By day, he is a mild mannered 3 year old. But all is not at is seems. This seemingly ordinary toddler has several super-hero alter egos, and he's on a mission to make the livingroom a safer place.
This kid is in costume more often than he is not. He alternates between Spiderman, Batman and Iron Man. and it's not just the costume...he is, like, ALWAYS in super-mode. Even when he's just standing in front of the TV he has a super hero stance, legs apart, arms slightly out to the side, fingers flexed, all muscles tensed as if ready for action. Hilarious. Seriously, seriously hilarious. Because it really is, like ALL THE TIME!
I have attached a link to a little video my brother in law out together to demonstrate just how into it he is. As I said, this is constant. Have a great laugh!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I259VfahNTE
Sunday 27 March 2011
Friday 25 March 2011
Mom Guilt
Any mother knows what I'm talking about here. Mom guilt. There is absolutely nothing like it. It is the absolute worst feeling in the whole wide world, and what makes it even worse is it's irrational. I'm having a MAJOR mom-guilt attack at the moment and I feel like I want to die (ok, maybe not DIE, but maybe a deep deep sleep).
You see, I have decided to cut my maternity leave short and return to my job 3 months early. This was MY decision. It was not made out of necessity, like a need for money...I made the decision because.... (deep breath!) .....because I really missed work and I want to go back THERE I SAID IT! I'm the worst mother in the whole world! But you know what? It's true. I like my job, I love my coworkers, and I miss putting on makeup and high heels and talking to grownups.
But this decision came with a price. A BIG one! MOM GUILT! But I don't feel guilty about what you THINK I feel guilty about....
When I tell people I'm feeling guilty they say "There, there. Summer will adjust quickly to daycare. Look how much fun Gavin has there."
That's not it.
They say "Oh I know you'll miss being home with Summer and all your special time together".
Nope. That's not it either.
The fact is (confession time!) that I'm really looking forward to going back to work. I know Summer will do just fine at daycare. I'm not going to miss wearing yoga pants and watching re-runs of Rich Bride Poor Bride. What I feel guilty about is that I DON'T feel bad about that stuff! I mean, what kind of mother am I? What sort of MONSTER doesn't worry about her baby adjusting to daycare? What kind of BEAST wouldn't be sad about not having speacial alone time with her baby? ME. Right here. And so I feel guilty about NOT feeling more guilty about the whole thing.
Yes, mom-guilt is really a very special kind of guilt. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. You can't get away from it. Even when you don't feel guilty you feel guilty. It's not fair! I mean, is this about Eve getting Adam to eat that apple because frankly I don't think we should be punished because Adam can't make his own dietary choices.
Anyway, I know that everything will be fine. I know that I'm a good mother and that my kids love me and me going back 3 months early isn't going to scar anyone for life. I also know that if I can just get through today (my last day at home with the kids before they are both in full time daycare)...if I can just not die from the guilt for the next 24 hours, I will be ok. That's what makes it so friggin' maddening. The irrationality of it all! AGH!
Moms out there...you know what I'm talking about. Everyone else, let me tell you this: every woman you know who has kids is feeling some irrational guilt about SOMETHING right now. Just remember that.
You see, I have decided to cut my maternity leave short and return to my job 3 months early. This was MY decision. It was not made out of necessity, like a need for money...I made the decision because.... (deep breath!) .....because I really missed work and I want to go back THERE I SAID IT! I'm the worst mother in the whole world! But you know what? It's true. I like my job, I love my coworkers, and I miss putting on makeup and high heels and talking to grownups.
But this decision came with a price. A BIG one! MOM GUILT! But I don't feel guilty about what you THINK I feel guilty about....
When I tell people I'm feeling guilty they say "There, there. Summer will adjust quickly to daycare. Look how much fun Gavin has there."
That's not it.
They say "Oh I know you'll miss being home with Summer and all your special time together".
Nope. That's not it either.
The fact is (confession time!) that I'm really looking forward to going back to work. I know Summer will do just fine at daycare. I'm not going to miss wearing yoga pants and watching re-runs of Rich Bride Poor Bride. What I feel guilty about is that I DON'T feel bad about that stuff! I mean, what kind of mother am I? What sort of MONSTER doesn't worry about her baby adjusting to daycare? What kind of BEAST wouldn't be sad about not having speacial alone time with her baby? ME. Right here. And so I feel guilty about NOT feeling more guilty about the whole thing.
Yes, mom-guilt is really a very special kind of guilt. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. You can't get away from it. Even when you don't feel guilty you feel guilty. It's not fair! I mean, is this about Eve getting Adam to eat that apple because frankly I don't think we should be punished because Adam can't make his own dietary choices.
Anyway, I know that everything will be fine. I know that I'm a good mother and that my kids love me and me going back 3 months early isn't going to scar anyone for life. I also know that if I can just get through today (my last day at home with the kids before they are both in full time daycare)...if I can just not die from the guilt for the next 24 hours, I will be ok. That's what makes it so friggin' maddening. The irrationality of it all! AGH!
Moms out there...you know what I'm talking about. Everyone else, let me tell you this: every woman you know who has kids is feeling some irrational guilt about SOMETHING right now. Just remember that.
Wednesday 23 March 2011
Catching the moon
When I woke Gavin up this morning and opened his curtains, he immediately noticed that the moon was still out. He jumped out of bed...
Gavin: Look Mom! The MOON!!!! It's out in the DAYTIME!
Me: Yeah, I see it. That happens sometimes that the sun comes up but the moon isn't ready to go to bed yet.
Gavin: Oooooohhhhh!!!!
Me: Ok buddy, let's get your PJs off and underwear on
Gavin: No Mom I need to look at the moon. It's going to go away soon
Me: No it'll still be there after
Gavin: Will I be able to see the moon when I go in the car?
Me: You sure will!
Gavin: Maybe I will roll down my window and the moon will come in the car and I can catch it!
Me (laughing): Awww honey. I know the moon looks small but it's very very big. It can't fit in the car and you can't lift it
Gavin: It's big?
Me: Yeah, like really REALLY big
Gavin (frowning): No it's not Mom. Look. It's only just dis big (holds out a cupped hand)
Me: Oh I know it LOOKS little babe but that's because it's so far away
Gavin: It's not far away...it's right over dere!
Touche.
Me: Well the moon is stuck up in the sky Gavin. That's where it lives.
Gavin: But I want it to come down so I can catch it. Oh, I wish it should come down here.
Me: What would you do with the moon if you caught it?
Gavin: I would show it to Summer. Yeah. She would fink dat's pretty cool
MELT! In a few years when he and Summer are gouging each other's eyes out over some toy I'm going to remind him that not so long ago he wanted to catch the moon for her.
Gavin: Look Mom! The MOON!!!! It's out in the DAYTIME!
Me: Yeah, I see it. That happens sometimes that the sun comes up but the moon isn't ready to go to bed yet.
Gavin: Oooooohhhhh!!!!
Me: Ok buddy, let's get your PJs off and underwear on
Gavin: No Mom I need to look at the moon. It's going to go away soon
Me: No it'll still be there after
Gavin: Will I be able to see the moon when I go in the car?
Me: You sure will!
Gavin: Maybe I will roll down my window and the moon will come in the car and I can catch it!
Me (laughing): Awww honey. I know the moon looks small but it's very very big. It can't fit in the car and you can't lift it
Gavin: It's big?
Me: Yeah, like really REALLY big
Gavin (frowning): No it's not Mom. Look. It's only just dis big (holds out a cupped hand)
Me: Oh I know it LOOKS little babe but that's because it's so far away
Gavin: It's not far away...it's right over dere!
Touche.
Me: Well the moon is stuck up in the sky Gavin. That's where it lives.
Gavin: But I want it to come down so I can catch it. Oh, I wish it should come down here.
Me: What would you do with the moon if you caught it?
Gavin: I would show it to Summer. Yeah. She would fink dat's pretty cool
MELT! In a few years when he and Summer are gouging each other's eyes out over some toy I'm going to remind him that not so long ago he wanted to catch the moon for her.
Friday 18 March 2011
Zoe Week: Hey Ella, do you know anything about lawnmowers?
Phone rings. It's Zoe.
Me: Hey
Zoe: Hey...ummm...sooooo...do you know anything about lawnmowers?
Me: Like what?
Zoe: well we just got a new one today and I was out cutting the lawn and it just stopped working and I can't get it going again.
Me: Is it used?
Zoe: No, brand new. Just got it today.
Me: Hmmm....is it gas or electric?
Zoe: Gas
Me: And you're not out of gas or anything simple like that?
Zoe: No, no...I only got like a quarter of the yard done.
Me: Hmmmm...did you run over anything, like a branch or a rock?
Zoe: No
Me: Is your grass really really long? If mine clogs up it'll stop and you have to clear out the grass
Zoe: No, it's not that
Me: Hmmmm...
Zoe: Hmmmmm....
Me: You're not low on oil are you?
Zoe: I already told you, there's gas in it.
Me: I don't mean gas I mean OIL. Didn't you put oil in it?
Zoe: No....I just out gas in it
Me: You didn't put ANY oil in it at all?
Zoe: No. Is that bad?
Me: Uh YEAH, it's bad! About as bad as it gets!
Zoe: Well for God's sake Ella, how the HELL am I supposed to know it needs oil? SHEESH!
Me: Are you looking at the lawnmower?
Zoe: Yes..
Me: See that little cap on it...not the gas cap, the other one?
Zoe: Yes...
Me: What does it say on it?
PAUSE
Zoe: Sigh. It says "oil". Stupid lawnmower!
Me: Yeah, Zoe. The LAWNMOWER is stupid.
Me: Hey
Zoe: Hey...ummm...sooooo...do you know anything about lawnmowers?
Me: Like what?
Zoe: well we just got a new one today and I was out cutting the lawn and it just stopped working and I can't get it going again.
Me: Is it used?
Zoe: No, brand new. Just got it today.
Me: Hmmm....is it gas or electric?
Zoe: Gas
Me: And you're not out of gas or anything simple like that?
Zoe: No, no...I only got like a quarter of the yard done.
Me: Hmmmm...did you run over anything, like a branch or a rock?
Zoe: No
Me: Is your grass really really long? If mine clogs up it'll stop and you have to clear out the grass
Zoe: No, it's not that
Me: Hmmmm...
Zoe: Hmmmmm....
Me: You're not low on oil are you?
Zoe: I already told you, there's gas in it.
Me: I don't mean gas I mean OIL. Didn't you put oil in it?
Zoe: No....I just out gas in it
Me: You didn't put ANY oil in it at all?
Zoe: No. Is that bad?
Me: Uh YEAH, it's bad! About as bad as it gets!
Zoe: Well for God's sake Ella, how the HELL am I supposed to know it needs oil? SHEESH!
Me: Are you looking at the lawnmower?
Zoe: Yes..
Me: See that little cap on it...not the gas cap, the other one?
Zoe: Yes...
Me: What does it say on it?
PAUSE
Zoe: Sigh. It says "oil". Stupid lawnmower!
Me: Yeah, Zoe. The LAWNMOWER is stupid.
Zoe Week: Skrool Jockeys
Ok, so I think Zoe mumbles and she thinks I mumble. Especially on the phone. There have been many times when one of us says something and the other hears something completely different and it's usually funny. But "skrool jockeys" was the funniest ever!
So it's 2001 and Zoe has just started at Jon Raymond in Moncton. I make the standard big sister call to see how she's doing:
Me: So did your student loan come in and everything?
Zoe: Oh yeah. I went right to the bank and got that squared away and then I went out and bought a bunch of skrool jockeys.
(At least, it SOUNDED like she said skrool jockeys)
Me: Ummmm....did you say "skrool jockeys"?
Zoe: Yeah. Skrool jockeys.
Me: What are skrool jockeys (now keep in mind I am ACTUALLY saying "skrool jockeys"!)
Zoe: Ella. Skroolo jockeys, man. You don't know what skrool jockeys are? You never went and got skrool jockeys?
Me: No, I do not believe I have ever purchased and skrool jockeys.
Zoe: What? That's ridiculous!
Me: Wait a second. I can't have heard you right. You said skrool jockeys, yes?
Zoe: YES, Ella. Skrool jockeys.
Me: Say it slow
Zoe: Sk-rool juh-ock-eeeeesss
Me: Skrool jockeys
Zoe (getting really annoyed): SKROOL JOCKEYS ELLA! SKROOL! JOCKEYS!
Me: But Zoe, what in the HELL are skrool jockeys?
Zoe: SIGH. Jesus Christ Ella! What would YOU call things like pens and pencils and notebooks?
Me: School supplies? SCHOOL SUPPLIES? That's what you've been saying all this time?
Zoe: YES! What is going ON here?
Me: It sounded like you said "skrool jockeys"
Zoe: I did!
Me: No, no. It sounds like you're saying s-k-r-o-o-l j-o-c-k-e-y-s.
Zoe: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: But I've been saying that back to you and you've been saying that's what you said! So I actually said "skrool jockeys" and you heard "school supplies"?
Zoe: Well, you know you mumble on the phone, Ella.
So it's 2001 and Zoe has just started at Jon Raymond in Moncton. I make the standard big sister call to see how she's doing:
Me: So did your student loan come in and everything?
Zoe: Oh yeah. I went right to the bank and got that squared away and then I went out and bought a bunch of skrool jockeys.
(At least, it SOUNDED like she said skrool jockeys)
Me: Ummmm....did you say "skrool jockeys"?
Zoe: Yeah. Skrool jockeys.
Me: What are skrool jockeys (now keep in mind I am ACTUALLY saying "skrool jockeys"!)
Zoe: Ella. Skroolo jockeys, man. You don't know what skrool jockeys are? You never went and got skrool jockeys?
Me: No, I do not believe I have ever purchased and skrool jockeys.
Zoe: What? That's ridiculous!
Me: Wait a second. I can't have heard you right. You said skrool jockeys, yes?
Zoe: YES, Ella. Skrool jockeys.
Me: Say it slow
Zoe: Sk-rool juh-ock-eeeeesss
Me: Skrool jockeys
Zoe (getting really annoyed): SKROOL JOCKEYS ELLA! SKROOL! JOCKEYS!
Me: But Zoe, what in the HELL are skrool jockeys?
Zoe: SIGH. Jesus Christ Ella! What would YOU call things like pens and pencils and notebooks?
Me: School supplies? SCHOOL SUPPLIES? That's what you've been saying all this time?
Zoe: YES! What is going ON here?
Me: It sounded like you said "skrool jockeys"
Zoe: I did!
Me: No, no. It sounds like you're saying s-k-r-o-o-l j-o-c-k-e-y-s.
Zoe: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: But I've been saying that back to you and you've been saying that's what you said! So I actually said "skrool jockeys" and you heard "school supplies"?
Zoe: Well, you know you mumble on the phone, Ella.
Thursday 17 March 2011
Zoe Week: Why spiders are scary
Zoe: Holy shit Ella! I just had a near death experience! Like, I seriously almost just died!
Me (thinking the worst, like maybe a car accident): Oh my God! What happened?
Zoe: There was a spider (deep shuddery breath) ON MY FACE!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Is that it?
Zoe: IS THAT IT? Ella, I almost DIED!
Me: Oh yeah? Of what exactly?
Zoe: Of a spider on my face, weren't you listening?
Me (laughing): Ok then. Hey, why are you even scared of spiders anyway?
Zoe: What do you mean? They're terrifying?
Me: What's terrifying about them though?
Zoe: EVERYTHING!
Me: But Zoe, they don't hurt you or anything. They're not poisonous.
Zoe: But they're disgusting! DIS-GUS-TING!!!
Me: Ok yeah I can see how some people might think they're gross but they're not scary.
Zoe: But disgusting IS scary!
Me: No its' not. It's just disgusting.
Zoe: Scary
Me: No. I mean disgusting isn't harmful or anything though
Zoe: Yes it is
Me: Ok, I get it that they're gross an icky. But other than that what exactly are you scared the spider is going to DO?
Zoe (completely exasperated): SIGH...BE DISGUSTING!!!
At this point I just break into laughter
Me: Seriously? That's it?
Zoe: Terrifying, Ella. Terrifying.
Classic Zoe.
Me (thinking the worst, like maybe a car accident): Oh my God! What happened?
Zoe: There was a spider (deep shuddery breath) ON MY FACE!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Is that it?
Zoe: IS THAT IT? Ella, I almost DIED!
Me: Oh yeah? Of what exactly?
Zoe: Of a spider on my face, weren't you listening?
Me (laughing): Ok then. Hey, why are you even scared of spiders anyway?
Zoe: What do you mean? They're terrifying?
Me: What's terrifying about them though?
Zoe: EVERYTHING!
Me: But Zoe, they don't hurt you or anything. They're not poisonous.
Zoe: But they're disgusting! DIS-GUS-TING!!!
Me: Ok yeah I can see how some people might think they're gross but they're not scary.
Zoe: But disgusting IS scary!
Me: No its' not. It's just disgusting.
Zoe: Scary
Me: No. I mean disgusting isn't harmful or anything though
Zoe: Yes it is
Me: Ok, I get it that they're gross an icky. But other than that what exactly are you scared the spider is going to DO?
Zoe (completely exasperated): SIGH...BE DISGUSTING!!!
At this point I just break into laughter
Me: Seriously? That's it?
Zoe: Terrifying, Ella. Terrifying.
Classic Zoe.
Tuesday 15 March 2011
Zoe Week: The definition of "guts"
This is a recurring debate between Zoe and I and it's been going on for years. Rather than recount any one conversation, I have summarized into a typical exchange. It goes something like this:
Me: Hey Zoe, I saw one of those girls today who is so skinny you wonder how it's even possible. You know what I mean? Like SO SKINNY you're like, how can there be lungs in there? And a liver? And intestines and stuff? Like, how is it possible that she and I have the same amount of guts.
Zoe: They're not guts, Ella.
Me: Huh? What do you mean?
Zoe: All that stuff in there...it's not called "guts"
Me: What? Of course those are guts!
Zoe: No they're not because they're your intestines and liver and gall bladder and stuff. Not guts
Me: What? Of course those are guts! That's what guts ARE
Zoe: No, because they're inside
Me: What? Of course they're inside. Where else would they be
Zoe: Well they only become guts if they're outside of you
Me: What? No, they're guts inside too
Zoe: No, no, no. If they're INSDIE you they're your organs. If they're OUTSIDE they're guts. And really, they're only guts if they're, like, all mixed up
Me: What are you talking about?
Zoe: You know. Like if you were in an accident and your insides are on the outside and they're all squished up...NOW it's guts.
Me: No, Zoe. I don't think so. I mean, yes, they would be guts in that situation, but they're ALSO guts when they're intact and/or inside.
Zoe: No.
Me: Yes.
Zoe: Ella. No.
Me: YES Zoe. They absolutely ARE! Guts is, like, a collective term for all that stuff in there
Zoe: Yes, if that stuff is outside of you and mixed up.
Me: NO
Zoe: YES! Look, Ella. when everything is inside and not mushed up, you can tell what's what. That's intestines, that's kidneys, that's bladder....but if it's OUTSIDE and smooshed together you can't tell so it's just GUTS!
Pause
Me: SIGH. So A-N-Y-W-A-Y....this girl was so skinny I couldn't even believe it.
Me: Hey Zoe, I saw one of those girls today who is so skinny you wonder how it's even possible. You know what I mean? Like SO SKINNY you're like, how can there be lungs in there? And a liver? And intestines and stuff? Like, how is it possible that she and I have the same amount of guts.
Zoe: They're not guts, Ella.
Me: Huh? What do you mean?
Zoe: All that stuff in there...it's not called "guts"
Me: What? Of course those are guts!
Zoe: No they're not because they're your intestines and liver and gall bladder and stuff. Not guts
Me: What? Of course those are guts! That's what guts ARE
Zoe: No, because they're inside
Me: What? Of course they're inside. Where else would they be
Zoe: Well they only become guts if they're outside of you
Me: What? No, they're guts inside too
Zoe: No, no, no. If they're INSDIE you they're your organs. If they're OUTSIDE they're guts. And really, they're only guts if they're, like, all mixed up
Me: What are you talking about?
Zoe: You know. Like if you were in an accident and your insides are on the outside and they're all squished up...NOW it's guts.
Me: No, Zoe. I don't think so. I mean, yes, they would be guts in that situation, but they're ALSO guts when they're intact and/or inside.
Zoe: No.
Me: Yes.
Zoe: Ella. No.
Me: YES Zoe. They absolutely ARE! Guts is, like, a collective term for all that stuff in there
Zoe: Yes, if that stuff is outside of you and mixed up.
Me: NO
Zoe: YES! Look, Ella. when everything is inside and not mushed up, you can tell what's what. That's intestines, that's kidneys, that's bladder....but if it's OUTSIDE and smooshed together you can't tell so it's just GUTS!
Pause
Me: SIGH. So A-N-Y-W-A-Y....this girl was so skinny I couldn't even believe it.
Zoe Week!!!!!
In honour of my sister Zoe's birthday (coming up on Saturday), I am having "Zoe Week" on Really!?!Whatever... Zoe routinely says things that make me breathless with laughter so I will be recounting such Zoe classics as : Skrool Jockeys, the definition of "guts", hey Ella, do you know anything about lawnmowers? and more.
Stay tuned.......
Stay tuned.......
Wednesday 9 March 2011
RAT WATCH 2011 !!!
This is a story about my mom. Refer back to my first post to get a little character sketch. But briefly, picture Tommy Chong but female. Same hair and everything.
I'm on the phone with Mom yesterday.
Mom: There he is again! Oh that little bugger!
Me: What? Who?
Mom: That rat! The one under the shed! We have another trap set but he never goes in there.
Me: Jesus Mom. This has been going on for months. Just poison it already.
Mom: Yeah but I don't want to inadvertently kill any squirrels or birds or anything.
Me: Mom, it's RAT poison. I'm pretty sure it only attracts rats.
Mom: You could look it up on your internet
Let's pause for a moment here. She suggested I look it up on MY internet. I now own the internet.
So, this rat thing has been going on for months. There's a rat living under the wood shed at my mom's and they have been unable to apprehend it. I say a rat, but in reality we all know there is no such thing as just one rat. Either they keep seeing the same rat or they are only seeing one at a time. Mom is constantly vigilant for a rat sighting, even using her binoculars to watch for it.
There have been multiple attempts to get this rat and remove it from the premises. Here are my two favorites:
The shovel:
Richard, Mom's partner, standing outside by the hole in the shed, snow shovel raised and ready to strike. Like a crane he waits, still and silent. Patient. Zen-like. For TWENTY MINUTES. Mom is watching all this from inside with her binoculars. (The shed isn't more than a few yards from the house, in plain view, but I guess binoculars really enhance the experience of looking at things that are not really very far away. SHRUG. It's a very mom thing to do).
Suddenly the rat appears from it's hidey-hole and leaps past Richard. Richard strikes and misses, slips on the ice and for a moment, Richard's feet, the rat and the shovel are entangled. Richard lands in the snowbank, the rat escapes.
The Wile-E Coyote:
This one reminds me of Wile-E Coyote trying to catch the Roadrunner. Remember the classic cartoon trap where you set up a box propped up on a stick with string tied to the stick and bait under the box? And then when your target goes for the bait you yank the string? Well apparently my mother thinks this can work in real life. Earth to Mom!!! It doesn't even work in cartoons!
So again, there's Richard, holding on to the end of about 20 feet of string, tied to a stick which is holding up a box with bait under it. He's hiding around the side of the deck. Still. Silent. Patient. Mom is again watching this through her binoculars from inside.
I interrupt Mom telling me about this with my laughter. I am busting a gut!
Mom: What?
Me: Did the box say "ACME" on it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mom (not getting it): Er...no.
Me: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mom: Well anyway, the rat never showed up and it was cold out...
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA! snort! STOP! MOM! YOU'RE KILLING ME!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mom: Well I guess it is a little comical...
Me: GASP! STOP IT! I CAN'T BREATHE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Back to yesterday's conversation:
Me: Mom, you know rats are highly intelligent. I'm pretty sure the rat is laughing at you guys right now and plotting ways to rid YOU from ITS property! Because clearly the rat is in charge here.
Mom: No, no. We'll get him.
Riiiiiiight.....
And so, RAT WATCH 2011 continues...
I'm on the phone with Mom yesterday.
Mom: There he is again! Oh that little bugger!
Me: What? Who?
Mom: That rat! The one under the shed! We have another trap set but he never goes in there.
Me: Jesus Mom. This has been going on for months. Just poison it already.
Mom: Yeah but I don't want to inadvertently kill any squirrels or birds or anything.
Me: Mom, it's RAT poison. I'm pretty sure it only attracts rats.
Mom: You could look it up on your internet
Let's pause for a moment here. She suggested I look it up on MY internet. I now own the internet.
So, this rat thing has been going on for months. There's a rat living under the wood shed at my mom's and they have been unable to apprehend it. I say a rat, but in reality we all know there is no such thing as just one rat. Either they keep seeing the same rat or they are only seeing one at a time. Mom is constantly vigilant for a rat sighting, even using her binoculars to watch for it.
There have been multiple attempts to get this rat and remove it from the premises. Here are my two favorites:
The shovel:
Richard, Mom's partner, standing outside by the hole in the shed, snow shovel raised and ready to strike. Like a crane he waits, still and silent. Patient. Zen-like. For TWENTY MINUTES. Mom is watching all this from inside with her binoculars. (The shed isn't more than a few yards from the house, in plain view, but I guess binoculars really enhance the experience of looking at things that are not really very far away. SHRUG. It's a very mom thing to do).
Suddenly the rat appears from it's hidey-hole and leaps past Richard. Richard strikes and misses, slips on the ice and for a moment, Richard's feet, the rat and the shovel are entangled. Richard lands in the snowbank, the rat escapes.
The Wile-E Coyote:
This one reminds me of Wile-E Coyote trying to catch the Roadrunner. Remember the classic cartoon trap where you set up a box propped up on a stick with string tied to the stick and bait under the box? And then when your target goes for the bait you yank the string? Well apparently my mother thinks this can work in real life. Earth to Mom!!! It doesn't even work in cartoons!
So again, there's Richard, holding on to the end of about 20 feet of string, tied to a stick which is holding up a box with bait under it. He's hiding around the side of the deck. Still. Silent. Patient. Mom is again watching this through her binoculars from inside.
I interrupt Mom telling me about this with my laughter. I am busting a gut!
Mom: What?
Me: Did the box say "ACME" on it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mom (not getting it): Er...no.
Me: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mom: Well anyway, the rat never showed up and it was cold out...
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA! snort! STOP! MOM! YOU'RE KILLING ME!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mom: Well I guess it is a little comical...
Me: GASP! STOP IT! I CAN'T BREATHE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Back to yesterday's conversation:
Me: Mom, you know rats are highly intelligent. I'm pretty sure the rat is laughing at you guys right now and plotting ways to rid YOU from ITS property! Because clearly the rat is in charge here.
Mom: No, no. We'll get him.
Riiiiiiight.....
And so, RAT WATCH 2011 continues...
Monday 7 March 2011
Socks and high heels dance party!
So I went shopping yesterday for back to work stuff and the pride and joy of this excursion is a pair of nude heels. HOT! They are about a half size too small but the size up is way too big. So, they need to be stretched out. For those of you who are not in the know about such things, the best way to do this is to put leather cleaner on them to soften the leather and then wear the shoes around with thick socks for a while.
So I get two pairs of Mark's thick sweat socks (black) and I stuff my feet in there. OUCH!
Gavin: Ohhhh! You look so fancy Mom!
I figure a good way to really work them in is to dance in them. Plus this will keep Gavin entertained. So I put on the tunes, full blast and start busin' a move around the livingroom.
Now, just so you have a full mental image, let me describe my look in greater detail:
I haven't done my haor and it's a big floppy mop because of the humidity. No makeup (ew!). Old white tank top with holes in it. Pink zip up sweatshirt. Capri yoga pants. TWO PAIRS of men's black gym socks, and nude leather 4 inch heels. And I am GIVIN' 'ER on the dancefloor AKA my livingroom carpet.
DING DONG!
Oh shit. The door. OH MY GOD WHATDOIDOWHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO!!!!!!!! Ok, it's too late. Whoever is at the door had to walk right past the livingroom window. There is no way they didn't see me. No way out. I answer the door. As is.
Guy at the door (looking me straight in the face): Good morning Ma'am. (Hands me a card) My name is Kevin and I'm with Electrolux blah blah blah...
Me: Mmm hmm... Yes we have a central vac, no it's not an electrolux, yes I'm happy with it, no I'm not concerned about suction...
Kevin: Ok well you have me card blah blah blah. Have a nice day Ma'am.
I close the door. HOW did he not laugh? HOW? He can't NOT have noticed. I bet he can't WAIT to get back to the office to tell all his work buddies about this.
So I get two pairs of Mark's thick sweat socks (black) and I stuff my feet in there. OUCH!
Gavin: Ohhhh! You look so fancy Mom!
I figure a good way to really work them in is to dance in them. Plus this will keep Gavin entertained. So I put on the tunes, full blast and start busin' a move around the livingroom.
Now, just so you have a full mental image, let me describe my look in greater detail:
I haven't done my haor and it's a big floppy mop because of the humidity. No makeup (ew!). Old white tank top with holes in it. Pink zip up sweatshirt. Capri yoga pants. TWO PAIRS of men's black gym socks, and nude leather 4 inch heels. And I am GIVIN' 'ER on the dancefloor AKA my livingroom carpet.
DING DONG!
Oh shit. The door. OH MY GOD WHATDOIDOWHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO!!!!!!!! Ok, it's too late. Whoever is at the door had to walk right past the livingroom window. There is no way they didn't see me. No way out. I answer the door. As is.
Guy at the door (looking me straight in the face): Good morning Ma'am. (Hands me a card) My name is Kevin and I'm with Electrolux blah blah blah...
Me: Mmm hmm... Yes we have a central vac, no it's not an electrolux, yes I'm happy with it, no I'm not concerned about suction...
Kevin: Ok well you have me card blah blah blah. Have a nice day Ma'am.
I close the door. HOW did he not laugh? HOW? He can't NOT have noticed. I bet he can't WAIT to get back to the office to tell all his work buddies about this.
Sunday 6 March 2011
Play Date
Gavin had a play date with Jay yesterday.
Tasha and Jay arrive.
Gavin: Come and see my room! (Gavin says this to every single person who comes in the door). I have new cars! (he doesn't)
Tasha: So when should I pick him up?
Me: Oh, a couple of hours at least. Let them have a good play..
Tasha: Ok, see you in a while!
The two of them take off screaming into Gavin's room and immediately there is a loud BANG! I go in and I see Gavin holding a toy bus over his head getting ready to throw it at Jay. Jay is grinning as if to say "bring it on!" Gavin looks at me guiltily.
Me: Ok guys, we're not going to throw toys.
Gavin slowly lowers the bus.
I leave the room again.
BANG! CRASH!
I go back in. Every single toy is on the the floor, toy bins are all over the place and the two of them are attempting to play with each and every toy in rapid succession. I check my watch. The play date is officially 3 whole seconds old.
Mark: Hey, let's set up the tent!
He sets up the tent in the middle of the mess.
The boys play in it for another 3 seconds or so.
Gavin: Mom, can we have a snack?
I hook them up with fruit bars and cheesies and plonk them on the couch to watch a movie.
Snacks are gone in under a minute, I swear to God. It's like these kids are on speed!
We are now like, 5 minutes in.
I'll spare you the minute by minute but basically, they go back into Gavin's room, and Gavin gets 3 time outs for throwing buses etc. at Jayden. Yogurt gets eaten, there is discussion about cake being a good supper option, they watch a movie (well, I use the term"watch" loosely).
Overall, a great play date. These two are so, so funny together.
Best conversation of the day:
Gavin: Jay what do you like to eat for supper?
Jay: Cake!
Gavin: Hmmm...we don't have anyfing to make a cake.
Jay (disappointed): oh...
Gavin: But sometimes Jeff and Kelly bring cake!
Jay (hopeful): oh!
Me: Guys, there's not going to be any cake
Gavin: We have yogurt!
Jay: Ohhhh!!!!
Yogurts all around...
Tasha and Jay arrive.
Gavin: Come and see my room! (Gavin says this to every single person who comes in the door). I have new cars! (he doesn't)
Tasha: So when should I pick him up?
Me: Oh, a couple of hours at least. Let them have a good play..
Tasha: Ok, see you in a while!
The two of them take off screaming into Gavin's room and immediately there is a loud BANG! I go in and I see Gavin holding a toy bus over his head getting ready to throw it at Jay. Jay is grinning as if to say "bring it on!" Gavin looks at me guiltily.
Me: Ok guys, we're not going to throw toys.
Gavin slowly lowers the bus.
I leave the room again.
BANG! CRASH!
I go back in. Every single toy is on the the floor, toy bins are all over the place and the two of them are attempting to play with each and every toy in rapid succession. I check my watch. The play date is officially 3 whole seconds old.
Mark: Hey, let's set up the tent!
He sets up the tent in the middle of the mess.
The boys play in it for another 3 seconds or so.
Gavin: Mom, can we have a snack?
I hook them up with fruit bars and cheesies and plonk them on the couch to watch a movie.
Snacks are gone in under a minute, I swear to God. It's like these kids are on speed!
We are now like, 5 minutes in.
I'll spare you the minute by minute but basically, they go back into Gavin's room, and Gavin gets 3 time outs for throwing buses etc. at Jayden. Yogurt gets eaten, there is discussion about cake being a good supper option, they watch a movie (well, I use the term"watch" loosely).
Overall, a great play date. These two are so, so funny together.
Best conversation of the day:
Gavin: Jay what do you like to eat for supper?
Jay: Cake!
Gavin: Hmmm...we don't have anyfing to make a cake.
Jay (disappointed): oh...
Gavin: But sometimes Jeff and Kelly bring cake!
Jay (hopeful): oh!
Me: Guys, there's not going to be any cake
Gavin: We have yogurt!
Jay: Ohhhh!!!!
Yogurts all around...
Thursday 3 March 2011
Why are you not saying "Wow!"?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I am still laughing at this...this just happened like 3 seconds ago!
Gavin: I need to poop
Me: Ok go poop and call me when you need me to wipe your bum
Gavin goes into the bathroom and gets himself settled. Me and Mark are still in the kitchen, chatting.
Gavin (yelling): MOM! Come and watch me!
Me (yelling back): No I'm talking to daddy, just call me when you need me to wipe your bum!
A few seconds go by...
Gavin: DAD!
Mark: What!
Gavin: After I'm done pooping can I have a treat?
Mark: No!
Gavin: Why!?
Mark: You already had a treat!
(keep in mind this is all yelling)
Gavin: But I'm still hungry!
Mark: But I said no!
A few more seconds go by...
Gavin: MOM!
Me: What!
Gavin: Can I have a treat?
Me: No!
Gavin: ERRRRRGGGHH!!!
A few more seconds....
Gavin: MOM! I'm all done!
I go into the bathroom to help Gavin out. He's bent over and I'm wiping his bum...
Gavin: Mom can you see my poop in da toiwet?
Me: Yeah
Gavin: Why are you not saying "wow"?
Awesome!
Gavin: I need to poop
Me: Ok go poop and call me when you need me to wipe your bum
Gavin goes into the bathroom and gets himself settled. Me and Mark are still in the kitchen, chatting.
Gavin (yelling): MOM! Come and watch me!
Me (yelling back): No I'm talking to daddy, just call me when you need me to wipe your bum!
A few seconds go by...
Gavin: DAD!
Mark: What!
Gavin: After I'm done pooping can I have a treat?
Mark: No!
Gavin: Why!?
Mark: You already had a treat!
(keep in mind this is all yelling)
Gavin: But I'm still hungry!
Mark: But I said no!
A few more seconds go by...
Gavin: MOM!
Me: What!
Gavin: Can I have a treat?
Me: No!
Gavin: ERRRRRGGGHH!!!
A few more seconds....
Gavin: MOM! I'm all done!
I go into the bathroom to help Gavin out. He's bent over and I'm wiping his bum...
Gavin: Mom can you see my poop in da toiwet?
Me: Yeah
Gavin: Why are you not saying "wow"?
Awesome!
Hitty! Hitty! Hitty!
I don't get it. Our cat, Caillou, is this big, lazy, grumpy old curmudgeon who never does anything more exciting than roll over. But every time Summer sees him she goes ape-shit! She jumps and kicks and squeals in delight! Over NOTHING! Recently she started reaching for him saying "Hitty! Hitty! Hitty!" in this sort of excited, awestruck whisper. I do not get it. He just lays there. He doesn't scamper about, he doesn't chase balls of yarn, he's like, 13 years old...he might as well be one of the couch cushions.
At approximately 2:30pm each day, the cat decides it is supper time and he rises from his spot on the back of the couch to demand that I feed him. This is like the most exciting event in Summer's day becuase the cat is actually moving around and lets out the occasional disgruntled "meow". This sends her into spasms of sbsolute ecstasy. In fact, I try to make a point of putting her in the exersaucer at this time of day so she can watch the cat walk around being grumpy and jump around like a crazy person.
It is currently 2:25pm and this exact scenario has been going on for about 10 minutes. The cat is sitting at my feet as I type, meowing angrily at me, and Summer is screaming and jumping and reachng for him. HILARIOUS! She does not react this way to any of her cool toys that talk, sing, buzz, jump, pop, light up, or all of the above. ONLY the cat does this to her. I do not get it.
At approximately 2:30pm each day, the cat decides it is supper time and he rises from his spot on the back of the couch to demand that I feed him. This is like the most exciting event in Summer's day becuase the cat is actually moving around and lets out the occasional disgruntled "meow". This sends her into spasms of sbsolute ecstasy. In fact, I try to make a point of putting her in the exersaucer at this time of day so she can watch the cat walk around being grumpy and jump around like a crazy person.
It is currently 2:25pm and this exact scenario has been going on for about 10 minutes. The cat is sitting at my feet as I type, meowing angrily at me, and Summer is screaming and jumping and reachng for him. HILARIOUS! She does not react this way to any of her cool toys that talk, sing, buzz, jump, pop, light up, or all of the above. ONLY the cat does this to her. I do not get it.
Wednesday 2 March 2011
Gavin has women all figured out
Thank you Tasha for this little story:
Jay runs out of the toy room : No no no!
Gavin is chasing him: I just want a kiss!
Tasha: Gavin, what's the matter?
Gavin (tears in his eyes): I just want a kiss. I love to kiss my mommy and I just want to kiss him.
Tasha: You can give me a kiss
He does
Gavin: Thank you Tasha. That makes me feel better
MELT!
Gavin has been all about the kisses lately. His current favorite song is XOXOXO by the Black Eyed Peas. And he has learned the power of the kiss and the effect it has on the ladies...especially Mommy. Every time he gets a talking to, it goes something like this:
Gavin is licking the dining table (just for example...he actually does this quite a lot and it drives me mental)
Mommy (sternly): Cut that out!
Gavin licks the table again
Mommy: Gavin! I said stop licking the mmfffflllll
That "mmffffllll" at the end is where Gavin grabs my face with both hands and kisses me full on the mouth while I'm in the middle of yelling at him. He releases me, grinning. Damn it! NOW how am I supposed to be mad?
He pulls this little stunt all the time...when it's the end of a time out and I'm telling him why he had a time out and demanding an apology, when I catch him doing something he shouldn't and I'm about to open my mouth to scold him. I should mention that he NEVER pulls this with his father. Little frigger has it all figured out. I can see it now...flash forward 15 years....
Susie: Gavin Kelly! I heard you were out with Jenny last night! You were supposed to take ME to the movies but you said you were sick you little mmmffffflllllll!!!!!!! Oh! My! Er.....what was I saying?
He's three years old! The ladies are not going to have a chance.
Jay runs out of the toy room : No no no!
Gavin is chasing him: I just want a kiss!
Tasha: Gavin, what's the matter?
Gavin (tears in his eyes): I just want a kiss. I love to kiss my mommy and I just want to kiss him.
Tasha: You can give me a kiss
He does
Gavin: Thank you Tasha. That makes me feel better
MELT!
Gavin has been all about the kisses lately. His current favorite song is XOXOXO by the Black Eyed Peas. And he has learned the power of the kiss and the effect it has on the ladies...especially Mommy. Every time he gets a talking to, it goes something like this:
Gavin is licking the dining table (just for example...he actually does this quite a lot and it drives me mental)
Mommy (sternly): Cut that out!
Gavin licks the table again
Mommy: Gavin! I said stop licking the mmfffflllll
That "mmffffllll" at the end is where Gavin grabs my face with both hands and kisses me full on the mouth while I'm in the middle of yelling at him. He releases me, grinning. Damn it! NOW how am I supposed to be mad?
He pulls this little stunt all the time...when it's the end of a time out and I'm telling him why he had a time out and demanding an apology, when I catch him doing something he shouldn't and I'm about to open my mouth to scold him. I should mention that he NEVER pulls this with his father. Little frigger has it all figured out. I can see it now...flash forward 15 years....
Susie: Gavin Kelly! I heard you were out with Jenny last night! You were supposed to take ME to the movies but you said you were sick you little mmmffffflllllll!!!!!!! Oh! My! Er.....what was I saying?
He's three years old! The ladies are not going to have a chance.
hmm...I think I'll start a blog...
So...I decided to start a blog. It was a total spur of the moment decision...well no, that's not exactly true. I've been putting up little quotes from my son on facebook for ages and people really seem to love it, but there's just so much more funny stuff in my life and a facebook status update just doesn't work for all of it. So I've been looking for another way to have some fun with my family online and I figured I'd try a blog. So today I just did it. I warn you...I have NO idea what I'm doing so bear with me!
Ever since my sisters and I were little kids, our main form of humour has been re-enactments of hilarious things other people say and do. This is essentially what I've done on facebook...repeat conversations between myself and my son...and it seems to work. So that's what I plan to do here for the most part. Just repeat things that people in my life say and do that strikes me funny. These little tid bits are infinitely funnier if you know the people involved, and I'm sure many of you do, but for the benefit of those who don't, let me introduce to you the main characters in my life:
Me: I'm a working mom (well, on mat leave right now but soon to return to work), married to Mark who is the love of my life. I'm 34 years old, the oldest of 5 girls.
Mark: My darling husband...he's a self confessed computer nerd, and everyone who knows him knows that he is super funny!
Gavin: My 3 year old son. He's a little turkey...an adorable kid, full of fun and humour. He is the source of most of the funny moments in this house. His 2 best buddies are Jay and Carter (his cousin).
Summer: My 8 month old daughter. She can't talk yet but she's funny in her own way.
Zoe: My sister and mother to Carter and Farrah (who will also be featured from time to time). Zoe's hilarious...similar sense of humour to me.
Tiffany: Another sister. She's a teacher and while funny, she can also be quite dry (which is, in itself, quite funny at times)
Mom: My mother...I don't even know where to begin with her. EVERY SINGLE THING she says is funny. She is an old hippie who always comes across as if she's stoned off her ass, even when she's not. She says very random, strange things. I could make fun of her all day long. I warned her that I was going to do this and she is very anxious about it. She's very suspicious of the internet in general (when you read that last sentence, pronounce it like "in -ter- net", like you're just learning thsi starnge new word and that's how she says it...LOL!)
Tasha: Gavin and Summer's daycare provider. Gavin sometimes says things to her and about her that bear repeating.
Anyhow, I'm just going to write about stuff I think is funny and I hope you all think it's funny too....
Ever since my sisters and I were little kids, our main form of humour has been re-enactments of hilarious things other people say and do. This is essentially what I've done on facebook...repeat conversations between myself and my son...and it seems to work. So that's what I plan to do here for the most part. Just repeat things that people in my life say and do that strikes me funny. These little tid bits are infinitely funnier if you know the people involved, and I'm sure many of you do, but for the benefit of those who don't, let me introduce to you the main characters in my life:
Me: I'm a working mom (well, on mat leave right now but soon to return to work), married to Mark who is the love of my life. I'm 34 years old, the oldest of 5 girls.
Mark: My darling husband...he's a self confessed computer nerd, and everyone who knows him knows that he is super funny!
Gavin: My 3 year old son. He's a little turkey...an adorable kid, full of fun and humour. He is the source of most of the funny moments in this house. His 2 best buddies are Jay and Carter (his cousin).
Summer: My 8 month old daughter. She can't talk yet but she's funny in her own way.
Zoe: My sister and mother to Carter and Farrah (who will also be featured from time to time). Zoe's hilarious...similar sense of humour to me.
Tiffany: Another sister. She's a teacher and while funny, she can also be quite dry (which is, in itself, quite funny at times)
Mom: My mother...I don't even know where to begin with her. EVERY SINGLE THING she says is funny. She is an old hippie who always comes across as if she's stoned off her ass, even when she's not. She says very random, strange things. I could make fun of her all day long. I warned her that I was going to do this and she is very anxious about it. She's very suspicious of the internet in general (when you read that last sentence, pronounce it like "in -ter- net", like you're just learning thsi starnge new word and that's how she says it...LOL!)
Tasha: Gavin and Summer's daycare provider. Gavin sometimes says things to her and about her that bear repeating.
Anyhow, I'm just going to write about stuff I think is funny and I hope you all think it's funny too....
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