Classic Mom-poker move: "I'm calling Santa!"
You know this one. I didn't invent it and neither did your mother. It's an oldie and a goodie. It's usually valid November 1 - December 24 and can almost guarantee 6 - 8 weeks of clean plates and clean rooms....but not in MY house.
I pulled out the old "i'm calling Santa" card last night in an effort to get Gavin to put on his pajamas. I don't know what went wrong. Maybe I have a "tell"...you know, a little eye-twitch, a tone of voice...something that lets your opponent know you've got nothin'...anyway, he called me out and threw down a killer hand: "I don't want any presents anyway. I have enough toys."
Fuck.
So of course, he raised me and I've got nothing but I bet a lot of my chips on that last one so what am I gonna do? I go all in. I pick up the phone. I dial Mark's cell (he's driving his mother to Eenie's...you remember Eenie's, right/ HEAVEN!)
Mark: Hullo?
Me: Hi...SANTA.
Mark: Wha? Oh for frig sakes Ella
Me: What's that? Oh you've been watching?
Mark: What's he doing?
Me: Yes that's right. Won't put on his pajamas and being rude to Mom.
Mark: SIGH
Me: Yes, yes Santa I tried a time out but he's still being pretty rude
Mark: Whatever. Bye.
Me: Oh, ok. I'll tell him. Bye SANTA!
Gavin (head cocked, looking at me like I'm a total idiot): Look Mom. I believe in Santa and everything, but I don;t believe that you called him.
This is the equivalent of a call.
Me (not ready to fold): Wha! But! Yeah well then who did I just speak to then?
Gavin (NOT having any of my BS): I dunno. Dad maybe. Zoe. Maybe nobody. I just know you didn't call Santa
Fuck.
Me: yeah well believe what you want. Santa still sees your behaviour and I'm sure he doesn't like it.
Gavin: Don't care.
Me: you better be careful what you say Bud. Santa will think you mean it.
Gavin: I DO mean it. Look (raises face to the ceiling and speaks loudly) Santa, I DO. NOT. WANT. ANY. PRESENTS. I have enough stuff. I mean it!
Fuck.
Well, that's ok though. He'll sleep it off and in the morning he'll be all like oh no I didn't mean it I want lots of presents!
This morning:
Me: Hey sweetie. Don;t worry. Santa knows you were just mad last night and that you don;t really mean what you said.
Gavin: Oh no I totally mean it. I mean, I can't think of anything I actually want this year.
Me: But...!
Gavin: Mom, I do want stuff, but just not bad enough to have to behave all the time, ok?
Fuck.
Did I mention I hate Christmas?
Wednesday 19 November 2014
Friday 14 November 2014
It's beginning to look a lot like...THE MIDDLE OF NOVEMBER!
WARNING: Grinch Rant!
It is November 14 and it's our first real snow of the season. And it's a pretty good one...big fluffy flakes, just enough for a mini snowman (see below). Perfect day for a fireplace and some hot chocolate. But you people just HAVE to take it one step further and start raving on about Christmas. Ew.
I have sort of a love-hate relationship with Christmas. Mostly hate. Of course I like pretty lights and Santa and food and family, but I DON'T like TWO FRIGGIN' MONTHS of it! Christmas is, like, 6 weeks away. That's FOREVER! It is too early for decking the halls. How do you people not just get sick of it? If I put out my decorations and pull out the Michael Buble and Harry Connick Jr. NOW, by the 8th of December I will be OVER IT!
You know what I really hate about Christmas? The obligations. I hate feeling like you HAVE to go to every party, buy cheap gifts for people you don't really want to give gifts to, receive cheap gifts from people who don't really want to give you a gift. I hate shopping. I hate the feeling of just being too hot, too rushed, too crowded and too overwhelmed at the mall. I hate the non-stop baking.
Wow. I'm pretty grinchy about the whole thing aren't I?
Yeah there are things I like....even love...about Christmas. New pajamas. Food. Kids letters to Santa. Food. Seeing the kids' faces Christmas morning. FOOD.
I just wish we cut cut all the crap, you know? In my world Christmas season starts no earlier than December 15 and the tree is down on New Year's Day at the latest. ONLY children would get presents and even then it would be just a stocking and ONE pretty cool toy from Santa and THAT'S IT! And we would just stuff our faces the whole time...wait we already do that. Let's keep that part. And candy canes. Candy canes are sacred.
ALSO...please do not remind me to say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings. YOU FRIGGIN WELL KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
It is November 14 and it's our first real snow of the season. And it's a pretty good one...big fluffy flakes, just enough for a mini snowman (see below). Perfect day for a fireplace and some hot chocolate. But you people just HAVE to take it one step further and start raving on about Christmas. Ew.
I have sort of a love-hate relationship with Christmas. Mostly hate. Of course I like pretty lights and Santa and food and family, but I DON'T like TWO FRIGGIN' MONTHS of it! Christmas is, like, 6 weeks away. That's FOREVER! It is too early for decking the halls. How do you people not just get sick of it? If I put out my decorations and pull out the Michael Buble and Harry Connick Jr. NOW, by the 8th of December I will be OVER IT!
You know what I really hate about Christmas? The obligations. I hate feeling like you HAVE to go to every party, buy cheap gifts for people you don't really want to give gifts to, receive cheap gifts from people who don't really want to give you a gift. I hate shopping. I hate the feeling of just being too hot, too rushed, too crowded and too overwhelmed at the mall. I hate the non-stop baking.
Wow. I'm pretty grinchy about the whole thing aren't I?
Yeah there are things I like....even love...about Christmas. New pajamas. Food. Kids letters to Santa. Food. Seeing the kids' faces Christmas morning. FOOD.
I just wish we cut cut all the crap, you know? In my world Christmas season starts no earlier than December 15 and the tree is down on New Year's Day at the latest. ONLY children would get presents and even then it would be just a stocking and ONE pretty cool toy from Santa and THAT'S IT! And we would just stuff our faces the whole time...wait we already do that. Let's keep that part. And candy canes. Candy canes are sacred.
ALSO...please do not remind me to say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings. YOU FRIGGIN WELL KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Wednesday 5 November 2014
Mountains and Molehills
You guys, I generally try to stay away from controversy. I'm a VERY opinionated person, but I don't want to shove my opinions down other people's throats. But every now and then something pops up and I get the itch. And it itches and itches and ITCHES til I HAVE TO say something....
One of my general pet peeves in life is when people get their perspective all out of alignment; when people make mountains out of molehills. Overreaction drives me crazy...so here I go. Commencing rant now:
Some parents at my kid's school are losing their shit because not all the kids will be doing a Christmas concert. Some kids will be doing Christmas and some will do a concert in the Spring. Everybody gets a concert. Now, I get it. Christmas is a super hairy big deal to some people.
SIDEBAR RANT: One parent mentioned that we are a Christian society. Please note that this is CANADA and in this community in particular we have many cultures and faiths. It is not accurate to say that Christmas is important to every family around here and it's ignorant to suggest that it is, or that because Christianity is predominant here that WE are a Christian society. Yeah I said it. IGNORANT. I don't care if you read it. You IG'NANT, Yuh HEAR?!
ANYWHO.....
You would think that this was an actual serious issue. People are suggesting that the new principal is out to shut down fun altogether. People are using words like DEVASTATED and OUTRAGED to describe their feelings. They are upset that they were not consulted. That the decision was not communicated earlier. That this is tradition and Christmas is essentially ruined. There is an online poll about this. Talk of a petition. Phone calls to the school. E-mails. Letters.
For contrast I would like to point out that our local news ran a story last month about falling test scores in Island schools. A link to the scores was posted online. I checked. Scores in reading are down at our school. The Internet did not notice. Parents were not OUTRAGED. Or DEVASTATED. No one started a petition. Just sayin.
SIDEBAR RANT: The principal is not out to shut down fun. This is not an early 90s Saturday morning teen comedy. Like, come ON.
Look. I do understand. I like to dress my kid up in black pants and a white shirt and slick his hair down and go watch him sing (badly but proudly) while I videotape the whole thing. But it's gravy. It's not the meat and potatoes of what school is all about. Let's get mad about something that MATTERS.
One of my general pet peeves in life is when people get their perspective all out of alignment; when people make mountains out of molehills. Overreaction drives me crazy...so here I go. Commencing rant now:
Some parents at my kid's school are losing their shit because not all the kids will be doing a Christmas concert. Some kids will be doing Christmas and some will do a concert in the Spring. Everybody gets a concert. Now, I get it. Christmas is a super hairy big deal to some people.
SIDEBAR RANT: One parent mentioned that we are a Christian society. Please note that this is CANADA and in this community in particular we have many cultures and faiths. It is not accurate to say that Christmas is important to every family around here and it's ignorant to suggest that it is, or that because Christianity is predominant here that WE are a Christian society. Yeah I said it. IGNORANT. I don't care if you read it. You IG'NANT, Yuh HEAR?!
ANYWHO.....
You would think that this was an actual serious issue. People are suggesting that the new principal is out to shut down fun altogether. People are using words like DEVASTATED and OUTRAGED to describe their feelings. They are upset that they were not consulted. That the decision was not communicated earlier. That this is tradition and Christmas is essentially ruined. There is an online poll about this. Talk of a petition. Phone calls to the school. E-mails. Letters.
For contrast I would like to point out that our local news ran a story last month about falling test scores in Island schools. A link to the scores was posted online. I checked. Scores in reading are down at our school. The Internet did not notice. Parents were not OUTRAGED. Or DEVASTATED. No one started a petition. Just sayin.
SIDEBAR RANT: The principal is not out to shut down fun. This is not an early 90s Saturday morning teen comedy. Like, come ON.
Look. I do understand. I like to dress my kid up in black pants and a white shirt and slick his hair down and go watch him sing (badly but proudly) while I videotape the whole thing. But it's gravy. It's not the meat and potatoes of what school is all about. Let's get mad about something that MATTERS.
Sunday 2 November 2014
This is the only thing on the Internet that is not about Jian Ghomeshi
This post is not about Jian. Just so we're clear.
So the Pineau kids are over for a sleepover. What I always find interesting when these kids are together is how different they are from each other. Physically, personality...everything.
Take Gavin and Carter. Gavin is tall but he's slight. He doesn't even weigh 50 pounds and he is a few weeks shy of his seventh birthday. He's all arms and legs and knobby knees and freckled cheeks. Like a little boy. Carter, who is younger, could pass for nine. Easily. He's a big kid. Not like, overweight big, like SOLID. When I pulled his PJs out of his bag and held them up they went from my neck to my feet. They'd fit ME! He's SIX. His hands are big and his feet are big and he can probably bench, like 125. But he's a little kid. And he behaves like a little kid but when you look at him you expect him to be more independent or mature or something. Gavin more looks the part.
The girls are really different from each other too. Summer is tall and blond. Farrah is petite and dark. They don't look the same age either, in my opinion, but in this case Summer looks older. I think it has more to do with their personalities than their appearance though. Summer is serious and prim. Farrah is snuggly and giggle-y and just so stinkin' CUTE. Summer is cute but would not liked to be told so. She would say "Puppies and babies are cute" and give you an indignant stare. Summer's a bit of a know it all. She's bossy and competitive and particular. Farrah is just easy. She's always happy and bubbly and just goes along with whatever Summer is doing. And every now and then she takes a break and comes over just to give you a hug. no reason. Just time for a hug. You have to make an appointment to hug Summer.
I also find it interesting with the boys that their influence on each other increases the badness exponentially. It doesn't double. It's like bad to the power of 10. Like, as I was typing this they flew by me up the stairs carrying swords.
Me: GUYS! Don't run on the stairs!
Boys: THUMP THUMP THUMP
Me: DO NOT MESS UP SUMMER'S ROOM!
Gavin: Let's go mess up Mom and Dad's room instead
ME: NO!
Carter: Meh let's do it anyways
I'm sick of the sound of my own voice. I have set a new record for saying "No! Stop! Cut that out! This is your FINAL warning!"
On a totally unrelated note Mark popped out last night and when he was coming home he texted me to ask if I wanted him to pick up some wine. I said "YES!". He came home with a box of wine, 24 beers, and 8 Bacardi coolers.
So the Pineau kids are over for a sleepover. What I always find interesting when these kids are together is how different they are from each other. Physically, personality...everything.
Take Gavin and Carter. Gavin is tall but he's slight. He doesn't even weigh 50 pounds and he is a few weeks shy of his seventh birthday. He's all arms and legs and knobby knees and freckled cheeks. Like a little boy. Carter, who is younger, could pass for nine. Easily. He's a big kid. Not like, overweight big, like SOLID. When I pulled his PJs out of his bag and held them up they went from my neck to my feet. They'd fit ME! He's SIX. His hands are big and his feet are big and he can probably bench, like 125. But he's a little kid. And he behaves like a little kid but when you look at him you expect him to be more independent or mature or something. Gavin more looks the part.
The girls are really different from each other too. Summer is tall and blond. Farrah is petite and dark. They don't look the same age either, in my opinion, but in this case Summer looks older. I think it has more to do with their personalities than their appearance though. Summer is serious and prim. Farrah is snuggly and giggle-y and just so stinkin' CUTE. Summer is cute but would not liked to be told so. She would say "Puppies and babies are cute" and give you an indignant stare. Summer's a bit of a know it all. She's bossy and competitive and particular. Farrah is just easy. She's always happy and bubbly and just goes along with whatever Summer is doing. And every now and then she takes a break and comes over just to give you a hug. no reason. Just time for a hug. You have to make an appointment to hug Summer.
I also find it interesting with the boys that their influence on each other increases the badness exponentially. It doesn't double. It's like bad to the power of 10. Like, as I was typing this they flew by me up the stairs carrying swords.
Me: GUYS! Don't run on the stairs!
Boys: THUMP THUMP THUMP
Me: DO NOT MESS UP SUMMER'S ROOM!
Gavin: Let's go mess up Mom and Dad's room instead
ME: NO!
Carter: Meh let's do it anyways
I'm sick of the sound of my own voice. I have set a new record for saying "No! Stop! Cut that out! This is your FINAL warning!"
On a totally unrelated note Mark popped out last night and when he was coming home he texted me to ask if I wanted him to pick up some wine. I said "YES!". He came home with a box of wine, 24 beers, and 8 Bacardi coolers.
Sunday 14 September 2014
Whatthefuck Cake
Get to Eenie's for a family get together.
Mare: Oh my God! Just WAIT til you see what's for dessert!
Me: Why what's for dessert?
I feel no sense of suspense. Eenie's house is like heaven if heaven is a big kitchen filled with home baked sweets, which of COURSE heaven is because it's HEAVEN. Anywho, it's nothing unusual for there to be a delicious sweet treat waiting for us at Eenie's so I'm kinda like yeah ok whatevs.
Mare: it's a Cher-umple!
Me: It's a what?
Mare: Cher-ber-umple
Me: Chrumple?
Mare: Frumple
Me: ok sure
So we visit, we eat (I mentioned this place is heaven right?) and then it's dessert time. Out comes this....this...THING. I shit you not it's about 12 inches tall, round like a cake and covered in cream coloured icing. So some sort of gigantic cake? Yes......and also no. It's more like "cake...S" because it's 3 cakes. But that's not all. It's also pie. Except it's not pie it's "pie....S" because it's 3 pies.
Let me try to explain this to you...
There are 3 layers. Each layer is a different kind of cake. With a PIE baked INSIDE the cake. Just let that sink in. The bottom is white cake with an apple pie inside. The middle is spice cake with a pumpkin pie baked inside. The top is chocolate cake with a cherry pie baked inside. It's like the ter-duck-en of desserts. The whole thing is glued together with cream cheese icing. It looks like this...
I pinch myself. I silently mouth "WHAT THE FUCK!"
Heaven. Eenie's house is heaven.
Mare: Oh my God! Just WAIT til you see what's for dessert!
Me: Why what's for dessert?
I feel no sense of suspense. Eenie's house is like heaven if heaven is a big kitchen filled with home baked sweets, which of COURSE heaven is because it's HEAVEN. Anywho, it's nothing unusual for there to be a delicious sweet treat waiting for us at Eenie's so I'm kinda like yeah ok whatevs.
Mare: it's a Cher-umple!
Me: It's a what?
Mare: Cher-ber-umple
Me: Chrumple?
Mare: Frumple
Me: ok sure
So we visit, we eat (I mentioned this place is heaven right?) and then it's dessert time. Out comes this....this...THING. I shit you not it's about 12 inches tall, round like a cake and covered in cream coloured icing. So some sort of gigantic cake? Yes......and also no. It's more like "cake...S" because it's 3 cakes. But that's not all. It's also pie. Except it's not pie it's "pie....S" because it's 3 pies.
Let me try to explain this to you...
There are 3 layers. Each layer is a different kind of cake. With a PIE baked INSIDE the cake. Just let that sink in. The bottom is white cake with an apple pie inside. The middle is spice cake with a pumpkin pie baked inside. The top is chocolate cake with a cherry pie baked inside. It's like the ter-duck-en of desserts. The whole thing is glued together with cream cheese icing. It looks like this...
I pinch myself. I silently mouth "WHAT THE FUCK!"
Heaven. Eenie's house is heaven.
Wednesday 10 September 2014
BIG news!!!!!
Phone call from Mom last night...
Me: Hey
Mom: I (dramatic pause) am calling (dramatic pause) with BIG news! BIG!
Me: You're pregnant
Mom (completely serious...she doesn't "get" sarcasm): Ah..no. No. Ella I'm 60 years old. I...no.
Me: SIGH. I know Mom. I was kidding.
Mom: Oh...errrrrrrr....well anyway I have BIG news! You'll never guess!
Me: No I probably won't so just tell me
(long pause for added suspense during which I tell Gavin to go brush his teeth because I'm barely listening anyway and am pretty certain this news isn't going to be big at all)
Mom: Old blue has gone to the curb! (holds breath waiting for my...my what? Screech of excitement? What the fuck is she even talking about?)
Me: Old who went to the what now?
Mom (still expectant): Old blue! The couch! The blue couch!
Me: The....Ohhhh...ok I know which couch you mean (she's talking about this blue couch that we got when I was I dunno...12?) So you finally threw it out did you?
Mom: YEP!
Me:.................................................................................
Mom:................................................................................
Me:..........................................................AAAAAAND.....
Mom: Well...umm...that's it. We threw it out! After all these years!
Me: So let me run back through this one more time. The "BIG NEWS" is that you threw away an old moldy couch?
Mom: Yeah
Me: And you didn't find, say, diamonds or something cool in the cushions or anything?
Mom (again not "getting" sarcasm): No. Why would there be diamonds in the cushions?
Me: So the whole story is that you have this 25 plus year old couch that is old and saggy and smelly and you threw it away. That's the WHOLE thing?
Mom: Well yeah.
Me: Ohhhhhhh-KAY. Well I'm...err...happy for you? I guess?
Mom: I KNOW! (Wow. She still thinks this is a big deal)
Me: Okey dokey then. I have to put Gavin to bed now so if you don't have any other exciting news...did you put gas in the car today maybe? Or eat berakfast or anything cool like that? No?
Mom (once again, there's that no sarcasm thing): Oh I always eat breakfast Ella.
Me:..............M'kay. Buh bye.
Me: Hey
Mom: I (dramatic pause) am calling (dramatic pause) with BIG news! BIG!
Me: You're pregnant
Mom (completely serious...she doesn't "get" sarcasm): Ah..no. No. Ella I'm 60 years old. I...no.
Me: SIGH. I know Mom. I was kidding.
Mom: Oh...errrrrrrr....well anyway I have BIG news! You'll never guess!
Me: No I probably won't so just tell me
(long pause for added suspense during which I tell Gavin to go brush his teeth because I'm barely listening anyway and am pretty certain this news isn't going to be big at all)
Mom: Old blue has gone to the curb! (holds breath waiting for my...my what? Screech of excitement? What the fuck is she even talking about?)
Me: Old who went to the what now?
Mom (still expectant): Old blue! The couch! The blue couch!
Me: The....Ohhhh...ok I know which couch you mean (she's talking about this blue couch that we got when I was I dunno...12?) So you finally threw it out did you?
Mom: YEP!
Me:.................................................................................
Mom:................................................................................
Me:..........................................................AAAAAAND.....
Mom: Well...umm...that's it. We threw it out! After all these years!
Me: So let me run back through this one more time. The "BIG NEWS" is that you threw away an old moldy couch?
Mom: Yeah
Me: And you didn't find, say, diamonds or something cool in the cushions or anything?
Mom (again not "getting" sarcasm): No. Why would there be diamonds in the cushions?
Me: So the whole story is that you have this 25 plus year old couch that is old and saggy and smelly and you threw it away. That's the WHOLE thing?
Mom: Well yeah.
Me: Ohhhhhhh-KAY. Well I'm...err...happy for you? I guess?
Mom: I KNOW! (Wow. She still thinks this is a big deal)
Me: Okey dokey then. I have to put Gavin to bed now so if you don't have any other exciting news...did you put gas in the car today maybe? Or eat berakfast or anything cool like that? No?
Mom (once again, there's that no sarcasm thing): Oh I always eat breakfast Ella.
Me:..............M'kay. Buh bye.
Tuesday 26 August 2014
Happy Birthday to me!
So I’m 38 now. Thirty-eight. Ew. Tastes yucky in my mouth when I say it.
So far my birthday has been pretty typical. Yesterday…
Mom: Sooooooooooo
Me: So
Mom: What’s the big plan for Wednesday?
Me: Is something happening on Wednesday?
Mom: Ummm…YEAH, your BIRTHDAY!
Me: My birthday is tomorrow Mom: Err…you sure?
Me: Yes
Mom: No
Me: Well if I’m wrong I should probably correct my driver’s license, passport and birth certificate but hey…you WERE there so…
This from a woman who lost two whole years when she thought she was turning 48 but was turning 50.
Last night…
Me: You know what I want for my birthday you guys? I want everyone to get out of bed with smiles on their faces, eat breakfast with no complaints, get dressed, brush teeth quietly and calmly. That would make all Mom’s dreams come true. Can you do that for me?
Summer: Ok Mom. I will
Gavin: Yeah Mom, we can do that. And we’ll do it like that every day forever ok? That will be your birthday present.
This morning…
Me: DAMMIT GAVIN! Get out of bed! Summer! Stop finger painting with the ketchup and eat your eggs! GAVIN! I said GET UP! Gavin? Are you even…WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING! GET. UP! Summer, just eat them. I’m sorry you don’t like the yellow part of your SCRAMBLED EGGS but that’s just how they are…NO I CANNOT PICK OUT THE YELLOW PARTS! GAVIN! GET OUT OF BED!
On the drive to work, listening to the radio. Birthday announcements come on…
Radio DJ: This one from husband Mark . He says “Like a fine wine” his wife Ella turns another year older. She’s heading to work out in Montague! Happy birthday Ella from your kids Summer , Gavin and your MUCH, MUUUUCH younger husband Mark!
Other DJ: Wait does that mean she’s heading to work drunk?
First DJ: Errr
Second DJ: Well you said about the wine…
First DJ: Oh yeah it’s an expression. Like a fine wine, better with age…AAAAAAnyway Happy birthday to Ella NOT going to work drunk!
I wish I was.
Also, FYI Mark is 10 months younger than me. It’s not even 10am. More birthday to come.
So far my birthday has been pretty typical. Yesterday…
Mom: Sooooooooooo
Me: So
Mom: What’s the big plan for Wednesday?
Me: Is something happening on Wednesday?
Mom: Ummm…YEAH, your BIRTHDAY!
Me: My birthday is tomorrow Mom: Err…you sure?
Me: Yes
Mom: No
Me: Well if I’m wrong I should probably correct my driver’s license, passport and birth certificate but hey…you WERE there so…
This from a woman who lost two whole years when she thought she was turning 48 but was turning 50.
Last night…
Me: You know what I want for my birthday you guys? I want everyone to get out of bed with smiles on their faces, eat breakfast with no complaints, get dressed, brush teeth quietly and calmly. That would make all Mom’s dreams come true. Can you do that for me?
Summer: Ok Mom. I will
Gavin: Yeah Mom, we can do that. And we’ll do it like that every day forever ok? That will be your birthday present.
This morning…
Me: DAMMIT GAVIN! Get out of bed! Summer! Stop finger painting with the ketchup and eat your eggs! GAVIN! I said GET UP! Gavin? Are you even…WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING! GET. UP! Summer, just eat them. I’m sorry you don’t like the yellow part of your SCRAMBLED EGGS but that’s just how they are…NO I CANNOT PICK OUT THE YELLOW PARTS! GAVIN! GET OUT OF BED!
On the drive to work, listening to the radio. Birthday announcements come on…
Radio DJ: This one from husband Mark . He says “Like a fine wine” his wife Ella turns another year older. She’s heading to work out in Montague! Happy birthday Ella from your kids Summer , Gavin and your MUCH, MUUUUCH younger husband Mark!
Other DJ: Wait does that mean she’s heading to work drunk?
First DJ: Errr
Second DJ: Well you said about the wine…
First DJ: Oh yeah it’s an expression. Like a fine wine, better with age…AAAAAAnyway Happy birthday to Ella NOT going to work drunk!
I wish I was.
Also, FYI Mark is 10 months younger than me. It’s not even 10am. More birthday to come.
Thursday 14 August 2014
Does anyone in my family even know what I do for a living?
Summer: Do you have a job?
Me: Yeah
Summer: Is dat where you go?
Me: Yeah, I go there while you're at daycare.
Summer: What do you do dere?
Me: I.....well I....ummmmm....
In my head I'm running through the typical spiel I'd give a grownup: Oh me? Oh I'm in labour force development. You know, delivery of programs to empower people to find and retain long term meaningful employment...
Yeah I can't say that to a 4 year old.
Me: Err....I read a lot
Summer: What do you read?
Me: Ummm....well stuff that other people write saying what they think we should do and then I decide if I'm going to say yes or no
Summer: And what else:
Me: Ummmm....well....I write a lot
Summer: what do you write?
Me: Erm...well...mostly my name I guess...
Summer: Oh. So you read stuff and then write your name on it?
Me: Yes. That is pretty much what I do.
Meanwhile....
Mom: How are things?
Me: oh GAWWWWWD! Tough week at work!
Mom: Oh I KNOW, right?
(you guys may recall that my mom works part time, a few months of the year. So yeah...she KNOWS!)
Me: You know...
Mom: Oh yeah...PFFT! Government! Am I right?
Jesus.
I'm not really sure anyone in my family has any idea what do for a living. Least of all Mom. She thinks "government" is like, one thing.
Me: Mom. SIGH! What do you mean "Government"? What the hell do you know about working for the government?
Mom: Oh you know....gotta hide the money...do another survey...
Me: Survey?!! Wha...? What do you think I do?
Mom: Oh you know. Stats Canada always has some new survey out
Me: Great hairy grief Mom.
Mom: That's just typical of government, you know?
Me: What is? I just said I had a tough week is all...what are you even talking about?
Mom: I'm talking about GOVERNMENT!
Ok well at least she knows I work for A government. She doesn't really know which one or what I do there.
A few months ago I get a call from Gavin's Principal....
I answer in my best business voice with my business greeting.
Principal (laughing): Ohhhhhhh!!! That's where you work! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: Errrr
Principal: I asked Gavin where you work and he said you work at "Staff' and you make fudge! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! AAAAAAAAAny-who I'm calling because your son said he's gonna use a knife on this other kid...
GAAAD!!!!
Does NO-ONE know what I DO?
Me: Mark, do you know what I do at work?
Mark: Um, something about budgets.
Close enough.
Me: Yeah
Summer: Is dat where you go?
Me: Yeah, I go there while you're at daycare.
Summer: What do you do dere?
Me: I.....well I....ummmmm....
In my head I'm running through the typical spiel I'd give a grownup: Oh me? Oh I'm in labour force development. You know, delivery of programs to empower people to find and retain long term meaningful employment...
Yeah I can't say that to a 4 year old.
Me: Err....I read a lot
Summer: What do you read?
Me: Ummm....well stuff that other people write saying what they think we should do and then I decide if I'm going to say yes or no
Summer: And what else:
Me: Ummmm....well....I write a lot
Summer: what do you write?
Me: Erm...well...mostly my name I guess...
Summer: Oh. So you read stuff and then write your name on it?
Me: Yes. That is pretty much what I do.
Meanwhile....
Mom: How are things?
Me: oh GAWWWWWD! Tough week at work!
Mom: Oh I KNOW, right?
(you guys may recall that my mom works part time, a few months of the year. So yeah...she KNOWS!)
Me: You know...
Mom: Oh yeah...PFFT! Government! Am I right?
Jesus.
I'm not really sure anyone in my family has any idea what do for a living. Least of all Mom. She thinks "government" is like, one thing.
Me: Mom. SIGH! What do you mean "Government"? What the hell do you know about working for the government?
Mom: Oh you know....gotta hide the money...do another survey...
Me: Survey?!! Wha...? What do you think I do?
Mom: Oh you know. Stats Canada always has some new survey out
Me: Great hairy grief Mom.
Mom: That's just typical of government, you know?
Me: What is? I just said I had a tough week is all...what are you even talking about?
Mom: I'm talking about GOVERNMENT!
Ok well at least she knows I work for A government. She doesn't really know which one or what I do there.
A few months ago I get a call from Gavin's Principal....
I answer in my best business voice with my business greeting.
Principal (laughing): Ohhhhhhh!!! That's where you work! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: Errrr
Principal: I asked Gavin where you work and he said you work at "Staff' and you make fudge! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! AAAAAAAAAny-who I'm calling because your son said he's gonna use a knife on this other kid...
GAAAD!!!!
Does NO-ONE know what I DO?
Me: Mark, do you know what I do at work?
Mark: Um, something about budgets.
Close enough.
Saturday 9 August 2014
Bad Words
I remember when I was 6 and I learned the "F" word...the REAL "F" word. And also the middle finger. My Dad was yelling at me for something, who knows, anyway he turned his back and in my fury I lifted my middle finger and whispered "fuck off" just as he turned around. I had no idea what any of it meant but I knew it was bad. VERY VERY BAD! I saw my entire 6 years flash before my eyes. I wondered if it was going to hurt. Because I was certain that I was about to be killed. Dad just looked surprised, bit his lip a little and walked away quickly, shoulders shuddering. I now know that he was trying very hard not to laugh and this happens to me now on a regular basis.
I am starting to think that it's a universal thing that being 6 years old is all about discovering bad words. Gavin never knew or cared about bad words when he was 5, but it seems like everything is about bad words these days.
Gavin: Mom, Carter said a bad word at daycare. The "B" word!
Me: Oh yeah? And what's the "B" word?
Gavin: Will I get in trouble if I say it?
Me: No not if you're just telling me
Gavin: Ok.....he said (loud whisper) BALLS!
Gavin playing Minecraft: Oh my God! Holy crap! Holy crap!
Me: GAVIN MARK KELLY!
Where did he even learn that? I don't say crap.
The funny thing is he doesn't even really know what words are bad. Like he has it all wrong.
Overheard talking to a group of girls he was trying to impress:
Gavin: There are 3 really REALLY bad words. There's the "S" word, and the "C" word, and then the baddest is the "F" word
I know what you're thinking. Just wait for it...
Me: Gavin...come over here and let's have a chat
Gavin: Uh oh
Me: I heard you talking about bad words with the girls. I want you to tell me what those words are please
Gavin (clearly knows he's in deep "S" word): Ok Mom. Umm...the "S" word is "stupid"
Me: Mmm-hmmmm....
Gavin: The "C" word is "shit" (Gavin is in French immersion. the "Sh" sound in French is spelled "Ch")
Me: Go on...what's the "F" word?
Gavin (looks at the floor): It's frig....but Carter says it wrong. He calls it "fuck"
I can't even....
I am starting to think that it's a universal thing that being 6 years old is all about discovering bad words. Gavin never knew or cared about bad words when he was 5, but it seems like everything is about bad words these days.
Gavin: Mom, Carter said a bad word at daycare. The "B" word!
Me: Oh yeah? And what's the "B" word?
Gavin: Will I get in trouble if I say it?
Me: No not if you're just telling me
Gavin: Ok.....he said (loud whisper) BALLS!
Gavin playing Minecraft: Oh my God! Holy crap! Holy crap!
Me: GAVIN MARK KELLY!
Where did he even learn that? I don't say crap.
The funny thing is he doesn't even really know what words are bad. Like he has it all wrong.
Overheard talking to a group of girls he was trying to impress:
Gavin: There are 3 really REALLY bad words. There's the "S" word, and the "C" word, and then the baddest is the "F" word
I know what you're thinking. Just wait for it...
Me: Gavin...come over here and let's have a chat
Gavin: Uh oh
Me: I heard you talking about bad words with the girls. I want you to tell me what those words are please
Gavin (clearly knows he's in deep "S" word): Ok Mom. Umm...the "S" word is "stupid"
Me: Mmm-hmmmm....
Gavin: The "C" word is "shit" (Gavin is in French immersion. the "Sh" sound in French is spelled "Ch")
Me: Go on...what's the "F" word?
Gavin (looks at the floor): It's frig....but Carter says it wrong. He calls it "fuck"
I can't even....
Wednesday 6 August 2014
Free dick pics?!!!
So y'all know Zoe, right? My little sister who used to be a BBW and who is now lean and mean? In case you DON'T know about this, here:
Yeah. For reals, yo. That happened.
So anyhow, Zoe, as you might imagine, gets a LOT of attention on Facebook etc. Some people send her notes to tell her what an inspiration she is and others send her marriage proposals....and everything in between.
Me: Oh my God Mark! Zoe said that she has guys sending her pictures of their privates, like ALL THE TIME!
Mark: Free dick pics?!!! Yesssssss!!!!!!
Zoe has recently started taking screen shots of the bizarre things men say to her and it's HILARIOUS! She shares these on her Twitter and Facebook as "Douchebag of the Day". You might wanna follow along because it's super funny!...and sad. Like, what do these guys think is gonna happen? Because they clearly think something is gonna happen.
So, let me ask you this, Internet...what is the appropriate response when someone sends you a dick pic? Like, what's the etiquette there? I have zero experience with this. Alas, no one has ever sent me a photo of their genitals ever. Is it me? Should I be offended? I dunno. Seems unfair that she gets so many and I get none. Just sayin is all.
Zoe: Don't you HATE it when random guys send you obscene texts or like, try to flirt with you at the grocery store?
Me: Oh yeah, totally...wait...what are we talking about? Oh yeah, no. That doesn't happen to me.
Maybe I should work out....
Anyway, check Zoe out here:
Zoe
Yeah. For reals, yo. That happened.
So anyhow, Zoe, as you might imagine, gets a LOT of attention on Facebook etc. Some people send her notes to tell her what an inspiration she is and others send her marriage proposals....and everything in between.
Me: Oh my God Mark! Zoe said that she has guys sending her pictures of their privates, like ALL THE TIME!
Mark: Free dick pics?!!! Yesssssss!!!!!!
Zoe has recently started taking screen shots of the bizarre things men say to her and it's HILARIOUS! She shares these on her Twitter and Facebook as "Douchebag of the Day". You might wanna follow along because it's super funny!...and sad. Like, what do these guys think is gonna happen? Because they clearly think something is gonna happen.
So, let me ask you this, Internet...what is the appropriate response when someone sends you a dick pic? Like, what's the etiquette there? I have zero experience with this. Alas, no one has ever sent me a photo of their genitals ever. Is it me? Should I be offended? I dunno. Seems unfair that she gets so many and I get none. Just sayin is all.
Zoe: Don't you HATE it when random guys send you obscene texts or like, try to flirt with you at the grocery store?
Me: Oh yeah, totally...wait...what are we talking about? Oh yeah, no. That doesn't happen to me.
Maybe I should work out....
Anyway, check Zoe out here:
Zoe
Monday 4 August 2014
Do not accept drinks from this kid!
 |
| WARNING!!! DO NOT ACCEPT DRINKS FROM THIS KID!!! |
Me: What's in the jar?
Gavin: It's beer...well, like I made it with ingredients
Me: What's in it?
Gavin: Water, soap, red food colouring stuff and booger-spit. I'm gonna make someone drink it for a joke!
Oh my God.
Me: GAVIN!!!!
Gavin: Wha? It'll be funny!
Me: Oh no honey you can't let someone drink your spit. That's disgusting.
Gavin: Yeah dat's why it's funny
Me: Hmmmm...yeah it's still a no honey
Gavin: AwwwWWWWW!!!
Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should anyone, anywhere, EVER accept a drink from this kid. Look at him! Innocent, right? Cute, ain't he? I'm sure without this warning you'd be all: Awww...Aren't you the cutest thing? And you made that special for me? *GULP* BLEAAAGH!!!!!
Do not be fooled. This kid is all about joking you up, and he's creative for sure, but doesn't quite know where the line is yet. Wanna know what was in his "beer" the next day?
(as told to me by one of the daycare teachers)
Gavin: Here can you put some food colouring in dis fer me?
Daycare teacher: Sure Gavin...uhhh...why is this warm?
Yeah, and that's not yellow food colouring either.
Look, my kid is not out to give you a disease, he's just thinking maximum grossness = maximum hilarity( and he's not totally wrong if you think about it) but I gotta find a way to make him understand that it's funnier to get someone to drink vinegar or salt water than, well, you know....
In the meantime:
DO NOT ACCEPT DRINKS FROM THIS KID!
Wednesday 30 July 2014
Pride Week
Gavin: I want to marry Carter
Me: You can't marry Carter buddy
Gavin: Why not? Cuz we're boys?
Me: Haha! No, because he's your cousin. He's already in your family. When you marry someone it's because you love them so much you want them to be your family.
Gavin: Ohhhhhhh....so boys can marry wiv boys?
Me: Yes.
Gavin: And girls can marry wiv girls?
Me: Yes.
Gavin: What if I want to marry a girl though? Do I HAFTA marry a boy?
Me: You marry whoever you love kiddo. Boy, girl...doesn't matter if you love them
And there you have it. Folks it's that simple. I know you were expecting something funny but I thought instead, just this one time, I'd say something serious. It's Pride Week in PEI and I have some people that I love very much who struggled with letting the world know who they are. But they did it. And I'm so, SO proud of them. Love isn't supposed to be complicated. You just love who you love, you know? You just are who you are. So just BE who you are and be proud. And that's it.
Me: You can't marry Carter buddy
Gavin: Why not? Cuz we're boys?
Me: Haha! No, because he's your cousin. He's already in your family. When you marry someone it's because you love them so much you want them to be your family.
Gavin: Ohhhhhhh....so boys can marry wiv boys?
Me: Yes.
Gavin: And girls can marry wiv girls?
Me: Yes.
Gavin: What if I want to marry a girl though? Do I HAFTA marry a boy?
Me: You marry whoever you love kiddo. Boy, girl...doesn't matter if you love them
And there you have it. Folks it's that simple. I know you were expecting something funny but I thought instead, just this one time, I'd say something serious. It's Pride Week in PEI and I have some people that I love very much who struggled with letting the world know who they are. But they did it. And I'm so, SO proud of them. Love isn't supposed to be complicated. You just love who you love, you know? You just are who you are. So just BE who you are and be proud. And that's it.
Monday 28 July 2014
Hashtag Toronto
Toronto.Was. AWESOME! Today,the Monday after...not so much. I cannot recall being this tired ever, except maybe for the first 48 hours of motherhood. I'm sure you're all wondering all about my trip, so here's a run-down.
WARNING: We said "hastag" a lot and so I'm going to continue that trend in this post. Annoying, I know. #dealwithit
#Kristin
We got this condo on King West and the girl who apparently lives there is called Kristin. Kristin needs a maid. Or at least some paper towels and spray cleaner. She didn't make a lot of effort to clean the place up for us and we left it cleaner than we got it. She also seemed very under-prepared for guests. Like, it looked like she had cleared out in a hurry. She left a lot of stuff behind. Personal stuff....I know what you're all thinking and yes. OF COURSE we looked through all her drawers and closets! She has some funky face cream that has snails as the main ingredient. She has mink fake eyelashes. She's a size 00 and we wear the same shoe size. WHAT!? Do NOT look at me like that.You would do it too and you know it.
What Kristin does NOT have is facecloths, extra blankets or an iron....or a cleaning lady.
#haveanotherdrink #toomuchwine #toooldforthis #hardcore
The people we were with know how to have a good time! I had way too much alcohol and FAR too little sleep this weekend. I am generally a lightweight when it comes to booze and I'm an early to bed kind of girl. I feel like I was awake and half lit the whole time and I am paying for it today. I can literally feel the bags under my eyes.
I went into my favorite cafe this morning. I usually get a kale juice. The owner took one look at me and laughed.
Owner: Latte?
Me: Please
Owner: One shot or two?
Me: (GLARE)
Owner: Three it is
The people we were with are all younger than me and don't have any kids. I can't compete with that. I am a 38 year old soccer mom. I'm so old and past it that I don't even long for those days anymore. I long for my bath and my bed and my Coronation Street. God I'm lame!
#highlightofthetrip #idplease #38
Without a doubt the highlight of my trip was getting carded at a bar. Me. Like, for reals. And I don't think he was nudging his buddies saying "watch me mess with this desperate old has-been!" He seemed genuinely surprised when he looked at my ID. Must be all the fresh salt air in PEI. Good for the skin you know.
#shopping #nothingfit me
Ugh....Shopping...my nemesis. I love/hate shopping. To clarify: I love clothes and I love having new clothes. What I hate is the process of looking through racks of crap to find a few potentials, then trying on all my finds only to have NOTHING fit me. Anyway, we shopped. And shopped. AND SHOPPED. I bought literally nothing. Ok well not LITERALLY, literally. But not much. At least I'm still solvent and my kids don't have to eat KD for the next month. So, you know, every cloud.
#ArtBattle #jkfanclub #peirepresent #jefflikestoart
Those are all real hashtages and you should check them out on Twitter. There are pictures and everything.
So Art Battle is the reason we went to T-dot on the first place. My brother in law Jeff competed int he national Art Battle finals, representing PEI. He did amazing. I don't think he had high expectations for himself becuase he had checked out the other artists and they are all fantastic, but Jeff can hold his own in that crowd, and he BROUGHT IT! I was so stressed out the whole time but it was so much fun. In the end Jeff didn't take home the trophy but who cares. It was a great time, he did an incredible job and people loved his work.
#eaglesview
Art is funny, isn't it? And arsty people are funny. I can say that because I grew up with this (you all remember my mom, right?). Sometimes art people can get really pretentious about the work and get so deep in their "interprestations" that it gets really silly.Like, they're looking for meaning that isn't there. Sometimes a painting of a tree is just a tree, you know? So Jeff's first round painting was a woman's face, side profile. Some people were examining it between rounds, squinting at it, rubbing their chins, nodding....as arty people do when they are taking in a new peice.
Overheard:
Arty person 1: So what is the name?
Arty person 2: The sign says Jeff Kelly
Arty person 1: Oh yes. That's the artist. But what's the title of the painting?
Arty person 3: I heard someone say it's called Eagle's View. If you look closely you can find an eagle hidden in the painting
Arty persons 1 and 2:(stroking chins and nodding)Ohhhhh!!! Mmmmm-Hmmmm!!!
#Battleofthebutts
Something really interesting happened at Art Battle. It was held in the Maple Leaf Center rink, which is huge. Jeff and the winning artist were on opposite sides of the rink, backs to each other, and they painted THE SAME THING! Different style, but exactly the same thing. A woman's bum. A big, juicy bum. Same pose and everything. And people were going back and forth between the two like crazy trying to decide which one they liked best. It was NUTS! I loved it.
#inanutshell So in a nutshell.... Lots of wine, not enough sleep. Kristin needs to get a maid and stop putting snails on her face (EW!). I still need to find a pencil skirt in my size and may have to order the MK sandals online if I can find them. Art Battle was excellent...glad I went!
#andwecan'tstop #andwewon'tstop
WARNING: We said "hastag" a lot and so I'm going to continue that trend in this post. Annoying, I know. #dealwithit
#Kristin
We got this condo on King West and the girl who apparently lives there is called Kristin. Kristin needs a maid. Or at least some paper towels and spray cleaner. She didn't make a lot of effort to clean the place up for us and we left it cleaner than we got it. She also seemed very under-prepared for guests. Like, it looked like she had cleared out in a hurry. She left a lot of stuff behind. Personal stuff....I know what you're all thinking and yes. OF COURSE we looked through all her drawers and closets! She has some funky face cream that has snails as the main ingredient. She has mink fake eyelashes. She's a size 00 and we wear the same shoe size. WHAT!? Do NOT look at me like that.You would do it too and you know it.
What Kristin does NOT have is facecloths, extra blankets or an iron....or a cleaning lady.
#haveanotherdrink #toomuchwine #toooldforthis #hardcore
The people we were with know how to have a good time! I had way too much alcohol and FAR too little sleep this weekend. I am generally a lightweight when it comes to booze and I'm an early to bed kind of girl. I feel like I was awake and half lit the whole time and I am paying for it today. I can literally feel the bags under my eyes.
I went into my favorite cafe this morning. I usually get a kale juice. The owner took one look at me and laughed.
Owner: Latte?
Me: Please
Owner: One shot or two?
Me: (GLARE)
Owner: Three it is
The people we were with are all younger than me and don't have any kids. I can't compete with that. I am a 38 year old soccer mom. I'm so old and past it that I don't even long for those days anymore. I long for my bath and my bed and my Coronation Street. God I'm lame!
#highlightofthetrip #idplease #38
Without a doubt the highlight of my trip was getting carded at a bar. Me. Like, for reals. And I don't think he was nudging his buddies saying "watch me mess with this desperate old has-been!" He seemed genuinely surprised when he looked at my ID. Must be all the fresh salt air in PEI. Good for the skin you know.
#shopping #nothingfit me
Ugh....Shopping...my nemesis. I love/hate shopping. To clarify: I love clothes and I love having new clothes. What I hate is the process of looking through racks of crap to find a few potentials, then trying on all my finds only to have NOTHING fit me. Anyway, we shopped. And shopped. AND SHOPPED. I bought literally nothing. Ok well not LITERALLY, literally. But not much. At least I'm still solvent and my kids don't have to eat KD for the next month. So, you know, every cloud.
#ArtBattle #jkfanclub #peirepresent #jefflikestoart
Those are all real hashtages and you should check them out on Twitter. There are pictures and everything.
So Art Battle is the reason we went to T-dot on the first place. My brother in law Jeff competed int he national Art Battle finals, representing PEI. He did amazing. I don't think he had high expectations for himself becuase he had checked out the other artists and they are all fantastic, but Jeff can hold his own in that crowd, and he BROUGHT IT! I was so stressed out the whole time but it was so much fun. In the end Jeff didn't take home the trophy but who cares. It was a great time, he did an incredible job and people loved his work.
#eaglesview
Art is funny, isn't it? And arsty people are funny. I can say that because I grew up with this (you all remember my mom, right?). Sometimes art people can get really pretentious about the work and get so deep in their "interprestations" that it gets really silly.Like, they're looking for meaning that isn't there. Sometimes a painting of a tree is just a tree, you know? So Jeff's first round painting was a woman's face, side profile. Some people were examining it between rounds, squinting at it, rubbing their chins, nodding....as arty people do when they are taking in a new peice.
Overheard:
Arty person 1: So what is the name?
Arty person 2: The sign says Jeff Kelly
Arty person 1: Oh yes. That's the artist. But what's the title of the painting?
Arty person 3: I heard someone say it's called Eagle's View. If you look closely you can find an eagle hidden in the painting
Arty persons 1 and 2:(stroking chins and nodding)Ohhhhh!!! Mmmmm-Hmmmm!!!
#Battleofthebutts
Something really interesting happened at Art Battle. It was held in the Maple Leaf Center rink, which is huge. Jeff and the winning artist were on opposite sides of the rink, backs to each other, and they painted THE SAME THING! Different style, but exactly the same thing. A woman's bum. A big, juicy bum. Same pose and everything. And people were going back and forth between the two like crazy trying to decide which one they liked best. It was NUTS! I loved it.
#inanutshell So in a nutshell.... Lots of wine, not enough sleep. Kristin needs to get a maid and stop putting snails on her face (EW!). I still need to find a pencil skirt in my size and may have to order the MK sandals online if I can find them. Art Battle was excellent...glad I went!
#andwecan'tstop #andwewon'tstop
Wednesday 23 July 2014
Me vs. Earwigs
Ok so most of you probably already say my Facebook status. Here's a recap:
From Facebook:
OMG. You guys. I am TRAUMATIZED!
So I keep one of those cups with the lid and straw next to my bed in case I get thirsty through the night. This morning, the alarm goes off, I reach over and take a swig of water and there was something IN it that was NOT WATER!
I kind of closed off my throat and held the water in my mouth and the something that was not water (OMG. I need a moment......) It....it...SCURRIED across the roof of my mouth to my teeth! I reflexively opened my mouth and all the water spilled out all over me and my bed and in the water was thing that was not water.
It was..................................................... an EARWIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you done screaming yet? Please don't cry! I'm ok (well, physically anyway. Psychologically is another matter). Like, I'm friends with bugs. We cool. But earwigs are a whooooooooole other thing. Like, where do they get off? Existing. And crawling into my straw at night! How is there not a support group for people who have survived earwig attacks?
Me and earwigs go back a looooooong way. As far as I'm concerned, they started it. By existing. I'm pretty sure that the Bible's portrayal of Satan as a snake in the Garden of Eden is some sort of mistranslation and it was really an earwig. Think about it. Makes sense doesn't it?
The first thing I remember about earwigs is being at my grandparents' apartment building on Summer Street and going outside and pulling the grass away from the sides of the building and seeing BA-JILLIONS of the little effers spew forth. I would have been, what, five? Six-ish? Wasn't scared. But that's before I knoew that their pincher are more than just decorate butt-gear. They pinch! Yes. They do. I know your mother told you they don't but I'm not asking you I am TELLING you. They DO. I know this because one night I woke up to the feeling of little pinches on my belly, lifted my shirt and found 2 earwigs gleefully pinching me under my PJs. Do you know what that DOES to a kid?
I was absolutely TERRIFIED of earwigs for years. Spiders? Love em. Bees? Not scared. Worms and slimy things? We have an understanding. Beetles are just fucking cool. But earwigs are not bugs. They are Satan's little minions.
One day, thanks to the Internet, I learned that soapy water kills earwigs. So I went out and bought those handsoap dispensers that make the soap foamy. When I see an earwig I squirt some foam on it and then watch them suffer and die. I also went ona killing spree with one of those pump-sprayers filled with hot soapy water. Went around and did all the grass at the base on my house.
NOTE: Vegans and animal rights people, calm your tits. You know you hate them too.
Unfortunately, the soapy foam does not prevent them from crawling into my straw at night.
What is their deal anyway? Like, I don't think the world would miss them if they became extinct. Anyone care to contradict that? Nope? Yeah I thought not.
Anyway, the earwigs and I are fighting. It's getting intense. They have clearly stepped up their game. I'm scared.
Monday 21 July 2014
I'M BACK BITCHES!!!!!!
Oh.
Em.
GEE!!!!
I did it! I don't know how, but I'm in. Which means I'M BACK BITCHES!!!!!!
Thank god, because I just HAVE to talk to someone about my mother. It's been building up. I can't take it.
Like today.
Me: So Summer had her 4 year assessment today
Mom: Oh? And?
Me: Oh it was good. You know, she's tall for her age, right on track developmentally. Had her shots. Didn't cry just made a frowny indignant face at the nurse
Mom: HAHA!
Me: and that's it for shots til grade 6
Mom: Oh? What's that one for?
Me: HPV
Mom:.................................................HPV (this is a statement, not a question)
Me: Yep
Mom: Human Papilloma Virus (again, a statement. Not a question)
Me: That's right
Mom (Professor voice ACTIVATED): I see. And this vaccine is optional (statement)
Me: Well in the way that all vaccines are technically optional I suppose....but I'm not a non-vaccinating weirdo so...... (apologies to non-vaccinating weirdos....well, no not really. Vaccinate your kids. Seriously.)
Mom: But HPV is a (now you have to pronounce this next word exactly as I have written it) SEK-SYOO-ALLY transmitted disease (statement)
Me: Yes (statement)
Mom: According to my research (pronounced "rih-seuuch") HPV is transmitted exclusively via SEK-SYOO-AL activity (statement)
Me: Uh huh (statement)
Mom: So you're ok with that? (FINALLY a question!)
Me: Ok with what?
Mom: Well.......I don't know...I guess I just feel that vaccinating a child against a SEK-SYOO-ALLY transmitted disease is tantamount to encouraging them to become SEK-SYOO-ALLY active
Me:.......................................................................SIGH.
This is what I'm dealing with people.
We also recently had THIS conversation:
Mom: This texting this is really unfair. It's exclusionary.
Me: No it's not
Mom: It leaves people out and it's elitist. It's a type of bigotry really
Me: Bigotry.
Mom: Yes. There are lots of people, well a minority but there are lots of us who CHOOSE not to use cell phones and people are discriminating against us and it's cruel.
Me: SIGH. Good grief Mom. Not calling people on the phone and favoring texting is not a HATE CRIME. Jesus.
Mom: It kind of is. I am cut off from communicating because people won't use land lines any more. I call you girls and you don;t answer. Bet you'd answer a text though because that's how everyone does it now. Pretty soon we won;t even bother teaching babies to speak. We'll just put iPodPad thingies in their hands and teach them to text right from the start
Me: You're being hysterical
Mom: I am NOT!
Me: No you're for sure a teensy bit hysterical. Lookit. If YOU choose to use telegraph or a carrier pigeon or smoke signals in 2014 you cannot expect the rest of the world to use your old outdated system.
Mom: WHY THE HELL NOT! If they love me and want to have a meaningful relationship with me they should learn to use the GODDAM TELEPHONE or send me traditional mail!
Me: Wow. I feel like I'm talking to an unfrozen cave person
Mom: Well.....thank you! I take that as a compliment!
Em.
GEE!!!!
I did it! I don't know how, but I'm in. Which means I'M BACK BITCHES!!!!!!
Thank god, because I just HAVE to talk to someone about my mother. It's been building up. I can't take it.
Like today.
Me: So Summer had her 4 year assessment today
Mom: Oh? And?
Me: Oh it was good. You know, she's tall for her age, right on track developmentally. Had her shots. Didn't cry just made a frowny indignant face at the nurse
Mom: HAHA!
Me: and that's it for shots til grade 6
Mom: Oh? What's that one for?
Me: HPV
Mom:.................................................HPV (this is a statement, not a question)
Me: Yep
Mom: Human Papilloma Virus (again, a statement. Not a question)
Me: That's right
Mom (Professor voice ACTIVATED): I see. And this vaccine is optional (statement)
Me: Well in the way that all vaccines are technically optional I suppose....but I'm not a non-vaccinating weirdo so...... (apologies to non-vaccinating weirdos....well, no not really. Vaccinate your kids. Seriously.)
Mom: But HPV is a (now you have to pronounce this next word exactly as I have written it) SEK-SYOO-ALLY transmitted disease (statement)
Me: Yes (statement)
Mom: According to my research (pronounced "rih-seuuch") HPV is transmitted exclusively via SEK-SYOO-AL activity (statement)
Me: Uh huh (statement)
Mom: So you're ok with that? (FINALLY a question!)
Me: Ok with what?
Mom: Well.......I don't know...I guess I just feel that vaccinating a child against a SEK-SYOO-ALLY transmitted disease is tantamount to encouraging them to become SEK-SYOO-ALLY active
Me:.......................................................................SIGH.
This is what I'm dealing with people.
We also recently had THIS conversation:
Mom: This texting this is really unfair. It's exclusionary.
Me: No it's not
Mom: It leaves people out and it's elitist. It's a type of bigotry really
Me: Bigotry.
Mom: Yes. There are lots of people, well a minority but there are lots of us who CHOOSE not to use cell phones and people are discriminating against us and it's cruel.
Me: SIGH. Good grief Mom. Not calling people on the phone and favoring texting is not a HATE CRIME. Jesus.
Mom: It kind of is. I am cut off from communicating because people won't use land lines any more. I call you girls and you don;t answer. Bet you'd answer a text though because that's how everyone does it now. Pretty soon we won;t even bother teaching babies to speak. We'll just put iPodPad thingies in their hands and teach them to text right from the start
Me: You're being hysterical
Mom: I am NOT!
Me: No you're for sure a teensy bit hysterical. Lookit. If YOU choose to use telegraph or a carrier pigeon or smoke signals in 2014 you cannot expect the rest of the world to use your old outdated system.
Mom: WHY THE HELL NOT! If they love me and want to have a meaningful relationship with me they should learn to use the GODDAM TELEPHONE or send me traditional mail!
Me: Wow. I feel like I'm talking to an unfrozen cave person
Mom: Well.....thank you! I take that as a compliment!
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