Mom VS Technology

Mom: Ummmm.....I think I may have broken your TV
Me: What? What do you mean you BROKE it?
Mom: Well it's off now and I can't get it working again.
Me: Well, what did you do?
Mom: I pushed the big silver button on the remote and it went black and now I can't turn it on again.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And for those of you who don't know, we have a "dummy" remote...it literally has a button that says "watch TV" next to it.

But this kind of thing is pretty typical of my mother. She actually has a black and white TV. And she gets out of her chair to change the channel. Mom doesn't like technology. She's about 30 years behind the rest of us in this regard. Maybe more. Like, for example, she has an aswering machine. Not voice mail. An external machine that records messages. She doesn't trust voice mail.

Mom: I'd love to get a typewriter
Me: What?!
Mom: Yeah, an old fashioned one. Not a modern electric one
Me: WHAT!!?! What for?
Mom: For writing
Me: Writing what, Mom? What the hell are you writing that warrants a typewriter?
Mom: Oh, anything. Poems.
Me: Aw Jeez...
Mom: Yeah, I think it would be neat to type stuff out
Me: You know, they have this neat little device now called a computer
Mom: Oh I don't want one of those
Me: No. Of course not. You would rather hammer out a poem on an old manual typewriter. You can't even type! Good grief!

See, Mom thinks there is some kind of romance attached to old things or doing things the old (AKA slow, inefficient, unneccessary) way. She likes to drag things out and hates to learn anything new. Like I've said before, she still thinks it's 1974 and she'd like to preserve that illusion as long as possible. I suppose a typewriter would not have been a wierd thing to own in 1974. Or an answering machine.

But then, on the other hand, Mom is kind of fascinated with technology. She's amazed by it, like someone who has been living without contact with modern society for her whole life. Imagine plucking someone out of the jungles of Guinea and showing them an iPod. Same reaction.

Mom (picking up my cordless house phone, eyes wide): Ohhhhhhhh!!!! Is this a Blackberry?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Zoe recently got one of those new fancy schmancy cameras with all the bells and whistles and gave her old digital camera to Mom. This thing is about 5 years old and it was a cheapy to start with, so to you and I this is nothing special. But to Mom, she has stepped into the space age. She has never ever owned or used a camera that doesn't use film. I can't adequately describe how funny it is for her to take a picture with it, but I'll try....

Mom gets out the camera and outs on one of her multiple pairs of glasses. It takes her about 30 seconds to find the "on" switch. That doesn't shound like a long time but just take a moment to count that out and you'll see. Then when the lens pops out her eyes get wide like she's amazed that's happening and she's wondering if maybe there's a little man inside that pushes it out. Then she lines up her shot. She selects the appropriate glasses form the pile on her head, holds up the camera and frowns at the screen. She lifts her finger to hit the button to take the picture and stops.

Mom (muttering to herself): Why is this....hmmmm....how do I?....ummmmm.....

I go over to help.
Me: Mom, you have it on the setting to view your pictures. here. Slide this thing up to the top...there.

Back to lining up the shot. Finger up to hit the button. ZZRRRMMMM...that's the sound of the lens going back into the camera because she hit the on-off button instead of the the shutter.

Mom: Did I get it?
Me: Yes. Now can we PLEASE stop smiling and blow out the goddam candles?

SIGH. Other people's mothers are on Facebook, doing online dating, using computers at work, taking digital pictures and uploading them to the Internet, listening to music on iPods....not my mother. She's two-finger typing out her poetry on an old manual typewriter, using a 25 year old dictionary and thesarus for reference....by candle light.

Gordon

Gavin and Mark went for a little walk yesterday evening. When they got home, Gavin introduced me to his new friend, a little caterpillar he had found on the road. He had it in his little bug house which is basically a screened box with a handle.

Gavin: Look Mom! I got a cata-uh-cat-cat-er-pil-LER!

Me: Ooooooohhhh! Look at that!

Gavin: He was on da woad and I didn’t want him to get run over by a car.

Me: Oh, very good…

Gavin: And we have gween fings in dere for him! (shows me the leaves and grass they gave it to eat)

Mark: What are you gonna name him?

Gavin: Uhhhhh….nofing. He’s just a caterpillar.

Mark: He’s gotta have a name. You can name him anything you want!

Gavin: Ummmmmmmmmm

Mark: How about Casey? Casey the caterpillar?

Gavin: Yeah, yeah. Uh, Casey. Ok!

So we take “Casey” and find him a safe spot on Gavin’s bookshelf to wait for Gavin to get ready for bed. Gavin getting ready for bed:

Gavin: Mom, I don’t want to call my caterpillar Casey any more

Me: Oh, ok. What should his name be?

Gavin (very decisively): Gordon.

Me: Gordon?

Gavin: Yeah. Gordon. Dat’s a good name!

Me: It sure is!

Gavin: Can Gordon have a sleepover at my house?

Me: Sure he can. But we should ask his Mommy. One sec.

I leave the room to get a phone and quickly fill Mark in on our discussion. I go back to Gavin with the phone and dial “Gordon’s Mommy”.

Ring ring!

Gordon’s Mommy (in a high falsetto voice): Hello?

Me: Hello. This is Gavin’s Mommy. Is this Gordon’s Mommy?

Gordon’s Mommy: Yes. This is Gordon Caterpillar’s Mommy..

Me: Gavin found Gordon on the road and he picked him up and took him to our house because he didn’t want Gordon to get hurt. Is it ok if Gordon sleeps over?

Gordon’s Mommy: Yes, that would be fine. Just make sure he has lots of green things to eat. And thanks you Gavin for keeping my Gordon safe and sound.

Gavin: You’re welcome!.....ummmm….are you a caterpillar?

Gordon’s Mommy: Yes, I’m a caterpillar just like Gordon.

Gavin: Ok. Bye!

So Gavin finishes getting ready for bed and we’re checking on Gordon to make sure he’s all settled for bed. He is on the side of the bug house, on the screen. He’s just hangin out there doing nothing. Gavin pokes him. HARD. REPEATEDLY!

Gavin: Gordon! Are you sleeping? Mom, I want Gordon to eat his gwass.

Me: Oh no no Gavin! You have to be very gentle with caterpillars! They’re very little and you’re very big!

Gavin: OK. Night night Gordon.

Fast forward to this morning. I go wake up Gavin.

Me: Hey let’s check on Gordon!

Gavin jumps out of bed.

We go look. There are now 2 Gordons. Or, more specifically, poor old Gordon is now in 2 pieces. Guess Gavin poked him a little too hard.

Gavin: Why does Gordon have 2 pieces now?

Uh oh.

Gavin: Mom, why? I want him to be one. Why is he 2?

Me: uhhhhhhh

Gavin: Can you make him be one?

Me: Errrr….well, remember when you poked him last night? Well you were a little too rough and you hurt him a little bit. He’ll be ok, but he needs to go home to his Mommy soon.

Gavin: But I don’t want him go home

Me: But caterpillars don’t live in houses, they live outside in the grass.

Gavin (sadly): ok Mom.

Me: But you know what, there are lots of other caterpillars for you to find and maybe we can look for another one later and have another sleepover!

Gavin: Yeah yeah! That would be good! But his name will not be Gordon.

LOL! I love this kid!

Are you joking me?

I love this stage…Gavin is just learning about jokes and he’s got quite a sense of humour.  But he doesn’t always know when someone is messing with him…

Breakfast time.

Me: Hey Gavin, want some of Summer’s banoonoo

Gavin: Banana?

Me: No we’re out of bananas. We only have banoonoos. Want some?

Gavin (frowns): Dat’s a ba-NA-NA

Me (looking at the banana in my hand): No hon it’s a ba –NOO-NOO

Gavin (thinking I might be joking): Noooooo! Moooooom! Dat’s a ba-NA-NA!

Me: Whatever. If you don’t want any Summer will eat it. Here Summer, have some more banoonoo

Gavin: Moooom! But dat’s nota  ba-noo-noo it’s a ba-NA-NUH!!!

Me: No Gavin. It’s a banoonoo. We’re out of bananas. Do you want some or not?

Gavin (thinking): What does it taste like?

Me: Taste it

Gavin tastes a slice: MOM! Dat’s a BAH-NAH-NUH!!!

Mark enters the room.

Gavin: Daddy is did a banana or a banoonoo?

Mark (not skipping a beat): A banoonoo. Why?

Tee hee!

The next day…breakfast time:

Me: Ok Gavin what do you want for breakfast

Gavin (from under the blankets): Sugar toast (NOTE: before anyone gets all up in arms thinking I give my kid sugar toast for breakfast, it’s actually just plain old buttered toast that he THINKS has sugar on it)

Me: Booger toast?

Gavin: No, sugar toast

Me: Okey dokey. Booger toast it is. You want me to use Summer’s boogers? She has too many anyway.

Gavin: Mom! Noooo! Not BOOGER toast! SUGAR toast!

Me: Yeah that’s what I said. Booger toast.

Gavin: SUGAR TOAST!

Me: Booger toast

Gavin (frowning and smiling at the same time): Are you joking me?

I love that he’s not really sure!

Gavin really needs to get over his shyness

I took Gavin to the grocery store this morning. We're in the checkout, Gavin is clutching his Smarties, I'm unloading the cart, and this older couple get in line behind us. Gavin turns to them:

Gavin (holding out his Smarties): Mom is getting me some Smarties
Old guy: Oh? Were you being good?
Gavin: No. Mom says she's disappointed
Old guy (laughing): Oh really?
Gavin: My friend Jay is coming over after nap to play.
Old guy: Oh? What will you play?
Gavin: Cars
Old guy: What else?
Gavin: Trucks:
Old guy: Oh? You like cars and trucks?
Gavin: Yeah. Dey're pretty cool. And we will play MON-STER CHASE!!!!
Old guy (really laughing at this): Oh yeah? What's that? Is that a game?
Gavin: Yeah! You get a room who is dark and you go up to da room and look in to see if there is any monsters and den you say MONSTER! and den you run away!

Pretty much everyone within earshot is laughing now.

Gavin: Do you play monster chase at your house?
Old guy: No.
Gavin (frowning and serious): Do you not have any fwiends to play with?
Old guy: Nope, just me and the wife and the cat.
Gavin: My cat is name Caillou. He will bite you if you don't stop teasing him.
Old guy: HAHAHA! Do you tease him a lot?
Gavin (totally ignoring this question): Mom says I can have my smarties after my lunch. Daddy is going to make me a peanut budder and jam sammich.
Old guy: Oh! Lucky you.
Gavin: What are you having for lunch?
Old guy: I don't know yet.
Gavin: YAWN! I'm tired!
Old guy: Maybe you should have a nap after your lunch.
Gavin: No....I don't wan have a nap. I wan watch Max and Ruby.
Old guy: Ahh...
Gavin (to the checkout lady): Dese are my smarties. Can I buy dem now?
Checkout lady: Sure (scans them) Here you go!
Gavin: Am I 'llowed to eat dem now?
Me: No. After lunch.
Gavin (frowning): But I eddy-weddy (translation: already) buyed dem!

I pay for the groceries and get ready to head out.

Gavin (to the old guy): See ya later!

Too bad he's so shy!

Oh, Barrack? Oh yeah, he and I go way back...

This is the follow up conversation I had with my mother about Summer's rash.

Me: So it's not radiation poisoning.
Mom: Oh?
Me: Yeah the doctor said severe eczema and possible milk allergy.
Mom: And which physician did you see?

NOTE: Even over the phone, you can kinda "see" my mom. You can tell by her tone what her body language is, and anyone who knows her knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about. During this particular conversation, she had on her "professor" tone, where she uses as many unneccessary big words as possible, over-enunciates everything, and you can tell she literally has her head tilted back slightly with her nose in the air. One of her 5 pairs of glasses are perched on the tip of her nose. She is sitting very straight on the edge of the couch, knees together. Yes, I can tell all of this from her tone. Zoe, you know I'm right!

Me: uhhhh...Dr. DeMarsh
Mom: Oh John!

NOTE #2: Mom LOVES to use first names. And she has unusual rules for "knowing" someone. Like, to me "knowing" someone means you know more than their name. To her, all that is required is a name. That's it. Basically she has to have heard of you. And this goes double for professionals like doctors or celebrities/ semi-celebrities. So I could say something like " So did you catch Obama on TV last night talking about Libya?" and she would be like "Oh Barrack?" As if "Oh heck! I just got off the phone with my good buddy Barrack. He was telling me all about that crazy Moammar...man what a nutcase. Just like in the old days when we all used to pal around." So anyway.....

Me: Uh, I guess....
Mom: Oh yeah! John knows you're my daughter you know.
Me: Er....well, he didn't say anything...
Mom: Oh he knows ALL about you girls (crazy eyes)

NOTE #3: Crazy eyes....my mom sometimes pauses for dramatic effect when she says something she thinks is significant or profound and during this pause she usually employs "crazy eyes" for added drama. It's a bit tough to describe...hell it's tough to DO! But it's kinda like a really intense stare where her eyes kind of get bigger for a second, then smaller, the bigger again. Often accompanied by a slightly manic grin or a knowing nod and a half whispered "Yahp", depending on the situation.

Me: Uh....ok then....
Mom: YAHP!!
Me: ........... ANYWAY.......So he prescribed some cream for the rash and said to put Summer on soy formula for a bit and then go back to regular formula and see what happens, and then we'll know if she's allergic to milk.
Mom: Yes. Yes. (like this is EXCACTLY what she herself would suggest and she concurs with the physician..LOL!)
Me: And he said to put sunflower oil on her before her bath to protect her skin from drying out
Mom: Oh yes. Yes, sunflower oil is wonderful. Very viscous. Very light fragrance. Full of nutrients. (Thank you Professor)
Me: Ummm.....sure. It's good stuff, I'm sure. So anyhow she's having her 9 month checkup next week anyway so we'll mention this all to her regular doctor and see what she has to say.
Mom (in full on professor mode): Oh yes (crazy eyes). I ALWAYS have the clinic forward my records to my primary healthcare provider. You know, Barb.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Exceptional!

The craziest thing said to me today

Man, today was an exceptional day for people saying wacky things. Apparently chickens have earlobes, in case you didn't know, AND the colour of the earlobes indicates what colour eggs they lay. Strange but true. As as funny as THAT whole conversation was, here is the hands-down craziest thing that was said to me all day (In case you can't tell, this is leading into a "Mom" story...)

Me: Yeah Summer still has that rash.
Mom: The same one from a couple of weeks ago?
Me: Yeah. But it's more red and raw now and it seems to be different than it was.
Mom: what do you mean?
Me: Well it almost looks like burns in some places. I'm going to have to take her back to the doctor.
Mom (in a very vague, faraway tone): Remember when Tiff had that rash?
Me: Er.....no....what rash?
Mom: When she was a baby
Me: Mom, she's 18 months younger than me. If she was a baby, I was a baby. Just a bigger one
Mom: ...........
Me: SIGH and eyeroll. No Mom. Of course I don't remember a rash Tiff had when we were BABIES.
Mom: Oh!........Well anyway she had this rash for like a year and we couldn't expose her to sunlight or anything.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yeah. It was a reaction to the barium. It's radioactive you know.

Now I will pause here to explain to you who don't know my mom that she thinks everyone was present for every moment of her life and that we all know exactly what she's talking about all the time.

Me: Barium?
Mom: Yeah. For the X-rays.
Me: What?

Coles notes version of this part: When Tiff was a baby she had to have an operation on a part of her stomach.

Me: Well Summer isn't taking barium Mom.
Mom: Well can you think of anything else radioactive she's been exposed to recently?
Me: Are you serious?
Mom: Well....
Me: Radioactive? No Mom. Not recently. Not since our visit to the uranium mine last month (this followed by a MEGA eye roll) Jesus Christ.
Mom (all whispy and faraway again): Well........just a thought.......

And there you have it. The craziest thing said to me all day. And there's a LOT more where that came from.

Radioactive....Good grief!!!!

Whence I get big I can use da tove?

Gavin is fascinated by the stove. Sometimes it's hot, sometimes it's not hot. You can put things on it, you can put things in it. And most important...the thing that makes it truly mystical....only a grownup can work with the stove.

Me: Gavin, what will you be when you grow up?
Gavin: Whence I get big I will be 'lowed to work wiv da tove!

NOT I want to be a fireman.
NOT I want to be a policeman.
NOT I want to drive a race car.
...or any of the things you might think Gavin Kelly might like to do for a living. No, he wants to work with the stove. Because that will mean he is a man.

This morning as I was getting the kids ready for the day, I put Gavin's clothes on the (cool) stovetop to free up my hands to put Summer in her highchair.

Gavin (frowning and very serious): Mom! You can't put my pants on da tove! Dey will burn!
This gives me an idea...
I grab a frying pan, toss Gavin's pants in and start stirring them around witha  big spoon.
Gavin looks on in amazement, not reall sure if I'm kidding or if I'm really cooking up his pants. I pretend to add salt. Gavin frowns hard. I pretend to add pepper. Gavin giggles nervously, again not sure if this is for real. I get out a plate, slide the pants onto the plate and hand the plate to Gavin. He just stands there for a couple fo beats and then tentatively puts his hands out to accept the plate.

Gavin (very very serious): Ummm.....
Me: Here ya go kiddo! Fried pants! You want maple syrop on that?
Gavin: Ummmmm......are dey hot?
Me: No, not hot. Just right. Here you go.
Gavin accepts the plate. He stares at it for a second, unsure.
Gavin: Do I eat dem?

I couldn't help it. I laughed. The mind of a three year old, eh? So when I laughed he got that I was kidding and he laughed too. A very "aww....ya got me!" kind of laugh.

Wonder what we'll make on da tove tomorrow.....