Me vs. Earwigs

Ok so most of you probably already say my Facebook status. Here's a recap: From Facebook: OMG. You guys. I am TRAUMATIZED! So I keep one of those cups with the lid and straw next to my bed in case I get thirsty through the night. This morning, the alarm goes off, I reach over and take a swig of water and there was something IN it that was NOT WATER! I kind of closed off my throat and held the water in my mouth and the something that was not water (OMG. I need a moment......) It....it...SCURRIED across the roof of my mouth to my teeth! I reflexively opened my mouth and all the water spilled out all over me and my bed and in the water was thing that was not water. It was..................................................... an EARWIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you done screaming yet? Please don't cry! I'm ok (well, physically anyway. Psychologically is another matter). Like, I'm friends with bugs. We cool. But earwigs are a whooooooooole other thing. Like, where do they get off? Existing. And crawling into my straw at night! How is there not a support group for people who have survived earwig attacks? Me and earwigs go back a looooooong way. As far as I'm concerned, they started it. By existing. I'm pretty sure that the Bible's portrayal of Satan as a snake in the Garden of Eden is some sort of mistranslation and it was really an earwig. Think about it. Makes sense doesn't it? The first thing I remember about earwigs is being at my grandparents' apartment building on Summer Street and going outside and pulling the grass away from the sides of the building and seeing BA-JILLIONS of the little effers spew forth. I would have been, what, five? Six-ish? Wasn't scared. But that's before I knoew that their pincher are more than just decorate butt-gear. They pinch! Yes. They do. I know your mother told you they don't but I'm not asking you I am TELLING you. They DO. I know this because one night I woke up to the feeling of little pinches on my belly, lifted my shirt and found 2 earwigs gleefully pinching me under my PJs. Do you know what that DOES to a kid? I was absolutely TERRIFIED of earwigs for years. Spiders? Love em. Bees? Not scared. Worms and slimy things? We have an understanding. Beetles are just fucking cool. But earwigs are not bugs. They are Satan's little minions. One day, thanks to the Internet, I learned that soapy water kills earwigs. So I went out and bought those handsoap dispensers that make the soap foamy. When I see an earwig I squirt some foam on it and then watch them suffer and die. I also went ona killing spree with one of those pump-sprayers filled with hot soapy water. Went around and did all the grass at the base on my house. NOTE: Vegans and animal rights people, calm your tits. You know you hate them too. Unfortunately, the soapy foam does not prevent them from crawling into my straw at night. What is their deal anyway? Like, I don't think the world would miss them if they became extinct. Anyone care to contradict that? Nope? Yeah I thought not. Anyway, the earwigs and I are fighting. It's getting intense. They have clearly stepped up their game. I'm scared.