Happy Birthday to me!

So I’m 38 now. Thirty-eight. Ew. Tastes yucky in my mouth when I say it.

So far my birthday has been pretty typical. Yesterday…
Mom: Sooooooooooo
Me: So
Mom: What’s the big plan for Wednesday?
Me: Is something happening on Wednesday?
Mom: Ummm…YEAH, your BIRTHDAY!
Me: My birthday is tomorrow Mom: Err…you sure?
Me: Yes
Mom: No
Me: Well if I’m wrong I should probably correct my driver’s license, passport and birth certificate but hey…you WERE there so…

This from a woman who lost two whole years when she thought she was turning 48 but was turning 50.

Last night…
Me: You know what I want for my birthday you guys? I want everyone to get out of bed with smiles on their faces, eat breakfast with no complaints, get dressed, brush teeth quietly and calmly. That would make all Mom’s dreams come true. Can you do that for me?
Summer: Ok Mom. I will
Gavin: Yeah Mom, we can do that. And we’ll do it like that every day forever ok? That will be your birthday present.

This morning…
Me: DAMMIT GAVIN! Get out of bed! Summer! Stop finger painting with the ketchup and eat your eggs! GAVIN! I said GET UP! Gavin? Are you even…WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING! GET. UP! Summer, just eat them. I’m sorry you don’t like the yellow part of your SCRAMBLED EGGS but that’s just how they are…NO I CANNOT PICK OUT THE YELLOW PARTS! GAVIN! GET OUT OF BED!

On the drive to work, listening to the radio. Birthday announcements come on…
Radio DJ: This one from husband Mark . He says “Like a fine wine” his wife Ella turns another year older. She’s heading to work out in Montague! Happy birthday Ella from your kids Summer , Gavin and your MUCH, MUUUUCH younger husband Mark!
Other DJ: Wait does that mean she’s heading to work drunk?
First DJ: Errr
Second DJ: Well you said about the wine…
First DJ: Oh yeah it’s an expression. Like a fine wine, better with age…AAAAAAnyway Happy birthday to Ella NOT going to work drunk!

I wish I was.
Also, FYI Mark is 10 months younger than me. It’s not even 10am. More birthday to come.

Does anyone in my family even know what I do for a living?

Summer: Do you have a job?
Me: Yeah
Summer: Is dat where you go?
Me: Yeah, I go there while you're at daycare.
Summer: What do you do dere?
Me: I.....well I....ummmmm....

In my head I'm running through the typical spiel I'd give a grownup: Oh me? Oh I'm in labour force development. You know, delivery of programs to empower people to find and retain long term meaningful employment...

Yeah I can't say that to a 4 year old.

Me: Err....I read a lot
Summer: What do you read?
Me: Ummm....well stuff that other people write saying what they think we should do and then I decide if I'm going to say yes or no
Summer: And what else:
Me: Ummmm....well....I write a lot
Summer: what do you write?
Me: Erm...well...mostly my name I guess...
Summer: Oh. So you read stuff and then write your name on it?
Me: Yes. That is pretty much what I do.

Meanwhile....

Mom: How are things?
Me: oh GAWWWWWD! Tough week at work!
Mom: Oh I KNOW, right?
(you guys may recall that my mom works part time, a few months of the year. So yeah...she KNOWS!)
Me: You know...
Mom: Oh yeah...PFFT! Government! Am I right?

Jesus.

I'm not really sure anyone in my family has any idea what do for a living. Least of all Mom. She thinks "government" is like, one thing.

Me: Mom.  SIGH! What do you mean "Government"? What the hell do you know about working for the government?
Mom: Oh you know....gotta hide the money...do another survey...
Me: Survey?!! Wha...? What do you think I do?
Mom: Oh you know. Stats Canada always has some new survey out
Me: Great hairy grief Mom.
Mom: That's just typical of government, you know?
Me: What is? I just said I had a tough week is all...what are you even talking about?
Mom: I'm talking about GOVERNMENT!


Ok well at least she knows I work for A government. She doesn't really know which one or what I do there.

A few months ago I get a call from Gavin's Principal....
I answer in my best business voice with my business greeting.
Principal (laughing): Ohhhhhhh!!! That's where you work! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: Errrr
Principal: I asked Gavin where you work and he said you work at "Staff' and you make fudge! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! AAAAAAAAAny-who I'm calling because your son said he's gonna use a knife on this other kid...

GAAAD!!!!


Does NO-ONE know what I DO?

Me: Mark, do you know what I do at work?
Mark: Um, something about budgets.

Close enough.

Bad Words

I remember when I was 6 and I learned the "F" word...the REAL "F" word. And also the middle finger. My Dad was yelling at me for something, who knows, anyway he turned his back and in my fury I lifted my middle finger and whispered "fuck off" just as he turned around. I had no idea what any of it meant but I knew it was bad. VERY VERY BAD! I saw my entire 6 years flash before my eyes. I wondered if it was going to hurt. Because I was certain that I was about to be killed. Dad just looked surprised, bit his lip a little and walked away quickly, shoulders shuddering. I now know that he was trying very hard not to laugh and this happens to me now on a regular basis.

I am starting to think that it's a universal thing that being 6 years old is all about discovering bad words. Gavin never knew or cared about bad words when he was 5, but it seems like everything is about bad words these days.

Gavin: Mom, Carter said a bad word at daycare. The "B" word!
Me: Oh yeah? And what's the "B" word?
Gavin: Will I get in trouble if I say it?
Me: No not if you're just telling me
Gavin: Ok.....he said (loud whisper) BALLS!


Gavin playing Minecraft: Oh my God! Holy crap! Holy crap!
Me: GAVIN MARK KELLY!

Where did he even learn that? I don't say crap.

The funny thing is he doesn't even really know what words are bad. Like he has it all wrong.

Overheard talking to a group of girls he was trying to impress:
Gavin: There are 3 really REALLY bad words. There's the "S" word, and the "C" word, and then the baddest is the "F" word

I know what you're thinking. Just wait for it...

Me: Gavin...come over here and let's have a chat
Gavin: Uh oh
Me: I heard you talking about bad words with the girls. I want you to tell me what those words are please
Gavin (clearly knows he's in deep "S" word): Ok Mom. Umm...the "S" word is "stupid"
Me: Mmm-hmmmm....
Gavin: The "C" word is "shit" (Gavin is in French immersion. the "Sh" sound in French is spelled "Ch")
Me: Go on...what's the "F" word?
Gavin (looks at the floor): It's frig....but Carter says it wrong. He calls it "fuck"

I can't even....

Free dick pics?!!!

So y'all know Zoe, right? My little sister who used to be a BBW and who is now lean and mean? In case you DON'T know about this, here:

Yeah. For reals, yo. That happened.

So anyhow, Zoe, as you might imagine, gets a LOT of attention on Facebook etc. Some people send her notes to tell her what an inspiration she is and others send her marriage proposals....and everything in between.

Me: Oh my God Mark! Zoe said that she has guys sending her pictures of their privates, like ALL THE TIME!
Mark: Free dick pics?!!! Yesssssss!!!!!!

Zoe has recently started taking screen shots of the bizarre things men say to her and it's HILARIOUS! She shares these on her Twitter and Facebook as "Douchebag of the Day". You might wanna follow along because it's super funny!...and sad. Like, what do these guys think is gonna happen? Because they clearly think something is gonna happen.

So, let me ask you this, Internet...what is the appropriate response when someone sends you a dick pic? Like, what's the etiquette there? I have zero experience with this. Alas, no one has ever sent me a photo of their genitals ever. Is it me? Should I be offended? I dunno. Seems unfair that she gets so many and I get none. Just sayin is all.

Zoe: Don't you HATE it when random guys send you obscene texts or like, try to flirt with you at the grocery store?
Me: Oh yeah, totally...wait...what are we talking about? Oh yeah, no. That doesn't happen to me.

Maybe I should work out....


Anyway, check Zoe out here:
Zoe

Do not accept drinks from this kid!

WARNING!!! DO NOT ACCEPT DRINKS FROM THIS KID!!!

Picked up the kids from daycare.

Me: What's in the jar?
Gavin: It's beer...well, like I made it with ingredients
Me: What's in it?
Gavin: Water, soap, red food colouring stuff and booger-spit. I'm gonna make someone drink it for a joke!

Oh my God.

Me: GAVIN!!!!
Gavin: Wha? It'll be funny!
Me: Oh no honey you can't let someone drink your spit. That's disgusting.
Gavin: Yeah dat's why it's funny
Me: Hmmmm...yeah it's still a no honey
Gavin: AwwwWWWWW!!! 



Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should anyone, anywhere, EVER accept a drink from this kid. Look at him! Innocent, right? Cute, ain't he? I'm sure without this warning you'd be all: Awww...Aren't you the cutest thing? And you made that special for me? *GULP* BLEAAAGH!!!!! 

Do not be fooled. This kid is all about joking you up, and he's creative for sure, but doesn't quite know where the line is yet. Wanna know what was in his "beer" the next day?

(as told to me by one of the daycare teachers)
Gavin: Here can you put some food colouring in dis fer me?
Daycare teacher: Sure Gavin...uhhh...why is this warm?

Yeah, and that's not yellow food colouring either.

Look, my kid is not out to give you a disease, he's just thinking maximum grossness = maximum hilarity( and he's not totally wrong if you think about it) but I gotta find a way to make him understand that it's funnier to get someone to drink vinegar or salt water than, well, you know....

In the meantime:
DO NOT ACCEPT DRINKS FROM THIS KID!

Pride Week

Gavin: I want to marry Carter
Me: You can't marry Carter buddy
Gavin: Why not? Cuz we're boys?
Me: Haha! No, because he's your cousin. He's already in your family. When you marry someone it's because you love them so much you want them to be your family.
Gavin: Ohhhhhhh....so boys can marry wiv boys?
Me: Yes.
Gavin: And girls can marry wiv girls?
Me: Yes.
Gavin: What if I want to marry a girl though? Do I HAFTA marry a boy?
Me: You marry whoever you love kiddo. Boy, girl...doesn't matter if you love them

And there you have it. Folks it's that simple. I know you were expecting something funny but I thought instead, just this one time, I'd say something serious. It's Pride Week in PEI and I have some people that I love very much who struggled with letting the world know who they are. But they did it. And I'm so, SO proud of them. Love isn't supposed to be complicated. You just love who you love, you know? You just are who you are. So just BE who you are and be proud. And that's it.

Hashtag Toronto

Toronto.Was. AWESOME! Today,the Monday after...not so much. I cannot recall being this tired ever, except maybe for the first 48 hours of motherhood. I'm sure you're all wondering all about my trip, so here's a run-down.

WARNING: We said "hastag" a lot and so I'm going to continue that trend in this post. Annoying, I know. #dealwithit

 #Kristin
 We got this condo on King West and the girl who apparently lives there is called Kristin. Kristin needs a maid. Or at least some paper towels and spray cleaner. She didn't make a lot of effort to clean the place up for us and we left it cleaner than we got it. She also seemed very under-prepared for guests. Like, it looked like she had cleared out in a hurry. She left a lot of stuff behind. Personal stuff....I know what you're all thinking and yes. OF COURSE we looked through all her drawers and closets! She has some funky face cream that has snails as the main ingredient. She has mink fake eyelashes. She's a size 00 and we wear the same shoe size. WHAT!? Do NOT look at me like that.You would do it too and you know it.

What Kristin does NOT have is facecloths, extra blankets or an iron....or a cleaning lady.

 #haveanotherdrink #toomuchwine #toooldforthis #hardcore
The people we were with know how to have a good time! I had way too much alcohol and FAR too little sleep this weekend. I am generally a lightweight when it comes to booze and I'm an early to bed kind of girl. I feel like I was awake and half lit the whole time and I am paying for it today. I can literally feel the bags under my eyes.

I went into my favorite cafe this morning. I usually get a kale juice. The owner took one look at me and laughed.
Owner: Latte?
Me: Please
Owner: One shot or two?
Me: (GLARE)
Owner: Three it is

The people we were with are all younger than me and don't have any kids. I can't compete with that. I am a 38 year old soccer mom. I'm so old and past it that I don't even long for those days anymore. I long for my bath and my bed and my Coronation Street. God I'm lame!

#highlightofthetrip #idplease #38
Without a doubt the highlight of my trip was getting carded at a bar. Me. Like, for reals. And I don't think he was nudging his buddies saying "watch me mess with this desperate old has-been!" He seemed genuinely surprised when he looked at my ID. Must be all the fresh salt air in PEI. Good for the skin you know.

#shopping #nothingfit me
Ugh....Shopping...my nemesis. I love/hate shopping. To clarify: I love clothes and I love having new clothes. What I hate is the process of looking through racks of crap to find a few potentials, then trying on all my finds only to have NOTHING fit me. Anyway, we shopped. And shopped. AND SHOPPED. I bought literally nothing. Ok well not LITERALLY, literally. But not much. At least I'm still solvent and my kids don't have to eat KD for the next month. So, you know, every cloud.

#ArtBattle #jkfanclub #peirepresent #jefflikestoart
Those are all real hashtages and you should check them out on Twitter. There are pictures and everything.

So Art Battle is the reason we went to T-dot on the first place. My brother in law Jeff competed int he national Art Battle finals, representing PEI. He did amazing. I don't think he had high expectations for himself becuase he had checked out the other artists and they are all fantastic, but Jeff can hold his own in that crowd, and he BROUGHT IT! I was so stressed out the whole time but it was so much fun. In the end Jeff didn't take home the trophy but who cares. It was a great time, he did an incredible job and people loved his work.

#eaglesview
 Art is funny, isn't it? And arsty people are funny. I can say that because I grew up with this (you all remember my mom, right?). Sometimes art people can get really pretentious about the work and get so deep in their "interprestations" that it gets really silly.Like, they're looking for meaning that isn't there. Sometimes a painting of a tree is just a tree, you know? So Jeff's first round painting was a woman's face, side profile. Some people were examining it between rounds, squinting at it, rubbing their chins, nodding....as arty people do when they are taking in a new peice.

Overheard:
Arty person 1: So what is the name?
Arty person 2: The sign says Jeff Kelly
Arty person 1: Oh yes. That's the artist. But what's the title of the painting?
Arty person 3: I heard someone say it's called Eagle's View. If you look closely you can find an eagle hidden in the painting 
Arty persons 1 and 2:(stroking chins and nodding)Ohhhhh!!! Mmmmm-Hmmmm!!!

#Battleofthebutts
Something really interesting happened at Art Battle. It was held in the Maple Leaf Center rink, which is huge. Jeff and the winning artist were on opposite sides of the rink, backs to each other, and they painted THE SAME THING! Different style, but exactly the same thing. A woman's bum. A big, juicy bum. Same pose and everything. And people were going back and forth between the two like crazy trying to decide which one they liked best. It was NUTS! I loved it.

#inanutshell So in a nutshell.... Lots of wine, not enough sleep. Kristin needs to get a maid and stop putting snails on her face (EW!). I still need to find a pencil skirt in my size and may have to order the MK sandals online if I can find them. Art Battle was excellent...glad I went!
#andwecan'tstop #andwewon'tstop