Mom Guilt

Any mother knows what I'm talking about here. Mom guilt. There is absolutely nothing like it. It is the absolute worst feeling in the whole wide world, and what makes it even worse is it's irrational. I'm having a MAJOR mom-guilt attack at the moment and I feel like I want to die (ok, maybe not DIE, but maybe a deep deep sleep).

You see, I have decided to cut my maternity leave short and return to my job 3 months early. This was MY decision. It was not made out of necessity, like a need for money...I made the decision because.... (deep breath!) .....because I really missed work and I want to go back THERE I SAID IT! I'm the worst mother in the whole world! But you know what? It's true. I like my job, I love my coworkers, and I miss putting on makeup and high heels and talking to grownups.

But this decision came with a price. A BIG one! MOM GUILT! But I don't feel guilty about what you THINK I feel guilty about....

When I tell people I'm feeling guilty they say "There, there. Summer will adjust quickly to daycare. Look how much fun Gavin has there."

That's not it.

They say "Oh I know you'll miss being home with Summer and all your special time together".

Nope. That's not it either.

The fact is (confession time!) that I'm really looking forward to going back to work. I know Summer will do just fine at daycare. I'm not going to miss wearing yoga pants and watching re-runs of Rich Bride Poor Bride. What I feel guilty about is that I DON'T feel bad about that stuff! I mean, what kind of mother am I? What sort of MONSTER doesn't worry about her baby adjusting to daycare? What kind of BEAST wouldn't be sad about not having speacial alone time with her baby? ME. Right here. And so I feel guilty about NOT feeling more guilty about the whole thing.

Yes, mom-guilt is really a very special kind of guilt. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. You can't get away from it. Even when you don't feel guilty you feel guilty. It's not fair! I mean, is this about Eve getting Adam to eat that apple because frankly I don't think we should be punished because Adam can't make his own dietary choices.

Anyway, I know that everything will be fine. I know that I'm a good mother and that my kids love me and me going back 3 months early isn't going to scar anyone for life. I also know that if I can just get through today (my last day at home with the kids before they are both in full time daycare)...if I can just not die from the guilt for the next 24 hours, I will be ok. That's what makes it so friggin' maddening. The irrationality of it all! AGH!

Moms out there...you know what I'm talking about. Everyone else, let me tell you this: every woman you know who has kids is feeling some irrational guilt about SOMETHING right now. Just remember that.