Whatthefuck Cake

Get to Eenie's for a family get together.
Mare: Oh my God! Just WAIT til you see what's for dessert!
Me: Why what's for dessert?

I feel no sense of suspense. Eenie's house is like heaven if heaven is a big kitchen filled with home baked sweets, which of COURSE heaven is because it's HEAVEN. Anywho, it's nothing unusual for there to be a delicious sweet treat waiting for us at Eenie's so I'm kinda like yeah ok whatevs.

Mare: it's a Cher-umple!
Me: It's a what?
Mare: Cher-ber-umple
Me: Chrumple?
Mare: Frumple
Me: ok sure

So we visit, we eat (I mentioned this place is heaven right?) and then it's dessert time. Out comes this....this...THING. I shit you not it's about 12 inches tall, round like a cake and covered in cream coloured icing. So some sort of gigantic cake? Yes......and also no. It's more like "cake...S" because it's 3 cakes. But that's not all. It's also pie. Except it's not pie it's "pie....S" because it's 3 pies.

Let me try to explain this to you...

There are 3 layers. Each layer is a different kind of cake. With a PIE baked INSIDE the cake. Just let that sink in. The bottom is white cake with an apple pie inside. The middle is spice cake with a pumpkin pie baked inside. The top is chocolate cake with a cherry pie baked inside. It's like the ter-duck-en of desserts. The whole thing is glued together with cream cheese icing. It looks like this...



I pinch myself. I silently mouth "WHAT THE FUCK!"

Heaven. Eenie's house is heaven.

BIG news!!!!!

Phone call from Mom last night...

Me: Hey
Mom: I (dramatic pause) am calling (dramatic pause) with BIG news! BIG!
Me: You're pregnant
Mom (completely serious...she doesn't "get" sarcasm): Ah..no. No. Ella I'm 60 years old. I...no.
Me: SIGH. I know Mom. I was kidding.
Mom: Oh...errrrrrrr....well anyway I have BIG news! You'll never guess!
Me: No I probably won't so just tell me
(long pause for added suspense during which I tell Gavin to go brush his teeth because I'm barely listening anyway and am pretty certain this news isn't going to be big at all)
Mom: Old blue has gone to the curb! (holds breath waiting for my...my what? Screech of excitement? What the fuck is she even talking about?)
Me: Old who went to the what now?
Mom (still expectant): Old blue! The couch! The blue couch!
Me: The....Ohhhh...ok I know which couch you mean (she's talking about this blue couch that we got when I was I dunno...12?) So you finally threw it out did you?
Mom: YEP!
Me:.................................................................................
Mom:................................................................................
Me:..........................................................AAAAAAND.....
Mom: Well...umm...that's it. We threw it out! After all these years!
Me: So let me run back through this one more time. The "BIG NEWS" is that you threw away an old moldy couch?
Mom: Yeah
Me: And you didn't find, say, diamonds or something cool in the cushions or anything?
Mom (again not "getting" sarcasm): No. Why would there be diamonds in the cushions?
Me: So the whole story is that you have this 25 plus year old couch that is old and saggy and smelly and you threw it away. That's the WHOLE thing?
Mom: Well yeah.
Me: Ohhhhhhh-KAY. Well I'm...err...happy for you? I guess?
Mom: I KNOW! (Wow. She still thinks this is a big deal)
Me: Okey dokey then. I have to put Gavin to bed now so if you don't have any other exciting news...did you put gas in the car today maybe? Or eat berakfast or anything cool like that? No?
Mom (once again, there's that no sarcasm thing): Oh I always eat breakfast Ella.
Me:..............M'kay. Buh bye.