I'M BACK BITCHES!!!!!!

Oh.

Em.

GEE!!!!

I did it! I don't know how, but I'm in. Which means I'M BACK BITCHES!!!!!!

Thank god, because I just HAVE to talk to someone about my mother. It's been building up. I can't take it.

Like today.

Me: So Summer had her 4 year assessment today
Mom: Oh? And?
Me: Oh it was good. You know, she's tall for her age, right on track developmentally. Had her shots. Didn't cry just made a frowny indignant face at the nurse
Mom: HAHA!
Me: and that's it for shots til grade 6
Mom: Oh? What's that one for?
Me: HPV
Mom:.................................................HPV (this is a statement, not a question)
Me: Yep
Mom: Human Papilloma Virus (again, a statement. Not a question)
Me: That's right
Mom (Professor voice ACTIVATED): I see. And this vaccine is optional (statement)
Me: Well in the way that all vaccines are technically optional I suppose....but I'm not a non-vaccinating weirdo so...... (apologies to non-vaccinating weirdos....well, no not really. Vaccinate your kids. Seriously.)
Mom: But HPV is a (now you have to pronounce this next word exactly as I have written it) SEK-SYOO-ALLY transmitted disease (statement)
Me: Yes (statement)
Mom: According to my research (pronounced "rih-seuuch") HPV is transmitted exclusively via SEK-SYOO-AL activity (statement)
Me: Uh huh (statement)
Mom: So you're ok with that? (FINALLY a question!)
Me: Ok with what?
Mom: Well.......I don't know...I guess I just feel that vaccinating a child against a SEK-SYOO-ALLY transmitted disease is tantamount to encouraging them to become SEK-SYOO-ALLY active
Me:.......................................................................SIGH.

This is what I'm dealing with people.

We also recently had THIS conversation:

Mom: This texting this is really unfair. It's exclusionary.
Me: No it's not
Mom: It leaves people out and it's elitist. It's a type of bigotry really
Me: Bigotry.
Mom: Yes. There are lots of people, well a minority but there are lots of us who CHOOSE not to use cell phones and people are discriminating against us and it's cruel.
Me: SIGH. Good grief Mom. Not calling people on the phone and favoring texting is not a HATE CRIME. Jesus.
Mom: It kind of is. I am cut off from communicating because people won't use land lines any more. I call you girls and you don;t answer. Bet you'd answer a text though because that's how everyone does it now. Pretty soon we won;t even bother teaching babies to speak. We'll just put iPodPad thingies in their hands and teach them to text right from the start
Me: You're being hysterical
Mom: I am NOT!
Me: No you're for sure a teensy bit hysterical. Lookit. If YOU choose to use telegraph or a carrier pigeon or smoke signals in 2014 you cannot expect the rest of the world to use your old outdated system.
Mom: WHY THE HELL NOT! If they love me and want to have a meaningful relationship with me they should learn to use the  GODDAM TELEPHONE or send me traditional mail!
Me: Wow. I feel like I'm talking to an unfrozen cave person
Mom: Well.....thank you! I take that as a compliment!