Mom VS Technology

Mom: Ummmm.....I think I may have broken your TV
Me: What? What do you mean you BROKE it?
Mom: Well it's off now and I can't get it working again.
Me: Well, what did you do?
Mom: I pushed the big silver button on the remote and it went black and now I can't turn it on again.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And for those of you who don't know, we have a "dummy" remote...it literally has a button that says "watch TV" next to it.

But this kind of thing is pretty typical of my mother. She actually has a black and white TV. And she gets out of her chair to change the channel. Mom doesn't like technology. She's about 30 years behind the rest of us in this regard. Maybe more. Like, for example, she has an aswering machine. Not voice mail. An external machine that records messages. She doesn't trust voice mail.

Mom: I'd love to get a typewriter
Me: What?!
Mom: Yeah, an old fashioned one. Not a modern electric one
Me: WHAT!!?! What for?
Mom: For writing
Me: Writing what, Mom? What the hell are you writing that warrants a typewriter?
Mom: Oh, anything. Poems.
Me: Aw Jeez...
Mom: Yeah, I think it would be neat to type stuff out
Me: You know, they have this neat little device now called a computer
Mom: Oh I don't want one of those
Me: No. Of course not. You would rather hammer out a poem on an old manual typewriter. You can't even type! Good grief!

See, Mom thinks there is some kind of romance attached to old things or doing things the old (AKA slow, inefficient, unneccessary) way. She likes to drag things out and hates to learn anything new. Like I've said before, she still thinks it's 1974 and she'd like to preserve that illusion as long as possible. I suppose a typewriter would not have been a wierd thing to own in 1974. Or an answering machine.

But then, on the other hand, Mom is kind of fascinated with technology. She's amazed by it, like someone who has been living without contact with modern society for her whole life. Imagine plucking someone out of the jungles of Guinea and showing them an iPod. Same reaction.

Mom (picking up my cordless house phone, eyes wide): Ohhhhhhhh!!!! Is this a Blackberry?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Zoe recently got one of those new fancy schmancy cameras with all the bells and whistles and gave her old digital camera to Mom. This thing is about 5 years old and it was a cheapy to start with, so to you and I this is nothing special. But to Mom, she has stepped into the space age. She has never ever owned or used a camera that doesn't use film. I can't adequately describe how funny it is for her to take a picture with it, but I'll try....

Mom gets out the camera and outs on one of her multiple pairs of glasses. It takes her about 30 seconds to find the "on" switch. That doesn't shound like a long time but just take a moment to count that out and you'll see. Then when the lens pops out her eyes get wide like she's amazed that's happening and she's wondering if maybe there's a little man inside that pushes it out. Then she lines up her shot. She selects the appropriate glasses form the pile on her head, holds up the camera and frowns at the screen. She lifts her finger to hit the button to take the picture and stops.

Mom (muttering to herself): Why is this....hmmmm....how do I?....ummmmm.....

I go over to help.
Me: Mom, you have it on the setting to view your pictures. here. Slide this thing up to the top...there.

Back to lining up the shot. Finger up to hit the button. ZZRRRMMMM...that's the sound of the lens going back into the camera because she hit the on-off button instead of the the shutter.

Mom: Did I get it?
Me: Yes. Now can we PLEASE stop smiling and blow out the goddam candles?

SIGH. Other people's mothers are on Facebook, doing online dating, using computers at work, taking digital pictures and uploading them to the Internet, listening to music on iPods....not my mother. She's two-finger typing out her poetry on an old manual typewriter, using a 25 year old dictionary and thesarus for reference....by candle light.