Are you joking me?

I love this stage…Gavin is just learning about jokes and he’s got quite a sense of humour.  But he doesn’t always know when someone is messing with him…

Breakfast time.

Me: Hey Gavin, want some of Summer’s banoonoo

Gavin: Banana?

Me: No we’re out of bananas. We only have banoonoos. Want some?

Gavin (frowns): Dat’s a ba-NA-NA

Me (looking at the banana in my hand): No hon it’s a ba –NOO-NOO

Gavin (thinking I might be joking): Noooooo! Moooooom! Dat’s a ba-NA-NA!

Me: Whatever. If you don’t want any Summer will eat it. Here Summer, have some more banoonoo

Gavin: Moooom! But dat’s nota  ba-noo-noo it’s a ba-NA-NUH!!!

Me: No Gavin. It’s a banoonoo. We’re out of bananas. Do you want some or not?

Gavin (thinking): What does it taste like?

Me: Taste it

Gavin tastes a slice: MOM! Dat’s a BAH-NAH-NUH!!!

Mark enters the room.

Gavin: Daddy is did a banana or a banoonoo?

Mark (not skipping a beat): A banoonoo. Why?

Tee hee!

The next day…breakfast time:

Me: Ok Gavin what do you want for breakfast

Gavin (from under the blankets): Sugar toast (NOTE: before anyone gets all up in arms thinking I give my kid sugar toast for breakfast, it’s actually just plain old buttered toast that he THINKS has sugar on it)

Me: Booger toast?

Gavin: No, sugar toast

Me: Okey dokey. Booger toast it is. You want me to use Summer’s boogers? She has too many anyway.

Gavin: Mom! Noooo! Not BOOGER toast! SUGAR toast!

Me: Yeah that’s what I said. Booger toast.

Gavin: SUGAR TOAST!

Me: Booger toast

Gavin (frowning and smiling at the same time): Are you joking me?

I love that he’s not really sure!

Gavin really needs to get over his shyness

I took Gavin to the grocery store this morning. We're in the checkout, Gavin is clutching his Smarties, I'm unloading the cart, and this older couple get in line behind us. Gavin turns to them:

Gavin (holding out his Smarties): Mom is getting me some Smarties
Old guy: Oh? Were you being good?
Gavin: No. Mom says she's disappointed
Old guy (laughing): Oh really?
Gavin: My friend Jay is coming over after nap to play.
Old guy: Oh? What will you play?
Gavin: Cars
Old guy: What else?
Gavin: Trucks:
Old guy: Oh? You like cars and trucks?
Gavin: Yeah. Dey're pretty cool. And we will play MON-STER CHASE!!!!
Old guy (really laughing at this): Oh yeah? What's that? Is that a game?
Gavin: Yeah! You get a room who is dark and you go up to da room and look in to see if there is any monsters and den you say MONSTER! and den you run away!

Pretty much everyone within earshot is laughing now.

Gavin: Do you play monster chase at your house?
Old guy: No.
Gavin (frowning and serious): Do you not have any fwiends to play with?
Old guy: Nope, just me and the wife and the cat.
Gavin: My cat is name Caillou. He will bite you if you don't stop teasing him.
Old guy: HAHAHA! Do you tease him a lot?
Gavin (totally ignoring this question): Mom says I can have my smarties after my lunch. Daddy is going to make me a peanut budder and jam sammich.
Old guy: Oh! Lucky you.
Gavin: What are you having for lunch?
Old guy: I don't know yet.
Gavin: YAWN! I'm tired!
Old guy: Maybe you should have a nap after your lunch.
Gavin: No....I don't wan have a nap. I wan watch Max and Ruby.
Old guy: Ahh...
Gavin (to the checkout lady): Dese are my smarties. Can I buy dem now?
Checkout lady: Sure (scans them) Here you go!
Gavin: Am I 'llowed to eat dem now?
Me: No. After lunch.
Gavin (frowning): But I eddy-weddy (translation: already) buyed dem!

I pay for the groceries and get ready to head out.

Gavin (to the old guy): See ya later!

Too bad he's so shy!

Oh, Barrack? Oh yeah, he and I go way back...

This is the follow up conversation I had with my mother about Summer's rash.

Me: So it's not radiation poisoning.
Mom: Oh?
Me: Yeah the doctor said severe eczema and possible milk allergy.
Mom: And which physician did you see?

NOTE: Even over the phone, you can kinda "see" my mom. You can tell by her tone what her body language is, and anyone who knows her knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about. During this particular conversation, she had on her "professor" tone, where she uses as many unneccessary big words as possible, over-enunciates everything, and you can tell she literally has her head tilted back slightly with her nose in the air. One of her 5 pairs of glasses are perched on the tip of her nose. She is sitting very straight on the edge of the couch, knees together. Yes, I can tell all of this from her tone. Zoe, you know I'm right!

Me: uhhhh...Dr. DeMarsh
Mom: Oh John!

NOTE #2: Mom LOVES to use first names. And she has unusual rules for "knowing" someone. Like, to me "knowing" someone means you know more than their name. To her, all that is required is a name. That's it. Basically she has to have heard of you. And this goes double for professionals like doctors or celebrities/ semi-celebrities. So I could say something like " So did you catch Obama on TV last night talking about Libya?" and she would be like "Oh Barrack?" As if "Oh heck! I just got off the phone with my good buddy Barrack. He was telling me all about that crazy Moammar...man what a nutcase. Just like in the old days when we all used to pal around." So anyway.....

Me: Uh, I guess....
Mom: Oh yeah! John knows you're my daughter you know.
Me: Er....well, he didn't say anything...
Mom: Oh he knows ALL about you girls (crazy eyes)

NOTE #3: Crazy eyes....my mom sometimes pauses for dramatic effect when she says something she thinks is significant or profound and during this pause she usually employs "crazy eyes" for added drama. It's a bit tough to describe...hell it's tough to DO! But it's kinda like a really intense stare where her eyes kind of get bigger for a second, then smaller, the bigger again. Often accompanied by a slightly manic grin or a knowing nod and a half whispered "Yahp", depending on the situation.

Me: Uh....ok then....
Mom: YAHP!!
Me: ........... ANYWAY.......So he prescribed some cream for the rash and said to put Summer on soy formula for a bit and then go back to regular formula and see what happens, and then we'll know if she's allergic to milk.
Mom: Yes. Yes. (like this is EXCACTLY what she herself would suggest and she concurs with the physician..LOL!)
Me: And he said to put sunflower oil on her before her bath to protect her skin from drying out
Mom: Oh yes. Yes, sunflower oil is wonderful. Very viscous. Very light fragrance. Full of nutrients. (Thank you Professor)
Me: Ummm.....sure. It's good stuff, I'm sure. So anyhow she's having her 9 month checkup next week anyway so we'll mention this all to her regular doctor and see what she has to say.
Mom (in full on professor mode): Oh yes (crazy eyes). I ALWAYS have the clinic forward my records to my primary healthcare provider. You know, Barb.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Exceptional!

The craziest thing said to me today

Man, today was an exceptional day for people saying wacky things. Apparently chickens have earlobes, in case you didn't know, AND the colour of the earlobes indicates what colour eggs they lay. Strange but true. As as funny as THAT whole conversation was, here is the hands-down craziest thing that was said to me all day (In case you can't tell, this is leading into a "Mom" story...)

Me: Yeah Summer still has that rash.
Mom: The same one from a couple of weeks ago?
Me: Yeah. But it's more red and raw now and it seems to be different than it was.
Mom: what do you mean?
Me: Well it almost looks like burns in some places. I'm going to have to take her back to the doctor.
Mom (in a very vague, faraway tone): Remember when Tiff had that rash?
Me: Er.....no....what rash?
Mom: When she was a baby
Me: Mom, she's 18 months younger than me. If she was a baby, I was a baby. Just a bigger one
Mom: ...........
Me: SIGH and eyeroll. No Mom. Of course I don't remember a rash Tiff had when we were BABIES.
Mom: Oh!........Well anyway she had this rash for like a year and we couldn't expose her to sunlight or anything.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yeah. It was a reaction to the barium. It's radioactive you know.

Now I will pause here to explain to you who don't know my mom that she thinks everyone was present for every moment of her life and that we all know exactly what she's talking about all the time.

Me: Barium?
Mom: Yeah. For the X-rays.
Me: What?

Coles notes version of this part: When Tiff was a baby she had to have an operation on a part of her stomach.

Me: Well Summer isn't taking barium Mom.
Mom: Well can you think of anything else radioactive she's been exposed to recently?
Me: Are you serious?
Mom: Well....
Me: Radioactive? No Mom. Not recently. Not since our visit to the uranium mine last month (this followed by a MEGA eye roll) Jesus Christ.
Mom (all whispy and faraway again): Well........just a thought.......

And there you have it. The craziest thing said to me all day. And there's a LOT more where that came from.

Radioactive....Good grief!!!!

Whence I get big I can use da tove?

Gavin is fascinated by the stove. Sometimes it's hot, sometimes it's not hot. You can put things on it, you can put things in it. And most important...the thing that makes it truly mystical....only a grownup can work with the stove.

Me: Gavin, what will you be when you grow up?
Gavin: Whence I get big I will be 'lowed to work wiv da tove!

NOT I want to be a fireman.
NOT I want to be a policeman.
NOT I want to drive a race car.
...or any of the things you might think Gavin Kelly might like to do for a living. No, he wants to work with the stove. Because that will mean he is a man.

This morning as I was getting the kids ready for the day, I put Gavin's clothes on the (cool) stovetop to free up my hands to put Summer in her highchair.

Gavin (frowning and very serious): Mom! You can't put my pants on da tove! Dey will burn!
This gives me an idea...
I grab a frying pan, toss Gavin's pants in and start stirring them around witha  big spoon.
Gavin looks on in amazement, not reall sure if I'm kidding or if I'm really cooking up his pants. I pretend to add salt. Gavin frowns hard. I pretend to add pepper. Gavin giggles nervously, again not sure if this is for real. I get out a plate, slide the pants onto the plate and hand the plate to Gavin. He just stands there for a couple fo beats and then tentatively puts his hands out to accept the plate.

Gavin (very very serious): Ummm.....
Me: Here ya go kiddo! Fried pants! You want maple syrop on that?
Gavin: Ummmmm......are dey hot?
Me: No, not hot. Just right. Here you go.
Gavin accepts the plate. He stares at it for a second, unsure.
Gavin: Do I eat dem?

I couldn't help it. I laughed. The mind of a three year old, eh? So when I laughed he got that I was kidding and he laughed too. A very "aww....ya got me!" kind of laugh.

Wonder what we'll make on da tove tomorrow.....

Enough with the poop talk

This morning Summer and I went to wake up Gavin. I opened the curtains signing "Good morning to youuuuu!!!" and then went over to his bed and put Summer on him and said "Git 'im! Git 'im Summer! Poop on his head!" and placed her with her bum on his head. Gavin rolled over with his eyes still closed and said in a sleepy voice "Tasha says enough with the poop talk. You only talk about poop when you need to poop".

Uh.....

Ok, well I guess he has a point. It's a good policy. I myself have complained about the amount we talk about poop, pee, farting (also known in our house as "tooting"), boogers, stinky bums, stinky feet and, well, general stinkiness. It's gross, right? Undignified. Not the kind of thing nice people talk about. But you know what? If I'm totally honest, most of it comes from me.

Starting when my kids were very very tiny...just home from the hospital...I would play "stinky foots". This is where I lay them on their backs with their feet in the air, grab a foot, take a big long sniff and declare loudly "PHEW!!!! What a stinky foot!".

Then there are the songs. There's the one about the marines and the beans (Inky stinky parlez-vous), and then there's the one about the little fly who flew into a store and he...well, did his "business" on the bacon, ham and the head of the little grocer man. TWICE. Come to think of it, I also change the words of songs to make them about my kids being stinky.

Why do I do this? I know it's not a good example for the kids. I do not want them going out into the world calling people poopy-heads or telling their friends they have stinky toe-jam. I'm well educated and I know a lot of words, and I'm also nearly 35 years old. I know better and I have other things I could joke about with the kids. So why do I do it? Shame on Mommy! SHAME!

So listen up, Me....ENOUGH already with the poop talk!



















......but it's really funny! POOP!