Jesus H. CHRIST my mother can make me crazy sometimes!
Ok, just to re-cap for those of you who are unfamiliar with her situation:
Mom is unemployed - no wait, she's not unemployed, she's.........(dramatic pause)...an ARTIST! (you have to say that all breathy). She actually does work seasonally, part time. But who would want a job anyway? Working for the MAN, having to, like, show up on time and all that....who needs it?
As far as I can recall, Mom never really had a JOB-job...I mean, she was a stay at home mother and YES I do realize that's a real job but people, it only counts if you actually take care of your kids. Well, she managed to keep 3 of us alive so I guess that's something....ANYWAY.............
So the other day I figure it's been a while and I should probably call my mother.
RING RING!!!!
Answering machine (see previous post about Mom vs. the government): After tone, record message *BEEEP**
Me: SIGH. Mom it's Ella
Mom (all out of breath): Ella?! Ella?! Don't hang up! It's me!
Me: SIIIIIIGH. Yes. I know. Still screening your calls huh?
Mom: Why of course!
Me: Ok then.
Mom: Well you can't be too careful you kow.
Me: ANYWAYYYYYYY........
Mom: So how are you?
Me: Good. You know. Busy. Crazy busy actually.
Mom: Ugh! I know! I, like...I'm just EXHAUSTED!!!
Hold on a sec...from what exactly?
Me: Oh really?
Mom: Yeah! I've got this really sore throat. I can barely speak (voice gets a bit weak here)
Me: MMM-hmmm. We had that last week. All of us. Even the kids.
Mom (completely ignoring this): Yeah it just...oh Ella...it just takes it out of me....you know? It's just AWFUL
Me: Yeah. I know. We all had it last week.
Mom: I mean, it just makes my life so difficult.
Me: Yes. I know. We ALL. HAD. IT.
Mom thinks she is the only person in the whole world who ever gets sick. I would hate to see her with an actual serious illness because she acts like she's on her deathbed every time she has a sniffle. She has COPD (did I blog about this already?...anyway) Just BARELY...like she's not healthy by any stretch but she isn't dying either. But now, ever since she was diagnosed, everything is a major ordeal. Day before diagnosis going for a 5 mile hike: that was fun! Let's do it again tomorrow! Day after diagnosis going upstairs: call an ambulance.
Mom: So what's new? What have you been doing? (throat so sore you can hardly speak, eh?)
Me: Well, you know, pretty busy these days. Work is really nuts right now, and I'm busy with my volunteer stuff, and now with Gavin in school we have homework to do and it seems like there's a birthday party every weekend...at LEAST one...and Gavin bowls every Saturday and Carter and Farrah have been over for a lot of sleepovers lately and..
Mom: Yeah I KNOW! I'm EXHAUSTED! I've been SOOOOOOO busy lately myself!
Me: Uh huh
Mom: Yeah! I've been cooking beets! You know, to freeze.
Me: uh huuuuuh.
Mom: And you know all the slicing, and cooking and freezing....ugh!
Me: Sounds awful
Mom: Oh yeah...but you know...you just gotta do it!
Me: Yeah
Mom: There just are not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do, you know?
Me: You must want to do a lot of things
Mom (oblivious): I DO!
At this point it's lucky we're on the phone because I could serious bludgeon her with a bushel of beets. I don't think my mother has ever in her entire life experienced the kid of busy I'm talking about...you know the kind of busy where you can't wait til Monday to go to work to get BREAK? No...but really...must be AWFUL to be employed part time for the summer and have to fill the rest of that time with WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT. Sure sucks to be her!
Monday 19 November 2012
Wednesday 5 September 2012
The last day before the the first day of school
OHHHHHH MY FRIGGIN GAWWWDDDDD-uh!!!!!
It's here! What the...? How did THAT happen? But I JUST gave birth to him like 5 minutes ago....plus or minus four and a half years.....
Wow. It seems like yesterday I was looking at that faint blue line of the stick and thinking about how one day...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy in the future.....that little faint blue line on the stick would be going to school. Tomorrow is that day. And today is the day before that day and it's the most horrible, nerve wracking, exciting, awful day of my whole LIFE!
Thinking about things is always so much worse than the actual thing...especially for people like me who think things to death. Tomorrow will be fine. Anticlimactic, even. But TODAY.....today is the day before the day and all I can do is think:
What if I packed too much stuff for lunch? Or not enough? Or the WRONG kind of stuff and the teacher looks at what I packed and JUDGES me as a parent because I packed a granola bar with chocolate chips instead of grapes? What if I get him to wear jeans and it turns out to be a hot day? What if I put him in shorts and it's cold? What if I forgot to pack something and the teacher thinks I'm a LOSER? .....hmmmmm...... actually it seems to me that maybe I'm NOT all that worried about how Gavin is going to fare. I might be more concerned that someone will think I'm a moron.
No really, I AM concerned for him. He's only 4, you know. And he has concerns of his own. He asked me the other day what if someone calls him a stupid-head? Or what if someone tells him his shoes aren't cool? Or what if he gets lost in all the kids and his teacher forgets who he is and he has to cry and then people laugh at him because he cried at school? ....hmmmmmmmm.....seems like Gavin is ALSO worried about someone thinking he's a moron. Wonder where he gets that?
Ah well, the day had to come. I always knew it would. And it will be ok. Better than ok. He's going to LOVE school and he's going to ROCK French immersion kindergarten!
My dear mother imparted some sage words to me just last evening: It's just another piece in the jigsaw puzzle of life that never ends.......until it ends. YAWP! (crazy eyes)
Indeed.
It's here! What the...? How did THAT happen? But I JUST gave birth to him like 5 minutes ago....plus or minus four and a half years.....
Wow. It seems like yesterday I was looking at that faint blue line of the stick and thinking about how one day...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy in the future.....that little faint blue line on the stick would be going to school. Tomorrow is that day. And today is the day before that day and it's the most horrible, nerve wracking, exciting, awful day of my whole LIFE!
Thinking about things is always so much worse than the actual thing...especially for people like me who think things to death. Tomorrow will be fine. Anticlimactic, even. But TODAY.....today is the day before the day and all I can do is think:
What if I packed too much stuff for lunch? Or not enough? Or the WRONG kind of stuff and the teacher looks at what I packed and JUDGES me as a parent because I packed a granola bar with chocolate chips instead of grapes? What if I get him to wear jeans and it turns out to be a hot day? What if I put him in shorts and it's cold? What if I forgot to pack something and the teacher thinks I'm a LOSER? .....hmmmmm...... actually it seems to me that maybe I'm NOT all that worried about how Gavin is going to fare. I might be more concerned that someone will think I'm a moron.
No really, I AM concerned for him. He's only 4, you know. And he has concerns of his own. He asked me the other day what if someone calls him a stupid-head? Or what if someone tells him his shoes aren't cool? Or what if he gets lost in all the kids and his teacher forgets who he is and he has to cry and then people laugh at him because he cried at school? ....hmmmmmmmm.....seems like Gavin is ALSO worried about someone thinking he's a moron. Wonder where he gets that?
Ah well, the day had to come. I always knew it would. And it will be ok. Better than ok. He's going to LOVE school and he's going to ROCK French immersion kindergarten!
My dear mother imparted some sage words to me just last evening: It's just another piece in the jigsaw puzzle of life that never ends.......until it ends. YAWP! (crazy eyes)
Indeed.
Monday 27 August 2012
Mom Vs. The Government
Good grief. I swear to Christ I don't know how I am related to this person.
First of all, before I had this conversation with my mother yesterday, I had a preview. She had already had the exact same conversation with Tiff and of course, Tiff told me all about it. It was funny then but it was INFINITELY funnier in person with all the body language! I will try my best...
Mom: Ok, so if you're calling me just let the machine get it. Say it's you and then if I'm there I'll pick up or call you right back
(Mom has an ACTUAL answering machine...like, not voice mail. No, that's too complicated plus you never know who is listening to those messages).
Me: Uhh...ok.
Mom: It's just that we've been getting too many crazy calls. Like, REALLY messed up, creepy stuff!
Richard: Yeah we're thinking of getting our phone number unlisted.
Me (already knowing what comes next): Oh? What kind of calls?
Now, at this point you're thinking heavy breathing, dirty calls...stuff like that. Nope.
Mom (hushed tones): Well, like somebody keps calling saying they're Statistics Canada wanting to do some kind of "labour force survey" (crazy eyes). YAWP!!!
Me: Uh huh
Mom: I mean, asking all kinds of weird things, like, where do we work and how much money do we make. They even came to the house!
Me: Oh really?
Mom: YEAH! Thank GOD I saw the woman coming up the path. I hid out and pretended I wasn't home (as one does when someone comes to the door...PFFFTTT!!! She said it like this is totally normal behaviour) She left a little package on the door with a phone number so I called her! YAWP! I did! (OMG you are so brave.) And you won't BELIEVE what she said to me!...... (dramatic pause).........She said "Oh! You're the house with all the lovely gardens! Can you believe it!
Me: Er......That doesn't seem so odd, Mom.
Mom: Well obviously she'd been there a while and had a look around and observed EVERY. DETAIL! And she wanted me to KNOW that!
Me: Well, the thing is you DO have lovely gardens and they are in rather plain sight....
Mom: Yes well I found it all rather threatening. I mean, who IS this woman? How do I know she's really from Stats Can?
Me: Well Mom, they DO conduct labour force surveys. I've participated twice. It's pretty normal. If you don't want to do it, just tell them
Mom: Well here's the thing...the lady says we HAVE to. That it's MANDATORY and if we don't do it we can be FINED!!! I mean, that's a threat! That's the government making a threat against me!
Me: I'm sure it's not mandatory, Mom
Mom: Well the paperwork has a box for "decline"
Me: So check it
Mom: Well I don't know Ella. It seems like the government is VERY interested in my affairs
Me: Eye roll....ANYWAYYYYYYYYYY...........
Seriously.
First of all, before I had this conversation with my mother yesterday, I had a preview. She had already had the exact same conversation with Tiff and of course, Tiff told me all about it. It was funny then but it was INFINITELY funnier in person with all the body language! I will try my best...
Mom: Ok, so if you're calling me just let the machine get it. Say it's you and then if I'm there I'll pick up or call you right back
(Mom has an ACTUAL answering machine...like, not voice mail. No, that's too complicated plus you never know who is listening to those messages).
Me: Uhh...ok.
Mom: It's just that we've been getting too many crazy calls. Like, REALLY messed up, creepy stuff!
Richard: Yeah we're thinking of getting our phone number unlisted.
Me (already knowing what comes next): Oh? What kind of calls?
Now, at this point you're thinking heavy breathing, dirty calls...stuff like that. Nope.
Mom (hushed tones): Well, like somebody keps calling saying they're Statistics Canada wanting to do some kind of "labour force survey" (crazy eyes). YAWP!!!
Me: Uh huh
Mom: I mean, asking all kinds of weird things, like, where do we work and how much money do we make. They even came to the house!
Me: Oh really?
Mom: YEAH! Thank GOD I saw the woman coming up the path. I hid out and pretended I wasn't home (as one does when someone comes to the door...PFFFTTT!!! She said it like this is totally normal behaviour) She left a little package on the door with a phone number so I called her! YAWP! I did! (OMG you are so brave.) And you won't BELIEVE what she said to me!...... (dramatic pause).........She said "Oh! You're the house with all the lovely gardens! Can you believe it!
Me: Er......That doesn't seem so odd, Mom.
Mom: Well obviously she'd been there a while and had a look around and observed EVERY. DETAIL! And she wanted me to KNOW that!
Me: Well, the thing is you DO have lovely gardens and they are in rather plain sight....
Mom: Yes well I found it all rather threatening. I mean, who IS this woman? How do I know she's really from Stats Can?
Me: Well Mom, they DO conduct labour force surveys. I've participated twice. It's pretty normal. If you don't want to do it, just tell them
Mom: Well here's the thing...the lady says we HAVE to. That it's MANDATORY and if we don't do it we can be FINED!!! I mean, that's a threat! That's the government making a threat against me!
Me: I'm sure it's not mandatory, Mom
Mom: Well the paperwork has a box for "decline"
Me: So check it
Mom: Well I don't know Ella. It seems like the government is VERY interested in my affairs
Me: Eye roll....ANYWAYYYYYYYYYY...........
Seriously.
Monday 16 July 2012
Come on...NO ONE loves working out!
It's all over Facebook:
"PHWEF! Great workout!"
"Bootcamp was AWESOME today!"
"OMG I haven't worked out in 3 days and I miss it SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!"
Well I call bullshit. I do not believe you when you say you love working out...yes I'm talking to you, Zoe. I don't buy it for one second.
My little sister Zoe, as many of you know, has lost a big ol' pile of weight and is now a fitness model/trainer/inspiration. Round of applause for Zoe (for reals y'all!!!! That's a super big deal!). Now, I'm not very big myself but I am pretty wimpy and flabby. Zoe likes to point out my spaghetti arms at every opportunity. After much harrasing I have finally agreed to give working out a go.
Now, just a little background about me and exercise....
I have worked out in the past, and although I do sometimes find myself in a good routine, it never lasts. Never. It's a waste of money for me to buy a gym membership because I won't go. I have a treadmill, and it's even right on front of the TV so I can watch my shows while I walk....hang clothes on it. I can come up with an excuse like THAT *finger snap* any time, any place NOT to work out (my knees hurt, I just ate and my personal favorite, the kids...). I do love yoga though...but I'm not even as consistent at that as I'd like. Zoe says it's just a stretch. A great, healthy, wonderful stretch...but still, just a stretch.
Me: Yeah but you get all sweaty and stuff
Zoe: It's 109 degrees in there
Me: Yeah but...
Zoe: Just a stretch, man.
Me: But check out my arms from all the planks and upward dogs! *flex*
Zoe: BWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!Stop it!* GASP* No more! Too *GASP* funny! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: *hangs head in shame*
So ok...back to the present..Zoe gives me some exercises to do at home.
Zoe writing down my workout plan.
Mark: PFT.
Zoe: What?
Mark: She's so not going to do that
Me: HEY! Yes I am!
Mark and Zoe: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Evil fuckers. I'll show them!
Day 1
Zoe: So did you work out?
Me: No, I fell asleep.
Zoe: Ella...
Me: WHAT! The kids.....
Day 2
Zoe: So did you do it?
Me: No I went to yoga
Zoe: Ella...
Me: WHAT! I HAVE to go to yoga! My back...you know....
Day 3
Me on FB: Going upstairs to do the workout now
Leave FB open, go upstairs and do the workout.
Mark walks by and sees FB open. The following is cut and pasted from FB:
"PHWEF! Great workout!"
"Bootcamp was AWESOME today!"
"OMG I haven't worked out in 3 days and I miss it SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!"
Well I call bullshit. I do not believe you when you say you love working out...yes I'm talking to you, Zoe. I don't buy it for one second.
My little sister Zoe, as many of you know, has lost a big ol' pile of weight and is now a fitness model/trainer/inspiration. Round of applause for Zoe (for reals y'all!!!! That's a super big deal!). Now, I'm not very big myself but I am pretty wimpy and flabby. Zoe likes to point out my spaghetti arms at every opportunity. After much harrasing I have finally agreed to give working out a go.
Now, just a little background about me and exercise....
I have worked out in the past, and although I do sometimes find myself in a good routine, it never lasts. Never. It's a waste of money for me to buy a gym membership because I won't go. I have a treadmill, and it's even right on front of the TV so I can watch my shows while I walk....hang clothes on it. I can come up with an excuse like THAT *finger snap* any time, any place NOT to work out (my knees hurt, I just ate and my personal favorite, the kids...). I do love yoga though...but I'm not even as consistent at that as I'd like. Zoe says it's just a stretch. A great, healthy, wonderful stretch...but still, just a stretch.
Me: Yeah but you get all sweaty and stuff
Zoe: It's 109 degrees in there
Me: Yeah but...
Zoe: Just a stretch, man.
Me: But check out my arms from all the planks and upward dogs! *flex*
Zoe: BWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!Stop it!* GASP* No more! Too *GASP* funny! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: *hangs head in shame*
So ok...back to the present..Zoe gives me some exercises to do at home.
Zoe writing down my workout plan.
Mark: PFT.
Zoe: What?
Mark: She's so not going to do that
Me: HEY! Yes I am!
Mark and Zoe: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Evil fuckers. I'll show them!
Day 1
Zoe: So did you work out?
Me: No, I fell asleep.
Zoe: Ella...
Me: WHAT! The kids.....
Day 2
Zoe: So did you do it?
Me: No I went to yoga
Zoe: Ella...
Me: WHAT! I HAVE to go to yoga! My back...you know....
Day 3
Me on FB: Going upstairs to do the workout now
Leave FB open, go upstairs and do the workout.
Mark walks by and sees FB open. The following is cut and pasted from FB:
- For your information, I am on my way upstairs to do my bootcamp workout right now.
- Good! I hope u puke! That means a hot ass
- did u do it?
- or what???
- what are you doing on facebook?? get back to the sweat mang!!
- This is Mark
- The bitch leaves FB logged in on my computer all day ever day.
- She is upstairs moaning
- looking for another place to put quarters into the treadmil.
- ahahahahahaha
- is she really doing it?
- Yep - I can take a pic on my phone if you like.
- ohhh yes please
- lol
- <-- Brad popping in here real quick while Zoe types. Zoe leaves FB logged in on my PC too
- pft whatever BRAD!!!
- lol
- Arrgg I know right - makes me mad - I don't have FB and don't want to be tempted by it.
- Anywho - ok I will do a paparazzi pic
- yessssss do it
- lmao
- (Brad) We could do a FaceTime. Have Zoe taunting her on.
- lool
- She just stopped as I climbed the stairs - so I got her putting stuff away - she did not like me taking pics.
- Speaking of Facetime - what email address do you guys have on your iPad for Apple ID?
- hahaha putting stuff away? that's not part of my bootcamp...
- Ours is email@address.com
- email@address.com
- She had the Yoga mat out on the floor and everything.
- Its crazy - now I know she knows how to use it.
- so she did it and finished it?
- I just sent a msg to your Cell phone # I think. If it is your proper Cell -
- My cell is 555-5555
- I believe she is done - its hard to tell cause Corenation Street is booming on the TV up there.
- LOL
- that's one sweaty lookin chick
- love it
- She had words for me - when she saw me/ What are you doing? How long have you been there? is that video? "
- i told her you sent me - she was like? WHAT? She txted you and asked you to check up on me.
- ahahahahahahaa
- im not sure what the yoga mat is for.. lol i think she was improvising the bootcamp a little
- You fuckers!
- lol noo i didnt get to it on time
- Of COURSE I fucking did it! ALL of it! The yoga mat was because my hands kept slipping when I did the inchworms and my knees hurt on the floor when I did pushupsAssholes.Well, I'm proud to inform all you doubters out there that I have now done the workout FOUR TIMES. I think it may actually be getting harder. I'm definitely hating it more. And this brings me back to my original point, which is:I do not believe that anyone actually likes working out. You may like the way it feels when you're done. Sure the sense of accomplishment is awesome. No one can deny that the results are well worth it. But I do not believe that anyone, in the middle of their second set of high-knees is thinking : Fuck yeah! This is so much fun!More like: 25, 26, 27...close enough.
Wednesday 11 July 2012
The poops are fighting
Sheesh. Everything is about poop. And bums. It's all day, every day with these two. Especially Gavin.
Summer in the bath, Gavin on the toilet.
Gavin: ERG! Uhhhhhh!!!!
Me: Er...you ok there?
Gavin: Yeah, the poop is just fighting in my bum
Me: Your poop is what? Stuck in your bum?
Gavin: No it's FIGHTING. The poops are FIGHTING.
Me: uh....
Gavin: Poops are kind of alive and dey fight sometimes
Me: Is that right? Where did you hear that?
Gavin: Tasha told me.....Mom, you didn't KNOW dat?
Me: Nope
Gavin: Yeah Tasha told me and Tanya told Tasha (Tanya is Tasha's friend and frequent visitor to daycare...also known as ANYA!)
Me: ok then
Bath continues, pooping continues.
Gavin: Mom, how come we don't just poop on the ground like animals and bugs?
Me: Well because if people did that there would be poop all over the place and it would be very stinky outside
Gavin: Well but people could just poop on the road and then just cars could drive on it.
Summer (in the bath): Look Mummy! BUM!
SIGH.
Summer in the bath, Gavin on the toilet.
Gavin: ERG! Uhhhhhh!!!!
Me: Er...you ok there?
Gavin: Yeah, the poop is just fighting in my bum
Me: Your poop is what? Stuck in your bum?
Gavin: No it's FIGHTING. The poops are FIGHTING.
Me: uh....
Gavin: Poops are kind of alive and dey fight sometimes
Me: Is that right? Where did you hear that?
Gavin: Tasha told me.....Mom, you didn't KNOW dat?
Me: Nope
Gavin: Yeah Tasha told me and Tanya told Tasha (Tanya is Tasha's friend and frequent visitor to daycare...also known as ANYA!)
Me: ok then
Bath continues, pooping continues.
Gavin: Mom, how come we don't just poop on the ground like animals and bugs?
Me: Well because if people did that there would be poop all over the place and it would be very stinky outside
Gavin: Well but people could just poop on the road and then just cars could drive on it.
Summer (in the bath): Look Mummy! BUM!
SIGH.
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