RAT WATCH 2011 !!!

This is a story about my mom. Refer back to my first post to get a little character sketch. But briefly, picture Tommy Chong but female. Same hair and everything.

I'm on the phone with Mom yesterday.
Mom: There he is again! Oh that little bugger!
Me: What? Who?
Mom: That rat! The one under the shed! We have another trap set but he never goes in there.
Me: Jesus Mom. This has been going on for months. Just poison it already.
Mom: Yeah but I don't want to inadvertently kill any squirrels or birds or anything.
Me: Mom, it's RAT poison. I'm pretty sure it only attracts rats.
Mom: You could look it up on your internet

Let's pause for a moment here. She suggested I look it up on MY internet. I now own the internet.

So, this rat thing has been going on for months. There's a rat living under the wood shed at my mom's and they have been unable to apprehend it. I say a rat, but in reality we all know there is no such thing as just one rat. Either they keep seeing the same rat or they are only seeing one at a time. Mom is constantly vigilant for a rat sighting, even using her binoculars to watch for it.

There have been multiple attempts to get this rat and remove it from the premises. Here are my two favorites:

The shovel:
Richard, Mom's partner, standing outside by the hole in the shed, snow shovel raised and ready to strike. Like a crane he waits, still and silent. Patient. Zen-like. For TWENTY MINUTES. Mom is watching all this from inside with her binoculars. (The shed isn't more than a few yards from the house, in plain view, but I guess binoculars really enhance the experience of looking at things that are not really very far away. SHRUG. It's a very mom thing to do).

Suddenly the rat appears from it's hidey-hole and leaps past Richard. Richard strikes and misses, slips on the ice and for a moment, Richard's feet, the rat and the shovel are entangled. Richard lands in the snowbank, the rat escapes.

The Wile-E Coyote:
This one reminds me of Wile-E Coyote trying to catch the Roadrunner. Remember the classic cartoon trap where you set up a box propped up on a stick with string tied to the stick and bait under the box? And then when your target goes for the bait you yank the string? Well apparently my mother thinks this can work in real life. Earth to Mom!!! It doesn't even work in cartoons!

So again, there's Richard, holding on to the end of about 20 feet of string, tied to a stick which is holding up a box with bait under it. He's hiding around the side of the deck. Still. Silent. Patient. Mom is again watching this through her binoculars from inside.

I interrupt Mom telling me about this with my laughter. I am busting a gut!
Mom: What?
Me: Did the box say "ACME" on it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mom (not getting it): Er...no.
Me: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mom: Well anyway, the rat never showed up and it was cold out...
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA! snort! STOP! MOM! YOU'RE KILLING ME!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mom: Well I guess it is a little comical...
Me: GASP! STOP IT! I CAN'T BREATHE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Back to yesterday's conversation:
Me: Mom, you know rats are highly intelligent. I'm pretty sure the rat is laughing at you guys right now and plotting ways to rid YOU from ITS property! Because clearly the rat is in charge here.
Mom: No, no. We'll get him.

Riiiiiiight.....

And so, RAT WATCH 2011 continues...