BIG news!!!!!

Phone call from Mom last night...

Me: Hey
Mom: I (dramatic pause) am calling (dramatic pause) with BIG news! BIG!
Me: You're pregnant
Mom (completely serious...she doesn't "get" sarcasm): Ah..no. No. Ella I'm 60 years old. I...no.
Me: SIGH. I know Mom. I was kidding.
Mom: Oh...errrrrrrr....well anyway I have BIG news! You'll never guess!
Me: No I probably won't so just tell me
(long pause for added suspense during which I tell Gavin to go brush his teeth because I'm barely listening anyway and am pretty certain this news isn't going to be big at all)
Mom: Old blue has gone to the curb! (holds breath waiting for my...my what? Screech of excitement? What the fuck is she even talking about?)
Me: Old who went to the what now?
Mom (still expectant): Old blue! The couch! The blue couch!
Me: The....Ohhhh...ok I know which couch you mean (she's talking about this blue couch that we got when I was I dunno...12?) So you finally threw it out did you?
Mom: YEP!
Me:.................................................................................
Mom:................................................................................
Me:..........................................................AAAAAAND.....
Mom: Well...umm...that's it. We threw it out! After all these years!
Me: So let me run back through this one more time. The "BIG NEWS" is that you threw away an old moldy couch?
Mom: Yeah
Me: And you didn't find, say, diamonds or something cool in the cushions or anything?
Mom (again not "getting" sarcasm): No. Why would there be diamonds in the cushions?
Me: So the whole story is that you have this 25 plus year old couch that is old and saggy and smelly and you threw it away. That's the WHOLE thing?
Mom: Well yeah.
Me: Ohhhhhhh-KAY. Well I'm...err...happy for you? I guess?
Mom: I KNOW! (Wow. She still thinks this is a big deal)
Me: Okey dokey then. I have to put Gavin to bed now so if you don't have any other exciting news...did you put gas in the car today maybe? Or eat berakfast or anything cool like that? No?
Mom (once again, there's that no sarcasm thing): Oh I always eat breakfast Ella.
Me:..............M'kay. Buh bye.