Gavin: I want to marry Carter
Me: You can't marry Carter buddy
Gavin: Why not? Cuz we're boys?
Me: Haha! No, because he's your cousin. He's already in your family. When you marry someone it's because you love them so much you want them to be your family.
Gavin: Ohhhhhhh....so boys can marry wiv boys?
Me: Yes.
Gavin: And girls can marry wiv girls?
Me: Yes.
Gavin: What if I want to marry a girl though? Do I HAFTA marry a boy?
Me: You marry whoever you love kiddo. Boy, girl...doesn't matter if you love them
And there you have it. Folks it's that simple. I know you were expecting something funny but I thought instead, just this one time, I'd say something serious. It's Pride Week in PEI and I have some people that I love very much who struggled with letting the world know who they are. But they did it. And I'm so, SO proud of them. Love isn't supposed to be complicated. You just love who you love, you know? You just are who you are. So just BE who you are and be proud. And that's it.
Wednesday 30 July 2014
Monday 28 July 2014
Hashtag Toronto
Toronto.Was. AWESOME! Today,the Monday after...not so much. I cannot recall being this tired ever, except maybe for the first 48 hours of motherhood. I'm sure you're all wondering all about my trip, so here's a run-down.
WARNING: We said "hastag" a lot and so I'm going to continue that trend in this post. Annoying, I know. #dealwithit
#Kristin
We got this condo on King West and the girl who apparently lives there is called Kristin. Kristin needs a maid. Or at least some paper towels and spray cleaner. She didn't make a lot of effort to clean the place up for us and we left it cleaner than we got it. She also seemed very under-prepared for guests. Like, it looked like she had cleared out in a hurry. She left a lot of stuff behind. Personal stuff....I know what you're all thinking and yes. OF COURSE we looked through all her drawers and closets! She has some funky face cream that has snails as the main ingredient. She has mink fake eyelashes. She's a size 00 and we wear the same shoe size. WHAT!? Do NOT look at me like that.You would do it too and you know it.
What Kristin does NOT have is facecloths, extra blankets or an iron....or a cleaning lady.
#haveanotherdrink #toomuchwine #toooldforthis #hardcore
The people we were with know how to have a good time! I had way too much alcohol and FAR too little sleep this weekend. I am generally a lightweight when it comes to booze and I'm an early to bed kind of girl. I feel like I was awake and half lit the whole time and I am paying for it today. I can literally feel the bags under my eyes.
I went into my favorite cafe this morning. I usually get a kale juice. The owner took one look at me and laughed.
Owner: Latte?
Me: Please
Owner: One shot or two?
Me: (GLARE)
Owner: Three it is
The people we were with are all younger than me and don't have any kids. I can't compete with that. I am a 38 year old soccer mom. I'm so old and past it that I don't even long for those days anymore. I long for my bath and my bed and my Coronation Street. God I'm lame!
#highlightofthetrip #idplease #38
Without a doubt the highlight of my trip was getting carded at a bar. Me. Like, for reals. And I don't think he was nudging his buddies saying "watch me mess with this desperate old has-been!" He seemed genuinely surprised when he looked at my ID. Must be all the fresh salt air in PEI. Good for the skin you know.
#shopping #nothingfit me
Ugh....Shopping...my nemesis. I love/hate shopping. To clarify: I love clothes and I love having new clothes. What I hate is the process of looking through racks of crap to find a few potentials, then trying on all my finds only to have NOTHING fit me. Anyway, we shopped. And shopped. AND SHOPPED. I bought literally nothing. Ok well not LITERALLY, literally. But not much. At least I'm still solvent and my kids don't have to eat KD for the next month. So, you know, every cloud.
#ArtBattle #jkfanclub #peirepresent #jefflikestoart
Those are all real hashtages and you should check them out on Twitter. There are pictures and everything.
So Art Battle is the reason we went to T-dot on the first place. My brother in law Jeff competed int he national Art Battle finals, representing PEI. He did amazing. I don't think he had high expectations for himself becuase he had checked out the other artists and they are all fantastic, but Jeff can hold his own in that crowd, and he BROUGHT IT! I was so stressed out the whole time but it was so much fun. In the end Jeff didn't take home the trophy but who cares. It was a great time, he did an incredible job and people loved his work.
#eaglesview
Art is funny, isn't it? And arsty people are funny. I can say that because I grew up with this (you all remember my mom, right?). Sometimes art people can get really pretentious about the work and get so deep in their "interprestations" that it gets really silly.Like, they're looking for meaning that isn't there. Sometimes a painting of a tree is just a tree, you know? So Jeff's first round painting was a woman's face, side profile. Some people were examining it between rounds, squinting at it, rubbing their chins, nodding....as arty people do when they are taking in a new peice.
Overheard:
Arty person 1: So what is the name?
Arty person 2: The sign says Jeff Kelly
Arty person 1: Oh yes. That's the artist. But what's the title of the painting?
Arty person 3: I heard someone say it's called Eagle's View. If you look closely you can find an eagle hidden in the painting
Arty persons 1 and 2:(stroking chins and nodding)Ohhhhh!!! Mmmmm-Hmmmm!!!
#Battleofthebutts
Something really interesting happened at Art Battle. It was held in the Maple Leaf Center rink, which is huge. Jeff and the winning artist were on opposite sides of the rink, backs to each other, and they painted THE SAME THING! Different style, but exactly the same thing. A woman's bum. A big, juicy bum. Same pose and everything. And people were going back and forth between the two like crazy trying to decide which one they liked best. It was NUTS! I loved it.
#inanutshell So in a nutshell.... Lots of wine, not enough sleep. Kristin needs to get a maid and stop putting snails on her face (EW!). I still need to find a pencil skirt in my size and may have to order the MK sandals online if I can find them. Art Battle was excellent...glad I went!
#andwecan'tstop #andwewon'tstop
WARNING: We said "hastag" a lot and so I'm going to continue that trend in this post. Annoying, I know. #dealwithit
#Kristin
We got this condo on King West and the girl who apparently lives there is called Kristin. Kristin needs a maid. Or at least some paper towels and spray cleaner. She didn't make a lot of effort to clean the place up for us and we left it cleaner than we got it. She also seemed very under-prepared for guests. Like, it looked like she had cleared out in a hurry. She left a lot of stuff behind. Personal stuff....I know what you're all thinking and yes. OF COURSE we looked through all her drawers and closets! She has some funky face cream that has snails as the main ingredient. She has mink fake eyelashes. She's a size 00 and we wear the same shoe size. WHAT!? Do NOT look at me like that.You would do it too and you know it.
What Kristin does NOT have is facecloths, extra blankets or an iron....or a cleaning lady.
#haveanotherdrink #toomuchwine #toooldforthis #hardcore
The people we were with know how to have a good time! I had way too much alcohol and FAR too little sleep this weekend. I am generally a lightweight when it comes to booze and I'm an early to bed kind of girl. I feel like I was awake and half lit the whole time and I am paying for it today. I can literally feel the bags under my eyes.
I went into my favorite cafe this morning. I usually get a kale juice. The owner took one look at me and laughed.
Owner: Latte?
Me: Please
Owner: One shot or two?
Me: (GLARE)
Owner: Three it is
The people we were with are all younger than me and don't have any kids. I can't compete with that. I am a 38 year old soccer mom. I'm so old and past it that I don't even long for those days anymore. I long for my bath and my bed and my Coronation Street. God I'm lame!
#highlightofthetrip #idplease #38
Without a doubt the highlight of my trip was getting carded at a bar. Me. Like, for reals. And I don't think he was nudging his buddies saying "watch me mess with this desperate old has-been!" He seemed genuinely surprised when he looked at my ID. Must be all the fresh salt air in PEI. Good for the skin you know.
#shopping #nothingfit me
Ugh....Shopping...my nemesis. I love/hate shopping. To clarify: I love clothes and I love having new clothes. What I hate is the process of looking through racks of crap to find a few potentials, then trying on all my finds only to have NOTHING fit me. Anyway, we shopped. And shopped. AND SHOPPED. I bought literally nothing. Ok well not LITERALLY, literally. But not much. At least I'm still solvent and my kids don't have to eat KD for the next month. So, you know, every cloud.
#ArtBattle #jkfanclub #peirepresent #jefflikestoart
Those are all real hashtages and you should check them out on Twitter. There are pictures and everything.
So Art Battle is the reason we went to T-dot on the first place. My brother in law Jeff competed int he national Art Battle finals, representing PEI. He did amazing. I don't think he had high expectations for himself becuase he had checked out the other artists and they are all fantastic, but Jeff can hold his own in that crowd, and he BROUGHT IT! I was so stressed out the whole time but it was so much fun. In the end Jeff didn't take home the trophy but who cares. It was a great time, he did an incredible job and people loved his work.
#eaglesview
Art is funny, isn't it? And arsty people are funny. I can say that because I grew up with this (you all remember my mom, right?). Sometimes art people can get really pretentious about the work and get so deep in their "interprestations" that it gets really silly.Like, they're looking for meaning that isn't there. Sometimes a painting of a tree is just a tree, you know? So Jeff's first round painting was a woman's face, side profile. Some people were examining it between rounds, squinting at it, rubbing their chins, nodding....as arty people do when they are taking in a new peice.
Overheard:
Arty person 1: So what is the name?
Arty person 2: The sign says Jeff Kelly
Arty person 1: Oh yes. That's the artist. But what's the title of the painting?
Arty person 3: I heard someone say it's called Eagle's View. If you look closely you can find an eagle hidden in the painting
Arty persons 1 and 2:(stroking chins and nodding)Ohhhhh!!! Mmmmm-Hmmmm!!!
#Battleofthebutts
Something really interesting happened at Art Battle. It was held in the Maple Leaf Center rink, which is huge. Jeff and the winning artist were on opposite sides of the rink, backs to each other, and they painted THE SAME THING! Different style, but exactly the same thing. A woman's bum. A big, juicy bum. Same pose and everything. And people were going back and forth between the two like crazy trying to decide which one they liked best. It was NUTS! I loved it.
#inanutshell So in a nutshell.... Lots of wine, not enough sleep. Kristin needs to get a maid and stop putting snails on her face (EW!). I still need to find a pencil skirt in my size and may have to order the MK sandals online if I can find them. Art Battle was excellent...glad I went!
#andwecan'tstop #andwewon'tstop
Wednesday 23 July 2014
Me vs. Earwigs
Ok so most of you probably already say my Facebook status. Here's a recap:
From Facebook:
OMG. You guys. I am TRAUMATIZED!
So I keep one of those cups with the lid and straw next to my bed in case I get thirsty through the night. This morning, the alarm goes off, I reach over and take a swig of water and there was something IN it that was NOT WATER!
I kind of closed off my throat and held the water in my mouth and the something that was not water (OMG. I need a moment......) It....it...SCURRIED across the roof of my mouth to my teeth! I reflexively opened my mouth and all the water spilled out all over me and my bed and in the water was thing that was not water.
It was..................................................... an EARWIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you done screaming yet? Please don't cry! I'm ok (well, physically anyway. Psychologically is another matter). Like, I'm friends with bugs. We cool. But earwigs are a whooooooooole other thing. Like, where do they get off? Existing. And crawling into my straw at night! How is there not a support group for people who have survived earwig attacks?
Me and earwigs go back a looooooong way. As far as I'm concerned, they started it. By existing. I'm pretty sure that the Bible's portrayal of Satan as a snake in the Garden of Eden is some sort of mistranslation and it was really an earwig. Think about it. Makes sense doesn't it?
The first thing I remember about earwigs is being at my grandparents' apartment building on Summer Street and going outside and pulling the grass away from the sides of the building and seeing BA-JILLIONS of the little effers spew forth. I would have been, what, five? Six-ish? Wasn't scared. But that's before I knoew that their pincher are more than just decorate butt-gear. They pinch! Yes. They do. I know your mother told you they don't but I'm not asking you I am TELLING you. They DO. I know this because one night I woke up to the feeling of little pinches on my belly, lifted my shirt and found 2 earwigs gleefully pinching me under my PJs. Do you know what that DOES to a kid?
I was absolutely TERRIFIED of earwigs for years. Spiders? Love em. Bees? Not scared. Worms and slimy things? We have an understanding. Beetles are just fucking cool. But earwigs are not bugs. They are Satan's little minions.
One day, thanks to the Internet, I learned that soapy water kills earwigs. So I went out and bought those handsoap dispensers that make the soap foamy. When I see an earwig I squirt some foam on it and then watch them suffer and die. I also went ona killing spree with one of those pump-sprayers filled with hot soapy water. Went around and did all the grass at the base on my house.
NOTE: Vegans and animal rights people, calm your tits. You know you hate them too.
Unfortunately, the soapy foam does not prevent them from crawling into my straw at night.
What is their deal anyway? Like, I don't think the world would miss them if they became extinct. Anyone care to contradict that? Nope? Yeah I thought not.
Anyway, the earwigs and I are fighting. It's getting intense. They have clearly stepped up their game. I'm scared.
Monday 21 July 2014
I'M BACK BITCHES!!!!!!
Oh.
Em.
GEE!!!!
I did it! I don't know how, but I'm in. Which means I'M BACK BITCHES!!!!!!
Thank god, because I just HAVE to talk to someone about my mother. It's been building up. I can't take it.
Like today.
Me: So Summer had her 4 year assessment today
Mom: Oh? And?
Me: Oh it was good. You know, she's tall for her age, right on track developmentally. Had her shots. Didn't cry just made a frowny indignant face at the nurse
Mom: HAHA!
Me: and that's it for shots til grade 6
Mom: Oh? What's that one for?
Me: HPV
Mom:.................................................HPV (this is a statement, not a question)
Me: Yep
Mom: Human Papilloma Virus (again, a statement. Not a question)
Me: That's right
Mom (Professor voice ACTIVATED): I see. And this vaccine is optional (statement)
Me: Well in the way that all vaccines are technically optional I suppose....but I'm not a non-vaccinating weirdo so...... (apologies to non-vaccinating weirdos....well, no not really. Vaccinate your kids. Seriously.)
Mom: But HPV is a (now you have to pronounce this next word exactly as I have written it) SEK-SYOO-ALLY transmitted disease (statement)
Me: Yes (statement)
Mom: According to my research (pronounced "rih-seuuch") HPV is transmitted exclusively via SEK-SYOO-AL activity (statement)
Me: Uh huh (statement)
Mom: So you're ok with that? (FINALLY a question!)
Me: Ok with what?
Mom: Well.......I don't know...I guess I just feel that vaccinating a child against a SEK-SYOO-ALLY transmitted disease is tantamount to encouraging them to become SEK-SYOO-ALLY active
Me:.......................................................................SIGH.
This is what I'm dealing with people.
We also recently had THIS conversation:
Mom: This texting this is really unfair. It's exclusionary.
Me: No it's not
Mom: It leaves people out and it's elitist. It's a type of bigotry really
Me: Bigotry.
Mom: Yes. There are lots of people, well a minority but there are lots of us who CHOOSE not to use cell phones and people are discriminating against us and it's cruel.
Me: SIGH. Good grief Mom. Not calling people on the phone and favoring texting is not a HATE CRIME. Jesus.
Mom: It kind of is. I am cut off from communicating because people won't use land lines any more. I call you girls and you don;t answer. Bet you'd answer a text though because that's how everyone does it now. Pretty soon we won;t even bother teaching babies to speak. We'll just put iPodPad thingies in their hands and teach them to text right from the start
Me: You're being hysterical
Mom: I am NOT!
Me: No you're for sure a teensy bit hysterical. Lookit. If YOU choose to use telegraph or a carrier pigeon or smoke signals in 2014 you cannot expect the rest of the world to use your old outdated system.
Mom: WHY THE HELL NOT! If they love me and want to have a meaningful relationship with me they should learn to use the GODDAM TELEPHONE or send me traditional mail!
Me: Wow. I feel like I'm talking to an unfrozen cave person
Mom: Well.....thank you! I take that as a compliment!
Em.
GEE!!!!
I did it! I don't know how, but I'm in. Which means I'M BACK BITCHES!!!!!!
Thank god, because I just HAVE to talk to someone about my mother. It's been building up. I can't take it.
Like today.
Me: So Summer had her 4 year assessment today
Mom: Oh? And?
Me: Oh it was good. You know, she's tall for her age, right on track developmentally. Had her shots. Didn't cry just made a frowny indignant face at the nurse
Mom: HAHA!
Me: and that's it for shots til grade 6
Mom: Oh? What's that one for?
Me: HPV
Mom:.................................................HPV (this is a statement, not a question)
Me: Yep
Mom: Human Papilloma Virus (again, a statement. Not a question)
Me: That's right
Mom (Professor voice ACTIVATED): I see. And this vaccine is optional (statement)
Me: Well in the way that all vaccines are technically optional I suppose....but I'm not a non-vaccinating weirdo so...... (apologies to non-vaccinating weirdos....well, no not really. Vaccinate your kids. Seriously.)
Mom: But HPV is a (now you have to pronounce this next word exactly as I have written it) SEK-SYOO-ALLY transmitted disease (statement)
Me: Yes (statement)
Mom: According to my research (pronounced "rih-seuuch") HPV is transmitted exclusively via SEK-SYOO-AL activity (statement)
Me: Uh huh (statement)
Mom: So you're ok with that? (FINALLY a question!)
Me: Ok with what?
Mom: Well.......I don't know...I guess I just feel that vaccinating a child against a SEK-SYOO-ALLY transmitted disease is tantamount to encouraging them to become SEK-SYOO-ALLY active
Me:.......................................................................SIGH.
This is what I'm dealing with people.
We also recently had THIS conversation:
Mom: This texting this is really unfair. It's exclusionary.
Me: No it's not
Mom: It leaves people out and it's elitist. It's a type of bigotry really
Me: Bigotry.
Mom: Yes. There are lots of people, well a minority but there are lots of us who CHOOSE not to use cell phones and people are discriminating against us and it's cruel.
Me: SIGH. Good grief Mom. Not calling people on the phone and favoring texting is not a HATE CRIME. Jesus.
Mom: It kind of is. I am cut off from communicating because people won't use land lines any more. I call you girls and you don;t answer. Bet you'd answer a text though because that's how everyone does it now. Pretty soon we won;t even bother teaching babies to speak. We'll just put iPodPad thingies in their hands and teach them to text right from the start
Me: You're being hysterical
Mom: I am NOT!
Me: No you're for sure a teensy bit hysterical. Lookit. If YOU choose to use telegraph or a carrier pigeon or smoke signals in 2014 you cannot expect the rest of the world to use your old outdated system.
Mom: WHY THE HELL NOT! If they love me and want to have a meaningful relationship with me they should learn to use the GODDAM TELEPHONE or send me traditional mail!
Me: Wow. I feel like I'm talking to an unfrozen cave person
Mom: Well.....thank you! I take that as a compliment!
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