Mom VS Technology

Mom: Ummmm.....I think I may have broken your TV
Me: What? What do you mean you BROKE it?
Mom: Well it's off now and I can't get it working again.
Me: Well, what did you do?
Mom: I pushed the big silver button on the remote and it went black and now I can't turn it on again.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And for those of you who don't know, we have a "dummy" remote...it literally has a button that says "watch TV" next to it.

But this kind of thing is pretty typical of my mother. She actually has a black and white TV. And she gets out of her chair to change the channel. Mom doesn't like technology. She's about 30 years behind the rest of us in this regard. Maybe more. Like, for example, she has an aswering machine. Not voice mail. An external machine that records messages. She doesn't trust voice mail.

Mom: I'd love to get a typewriter
Me: What?!
Mom: Yeah, an old fashioned one. Not a modern electric one
Me: WHAT!!?! What for?
Mom: For writing
Me: Writing what, Mom? What the hell are you writing that warrants a typewriter?
Mom: Oh, anything. Poems.
Me: Aw Jeez...
Mom: Yeah, I think it would be neat to type stuff out
Me: You know, they have this neat little device now called a computer
Mom: Oh I don't want one of those
Me: No. Of course not. You would rather hammer out a poem on an old manual typewriter. You can't even type! Good grief!

See, Mom thinks there is some kind of romance attached to old things or doing things the old (AKA slow, inefficient, unneccessary) way. She likes to drag things out and hates to learn anything new. Like I've said before, she still thinks it's 1974 and she'd like to preserve that illusion as long as possible. I suppose a typewriter would not have been a wierd thing to own in 1974. Or an answering machine.

But then, on the other hand, Mom is kind of fascinated with technology. She's amazed by it, like someone who has been living without contact with modern society for her whole life. Imagine plucking someone out of the jungles of Guinea and showing them an iPod. Same reaction.

Mom (picking up my cordless house phone, eyes wide): Ohhhhhhhh!!!! Is this a Blackberry?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Zoe recently got one of those new fancy schmancy cameras with all the bells and whistles and gave her old digital camera to Mom. This thing is about 5 years old and it was a cheapy to start with, so to you and I this is nothing special. But to Mom, she has stepped into the space age. She has never ever owned or used a camera that doesn't use film. I can't adequately describe how funny it is for her to take a picture with it, but I'll try....

Mom gets out the camera and outs on one of her multiple pairs of glasses. It takes her about 30 seconds to find the "on" switch. That doesn't shound like a long time but just take a moment to count that out and you'll see. Then when the lens pops out her eyes get wide like she's amazed that's happening and she's wondering if maybe there's a little man inside that pushes it out. Then she lines up her shot. She selects the appropriate glasses form the pile on her head, holds up the camera and frowns at the screen. She lifts her finger to hit the button to take the picture and stops.

Mom (muttering to herself): Why is this....hmmmm....how do I?....ummmmm.....

I go over to help.
Me: Mom, you have it on the setting to view your pictures. here. Slide this thing up to the top...there.

Back to lining up the shot. Finger up to hit the button. ZZRRRMMMM...that's the sound of the lens going back into the camera because she hit the on-off button instead of the the shutter.

Mom: Did I get it?
Me: Yes. Now can we PLEASE stop smiling and blow out the goddam candles?

SIGH. Other people's mothers are on Facebook, doing online dating, using computers at work, taking digital pictures and uploading them to the Internet, listening to music on iPods....not my mother. She's two-finger typing out her poetry on an old manual typewriter, using a 25 year old dictionary and thesarus for reference....by candle light.

Gordon

Gavin and Mark went for a little walk yesterday evening. When they got home, Gavin introduced me to his new friend, a little caterpillar he had found on the road. He had it in his little bug house which is basically a screened box with a handle.

Gavin: Look Mom! I got a cata-uh-cat-cat-er-pil-LER!

Me: Ooooooohhhh! Look at that!

Gavin: He was on da woad and I didn’t want him to get run over by a car.

Me: Oh, very good…

Gavin: And we have gween fings in dere for him! (shows me the leaves and grass they gave it to eat)

Mark: What are you gonna name him?

Gavin: Uhhhhh….nofing. He’s just a caterpillar.

Mark: He’s gotta have a name. You can name him anything you want!

Gavin: Ummmmmmmmmm

Mark: How about Casey? Casey the caterpillar?

Gavin: Yeah, yeah. Uh, Casey. Ok!

So we take “Casey” and find him a safe spot on Gavin’s bookshelf to wait for Gavin to get ready for bed. Gavin getting ready for bed:

Gavin: Mom, I don’t want to call my caterpillar Casey any more

Me: Oh, ok. What should his name be?

Gavin (very decisively): Gordon.

Me: Gordon?

Gavin: Yeah. Gordon. Dat’s a good name!

Me: It sure is!

Gavin: Can Gordon have a sleepover at my house?

Me: Sure he can. But we should ask his Mommy. One sec.

I leave the room to get a phone and quickly fill Mark in on our discussion. I go back to Gavin with the phone and dial “Gordon’s Mommy”.

Ring ring!

Gordon’s Mommy (in a high falsetto voice): Hello?

Me: Hello. This is Gavin’s Mommy. Is this Gordon’s Mommy?

Gordon’s Mommy: Yes. This is Gordon Caterpillar’s Mommy..

Me: Gavin found Gordon on the road and he picked him up and took him to our house because he didn’t want Gordon to get hurt. Is it ok if Gordon sleeps over?

Gordon’s Mommy: Yes, that would be fine. Just make sure he has lots of green things to eat. And thanks you Gavin for keeping my Gordon safe and sound.

Gavin: You’re welcome!.....ummmm….are you a caterpillar?

Gordon’s Mommy: Yes, I’m a caterpillar just like Gordon.

Gavin: Ok. Bye!

So Gavin finishes getting ready for bed and we’re checking on Gordon to make sure he’s all settled for bed. He is on the side of the bug house, on the screen. He’s just hangin out there doing nothing. Gavin pokes him. HARD. REPEATEDLY!

Gavin: Gordon! Are you sleeping? Mom, I want Gordon to eat his gwass.

Me: Oh no no Gavin! You have to be very gentle with caterpillars! They’re very little and you’re very big!

Gavin: OK. Night night Gordon.

Fast forward to this morning. I go wake up Gavin.

Me: Hey let’s check on Gordon!

Gavin jumps out of bed.

We go look. There are now 2 Gordons. Or, more specifically, poor old Gordon is now in 2 pieces. Guess Gavin poked him a little too hard.

Gavin: Why does Gordon have 2 pieces now?

Uh oh.

Gavin: Mom, why? I want him to be one. Why is he 2?

Me: uhhhhhhh

Gavin: Can you make him be one?

Me: Errrr….well, remember when you poked him last night? Well you were a little too rough and you hurt him a little bit. He’ll be ok, but he needs to go home to his Mommy soon.

Gavin: But I don’t want him go home

Me: But caterpillars don’t live in houses, they live outside in the grass.

Gavin (sadly): ok Mom.

Me: But you know what, there are lots of other caterpillars for you to find and maybe we can look for another one later and have another sleepover!

Gavin: Yeah yeah! That would be good! But his name will not be Gordon.

LOL! I love this kid!