Zoe: Well, you know you mumble on the phone, Ella.

Zoe Week: Why spiders are scary

Zoe: Holy shit Ella! I just had a near death experience! Like, I seriously almost just died!
Me (thinking the worst, like maybe a car accident): Oh my God! What happened?
Zoe: There was a spider (deep shuddery breath) ON MY FACE!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Is that it?
Zoe: IS THAT IT? Ella, I almost DIED!
Me: Oh yeah? Of what exactly?
Zoe: Of a spider on my face, weren't you listening?
Me (laughing): Ok then. Hey, why are you even scared of spiders anyway?
Zoe: What do you mean? They're terrifying?
Me: What's terrifying about them though?
Zoe: EVERYTHING!
Me: But Zoe, they don't hurt you or anything. They're not poisonous.
Zoe: But they're disgusting! DIS-GUS-TING!!!
Me: Ok yeah I can see how some people might think they're gross but they're not scary.
Zoe: But disgusting IS scary!
Me: No its' not. It's just disgusting.
Zoe: Scary
Me: No. I mean disgusting isn't harmful or anything though
Zoe: Yes it is
Me: Ok, I get it that they're gross an icky. But other than that what exactly are you scared the spider is going to DO?
Zoe (completely exasperated): SIGH...BE DISGUSTING!!!

At this point I just break into laughter

Me: Seriously? That's it?
Zoe: Terrifying, Ella. Terrifying.

Classic Zoe.

Zoe Week: The definition of "guts"

This is a recurring debate between Zoe and I and it's been going on for years. Rather than recount any one conversation, I have summarized into a typical exchange. It goes something like this:

Me: Hey Zoe, I saw one of those girls today who is so skinny you wonder how it's even possible. You know what I mean? Like SO SKINNY you're like, how can there be lungs in there? And a liver? And intestines and stuff? Like, how is it possible that she and I have the same amount of guts.
Zoe: They're not guts, Ella.
Me: Huh? What do you mean?
Zoe: All that stuff in there...it's not called "guts"
Me: What? Of course those are guts!
Zoe: No they're not because they're your intestines and liver and gall bladder and stuff. Not guts
Me: What? Of course those are guts! That's what guts ARE
Zoe: No, because they're inside
Me: What? Of course they're inside. Where else would they be
Zoe: Well they only become guts if they're outside of you
Me: What? No, they're guts inside too
Zoe: No, no, no. If they're INSDIE you they're your organs. If they're OUTSIDE they're guts. And really, they're only guts if they're, like, all mixed up
Me: What are you talking about?
Zoe: You know. Like if you were in an accident and your insides are on the outside and they're all squished up...NOW it's guts.
Me: No, Zoe. I don't think so. I mean, yes, they would be guts in that situation, but they're ALSO guts when they're intact and/or inside.
Zoe: No.
Me: Yes.
Zoe: Ella. No.
Me: YES Zoe. They absolutely ARE! Guts is, like, a collective term for all that stuff in there
Zoe: Yes, if that stuff is outside of you and mixed up.
Me: NO
Zoe: YES! Look, Ella. when everything is inside and not mushed up, you can tell what's what. That's intestines, that's kidneys, that's bladder....but if it's OUTSIDE and smooshed together you can't tell so it's just GUTS!

Pause

Me: SIGH. So A-N-Y-W-A-Y....this girl was so skinny I couldn't even believe it.

Zoe Week!!!!!

In honour of my sister Zoe's birthday (coming up on Saturday), I am having "Zoe Week" on Really!?!Whatever... Zoe routinely says things that make me breathless with laughter so I will be recounting such Zoe classics as : Skrool Jockeys, the definition of "guts", hey Ella, do you know anything about lawnmowers? and more.

Stay tuned.......

RAT WATCH 2011 !!!

This is a story about my mom. Refer back to my first post to get a little character sketch. But briefly, picture Tommy Chong but female. Same hair and everything.

I'm on the phone with Mom yesterday.
Mom: There he is again! Oh that little bugger!
Me: What? Who?
Mom: That rat! The one under the shed! We have another trap set but he never goes in there.
Me: Jesus Mom. This has been going on for months. Just poison it already.
Mom: Yeah but I don't want to inadvertently kill any squirrels or birds or anything.
Me: Mom, it's RAT poison. I'm pretty sure it only attracts rats.
Mom: You could look it up on your internet

Let's pause for a moment here. She suggested I look it up on MY internet. I now own the internet.

So, this rat thing has been going on for months. There's a rat living under the wood shed at my mom's and they have been unable to apprehend it. I say a rat, but in reality we all know there is no such thing as just one rat. Either they keep seeing the same rat or they are only seeing one at a time. Mom is constantly vigilant for a rat sighting, even using her binoculars to watch for it.

There have been multiple attempts to get this rat and remove it from the premises. Here are my two favorites:

The shovel:
Richard, Mom's partner, standing outside by the hole in the shed, snow shovel raised and ready to strike. Like a crane he waits, still and silent. Patient. Zen-like. For TWENTY MINUTES. Mom is watching all this from inside with her binoculars. (The shed isn't more than a few yards from the house, in plain view, but I guess binoculars really enhance the experience of looking at things that are not really very far away. SHRUG. It's a very mom thing to do).

Suddenly the rat appears from it's hidey-hole and leaps past Richard. Richard strikes and misses, slips on the ice and for a moment, Richard's feet, the rat and the shovel are entangled. Richard lands in the snowbank, the rat escapes.

The Wile-E Coyote:
This one reminds me of Wile-E Coyote trying to catch the Roadrunner. Remember the classic cartoon trap where you set up a box propped up on a stick with string tied to the stick and bait under the box? And then when your target goes for the bait you yank the string? Well apparently my mother thinks this can work in real life. Earth to Mom!!! It doesn't even work in cartoons!

So again, there's Richard, holding on to the end of about 20 feet of string, tied to a stick which is holding up a box with bait under it. He's hiding around the side of the deck. Still. Silent. Patient. Mom is again watching this through her binoculars from inside.

I interrupt Mom telling me about this with my laughter. I am busting a gut!
Mom: What?
Me: Did the box say "ACME" on it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mom (not getting it): Er...no.
Me: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mom: Well anyway, the rat never showed up and it was cold out...
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA! snort! STOP! MOM! YOU'RE KILLING ME!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mom: Well I guess it is a little comical...
Me: GASP! STOP IT! I CAN'T BREATHE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Back to yesterday's conversation:
Me: Mom, you know rats are highly intelligent. I'm pretty sure the rat is laughing at you guys right now and plotting ways to rid YOU from ITS property! Because clearly the rat is in charge here.
Mom: No, no. We'll get him.

Riiiiiiight.....

And so, RAT WATCH 2011 continues...

Socks and high heels dance party!

So I went shopping yesterday for back to work stuff and the pride and joy of this excursion is a pair of nude heels. HOT! They are about a half size too small but the size up is way too big. So, they need to be stretched out. For those of you who are not in the know about such things, the best way to do this is to put leather cleaner on them to soften the leather and then wear the shoes around with thick socks for a while.

So I get two pairs of Mark's thick sweat socks (black) and I stuff my feet in there. OUCH!

Gavin: Ohhhh! You look so fancy Mom!

I figure a good way to really work them in is to dance in them. Plus this will keep Gavin entertained. So I put on the tunes, full blast and start busin' a move around the livingroom.

Now, just so you have a full mental image, let me describe my look in greater detail:
I haven't done my haor and it's a big floppy mop because of the humidity. No makeup (ew!). Old white tank top with holes in it. Pink zip up sweatshirt. Capri yoga pants. TWO PAIRS of men's black gym socks, and nude leather 4 inch heels. And I am GIVIN' 'ER on the dancefloor AKA my livingroom carpet.

DING DONG!

Oh shit. The door. OH MY GOD WHATDOIDOWHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO!!!!!!!! Ok, it's too late. Whoever is at the door had to walk right past the livingroom window. There is no way they didn't see me. No way out. I answer the door. As is.

Guy at the door (looking me straight in the face): Good morning Ma'am. (Hands me a card) My name is Kevin and I'm with Electrolux blah blah blah...
Me: Mmm hmm... Yes we have a central vac, no it's not an electrolux, yes I'm happy with it, no I'm not concerned about suction...
Kevin: Ok well you have me card blah blah blah. Have a nice day Ma'am.

I close the door. HOW did he not laugh? HOW? He can't NOT have noticed. I bet he can't WAIT to get back to the office to tell all his work buddies about this.

Play Date

Gavin had a play date with Jay yesterday.

Tasha and Jay arrive.
Gavin: Come and see my room! (Gavin says this to every single person who comes in the door). I have new cars! (he doesn't)

Tasha: So when should I pick him up?
Me: Oh, a couple of hours at least. Let them have a good play..
Tasha: Ok, see you in a while!

The two of them take off screaming into Gavin's room and immediately there is a loud BANG! I go in and I see Gavin holding a toy bus over his head getting ready to throw it at Jay. Jay is grinning as if to say "bring it on!" Gavin looks at me guiltily.
Me: Ok guys, we're not going to throw toys.
Gavin slowly lowers the bus.

I leave the room again.
BANG! CRASH!
I go back in. Every single toy is on the the floor, toy bins are all over the place and the two of them are attempting to play with each and every toy in rapid succession. I check my watch. The play date is officially 3 whole seconds old.

Mark: Hey, let's set up the tent!
He sets up the tent in the middle of the mess.
The boys play in it for another 3 seconds or so.

Gavin: Mom, can we have a snack?
I hook them up with fruit bars and cheesies and plonk them on the couch to watch a movie.
Snacks are gone in under a minute, I swear to God. It's like these kids are on speed!

We are now like, 5 minutes in.

I'll spare you the minute by minute but basically, they go back into Gavin's room, and Gavin gets 3 time outs for throwing buses etc. at Jayden. Yogurt gets eaten, there is discussion about cake being a good supper option, they watch a movie (well, I use the term"watch" loosely).

Overall, a great play date. These two are so, so funny together.

Best conversation of the day:
Gavin: Jay what do you like to eat for supper?
Jay: Cake!
Gavin: Hmmm...we don't have anyfing to make a cake.
Jay (disappointed): oh...
Gavin: But sometimes Jeff and Kelly bring cake!
Jay (hopeful): oh!
Me: Guys, there's not going to be any cake
Gavin: We have yogurt!
Jay: Ohhhh!!!!
Yogurts all around...

Why are you not saying "Wow!"?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I am still laughing at this...this just happened like 3 seconds ago!

Gavin: I need to poop
Me: Ok go poop and call me when you need me to wipe your bum
Gavin goes into the bathroom and gets himself settled.  Me and Mark are still in the kitchen, chatting.
Gavin (yelling): MOM! Come and watch me!
Me (yelling back): No I'm talking to daddy, just call me when you need me to wipe your bum!
A few seconds go by...
Gavin: DAD!
Mark: What!
Gavin: After I'm done pooping can I have a treat?
Mark: No!
Gavin: Why!?
Mark: You already had a treat!
(keep in mind this is all yelling)
Gavin: But I'm still hungry!
Mark: But I said no!
A few more seconds go by...
Gavin: MOM!
Me: What!
Gavin: Can I have a treat?
Me: No!
Gavin: ERRRRRGGGHH!!!
A few more seconds....
Gavin: MOM! I'm all done!

I go into the bathroom to help Gavin out. He's bent over and I'm wiping his bum...
Gavin: Mom can you see my poop in da toiwet?
Me: Yeah
Gavin: Why are you not saying "wow"?

Awesome!

Hitty! Hitty! Hitty!

I don't get it. Our cat, Caillou, is this big, lazy, grumpy old curmudgeon who never does anything more exciting than roll over. But every time Summer sees him she goes ape-shit! She jumps and kicks and squeals in delight! Over NOTHING! Recently she started reaching for him saying "Hitty! Hitty! Hitty!" in this sort of excited, awestruck whisper. I do not get it. He just lays there. He doesn't scamper about, he doesn't chase balls of yarn, he's like, 13 years old...he might as well be one of the couch cushions.

At approximately 2:30pm each day, the cat decides it is supper time and he rises from his spot on the back of the couch to demand that I feed him. This is like the most exciting event in Summer's day becuase the cat is actually moving around and lets out the occasional disgruntled "meow". This sends her into spasms of sbsolute ecstasy. In fact, I try to make a point of putting her in the exersaucer at this time of day so she can watch the cat walk around being grumpy and jump around like a crazy person.

It is currently 2:25pm and this exact scenario has been going on for about 10 minutes. The cat is sitting at my feet as I type, meowing angrily at me, and Summer is screaming and jumping and reachng for him. HILARIOUS! She does not react this way to any of her cool toys that talk, sing, buzz, jump, pop, light up, or all of the above. ONLY the cat does this to her. I do not get it.

Gavin has women all figured out

Thank you Tasha for this little story:

Jay runs out of the toy room : No no no!
Gavin is chasing him: I just want a kiss!
Tasha: Gavin, what's the matter?
Gavin (tears in his eyes): I just want a kiss. I love to kiss my mommy and I just want to kiss him.
Tasha: You can give me a kiss
He does
Gavin: Thank you Tasha. That makes me feel better

MELT!

Gavin has been all about the kisses lately. His current favorite song is XOXOXO by the Black Eyed Peas. And he has learned the power of the kiss and the effect it has on the ladies...especially Mommy. Every time he gets a talking to, it goes something like this:

Gavin is licking the dining table (just for example...he actually does this quite a lot and it drives me mental)
Mommy (sternly): Cut that out!
Gavin licks the table again
Mommy: Gavin! I said stop licking the mmfffflllll

That "mmffffllll" at the end is where Gavin grabs my face with both hands and kisses me full on the mouth while I'm in the middle of yelling at him. He releases me, grinning. Damn it! NOW how am I supposed to be mad?

He pulls this little stunt all the time...when it's the end of a time out and I'm telling him why he had a time out and demanding an apology, when I catch him doing something he shouldn't and I'm about to open my mouth to scold him. I should mention that he NEVER pulls this with his father. Little frigger has it all figured out. I can see it now...flash forward 15 years....

Susie: Gavin Kelly! I heard you were out with Jenny last night! You were supposed to take ME to the movies but you said you were sick you little mmmffffflllllll!!!!!!! Oh! My! Er.....what was I saying?

He's three years old! The ladies are not going to have a chance.

hmm...I think I'll start a blog...

So...I decided to start a blog. It was a total spur of the moment decision...well no, that's not exactly true. I've been putting up little quotes from my son on facebook for ages and people really seem to love it, but there's just so much more funny stuff in my life and a facebook status update just doesn't work for all of it. So I've been looking for another way to have some fun with my family online and I figured I'd try a blog. So today I just did it. I warn you...I have NO idea what I'm doing so bear with me!

Ever since my sisters and I were little kids, our main form of humour has been re-enactments of hilarious things other people say and do. This is essentially what I've done on facebook...repeat conversations between myself and my son...and it seems to work. So that's what I plan to do here for the most part. Just repeat things that people in my life say and do that strikes me funny. These little tid bits are infinitely funnier if you know the people involved, and I'm sure many of you do, but for the benefit of those who don't, let me introduce to you the main characters in my life:

Me: I'm a working mom (well, on mat leave right now but soon to return to work), married to Mark who is the love of my life. I'm 34 years old, the oldest of 5 girls.

Mark: My darling husband...he's a self confessed computer nerd, and everyone who knows him knows that he is super funny!

Gavin: My 3 year old son. He's a little turkey...an adorable kid, full of fun and humour. He is the source of most of the funny moments in this house. His 2 best buddies are Jay and Carter (his cousin).

Summer: My 8 month old daughter. She can't talk yet but she's funny in her own way.

Zoe: My sister and mother to Carter and Farrah (who will also be featured from time to time). Zoe's hilarious...similar sense of humour to me.

Tiffany: Another sister. She's a teacher and while funny, she can also be quite dry (which is, in itself, quite funny at times)

Mom: My mother...I don't even know where to begin with her. EVERY SINGLE THING she says is funny. She is an old hippie who always comes across as if she's stoned off her ass, even when she's not. She says very random, strange things. I could make fun of her all day long. I warned her that I was going to do this and she is very anxious about it. She's very suspicious of the internet in general (when you read that last sentence, pronounce it like "in -ter- net", like you're just learning thsi starnge new word and that's how she says it...LOL!)

Tasha: Gavin and Summer's daycare provider. Gavin sometimes says things to her and about her that bear repeating.

Anyhow, I'm just going to write about stuff I think is funny and I hope you all think it's funny too....