Whatthefuck Cake

Get to Eenie's for a family get together.
Mare: Oh my God! Just WAIT til you see what's for dessert!
Me: Why what's for dessert?

I feel no sense of suspense. Eenie's house is like heaven if heaven is a big kitchen filled with home baked sweets, which of COURSE heaven is because it's HEAVEN. Anywho, it's nothing unusual for there to be a delicious sweet treat waiting for us at Eenie's so I'm kinda like yeah ok whatevs.

Mare: it's a Cher-umple!
Me: It's a what?
Mare: Cher-ber-umple
Me: Chrumple?
Mare: Frumple
Me: ok sure

So we visit, we eat (I mentioned this place is heaven right?) and then it's dessert time. Out comes this....this...THING. I shit you not it's about 12 inches tall, round like a cake and covered in cream coloured icing. So some sort of gigantic cake? Yes......and also no. It's more like "cake...S" because it's 3 cakes. But that's not all. It's also pie. Except it's not pie it's "pie....S" because it's 3 pies.

Let me try to explain this to you...

There are 3 layers. Each layer is a different kind of cake. With a PIE baked INSIDE the cake. Just let that sink in. The bottom is white cake with an apple pie inside. The middle is spice cake with a pumpkin pie baked inside. The top is chocolate cake with a cherry pie baked inside. It's like the ter-duck-en of desserts. The whole thing is glued together with cream cheese icing. It looks like this...



I pinch myself. I silently mouth "WHAT THE FUCK!"

Heaven. Eenie's house is heaven.

BIG news!!!!!

Phone call from Mom last night...

Me: Hey
Mom: I (dramatic pause) am calling (dramatic pause) with BIG news! BIG!
Me: You're pregnant
Mom (completely serious...she doesn't "get" sarcasm): Ah..no. No. Ella I'm 60 years old. I...no.
Me: SIGH. I know Mom. I was kidding.
Mom: Oh...errrrrrrr....well anyway I have BIG news! You'll never guess!
Me: No I probably won't so just tell me
(long pause for added suspense during which I tell Gavin to go brush his teeth because I'm barely listening anyway and am pretty certain this news isn't going to be big at all)
Mom: Old blue has gone to the curb! (holds breath waiting for my...my what? Screech of excitement? What the fuck is she even talking about?)
Me: Old who went to the what now?
Mom (still expectant): Old blue! The couch! The blue couch!
Me: The....Ohhhh...ok I know which couch you mean (she's talking about this blue couch that we got when I was I dunno...12?) So you finally threw it out did you?
Mom: YEP!
Me:.................................................................................
Mom:................................................................................
Me:..........................................................AAAAAAND.....
Mom: Well...umm...that's it. We threw it out! After all these years!
Me: So let me run back through this one more time. The "BIG NEWS" is that you threw away an old moldy couch?
Mom: Yeah
Me: And you didn't find, say, diamonds or something cool in the cushions or anything?
Mom (again not "getting" sarcasm): No. Why would there be diamonds in the cushions?
Me: So the whole story is that you have this 25 plus year old couch that is old and saggy and smelly and you threw it away. That's the WHOLE thing?
Mom: Well yeah.
Me: Ohhhhhhh-KAY. Well I'm...err...happy for you? I guess?
Mom: I KNOW! (Wow. She still thinks this is a big deal)
Me: Okey dokey then. I have to put Gavin to bed now so if you don't have any other exciting news...did you put gas in the car today maybe? Or eat berakfast or anything cool like that? No?
Mom (once again, there's that no sarcasm thing): Oh I always eat breakfast Ella.
Me:..............M'kay. Buh bye.

Happy Birthday to me!

So I’m 38 now. Thirty-eight. Ew. Tastes yucky in my mouth when I say it.

So far my birthday has been pretty typical. Yesterday…
Mom: Sooooooooooo
Me: So
Mom: What’s the big plan for Wednesday?
Me: Is something happening on Wednesday?
Mom: Ummm…YEAH, your BIRTHDAY!
Me: My birthday is tomorrow Mom: Err…you sure?
Me: Yes
Mom: No
Me: Well if I’m wrong I should probably correct my driver’s license, passport and birth certificate but hey…you WERE there so…

This from a woman who lost two whole years when she thought she was turning 48 but was turning 50.

Last night…
Me: You know what I want for my birthday you guys? I want everyone to get out of bed with smiles on their faces, eat breakfast with no complaints, get dressed, brush teeth quietly and calmly. That would make all Mom’s dreams come true. Can you do that for me?
Summer: Ok Mom. I will
Gavin: Yeah Mom, we can do that. And we’ll do it like that every day forever ok? That will be your birthday present.

This morning…
Me: DAMMIT GAVIN! Get out of bed! Summer! Stop finger painting with the ketchup and eat your eggs! GAVIN! I said GET UP! Gavin? Are you even…WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING! GET. UP! Summer, just eat them. I’m sorry you don’t like the yellow part of your SCRAMBLED EGGS but that’s just how they are…NO I CANNOT PICK OUT THE YELLOW PARTS! GAVIN! GET OUT OF BED!

On the drive to work, listening to the radio. Birthday announcements come on…
Radio DJ: This one from husband Mark . He says “Like a fine wine” his wife Ella turns another year older. She’s heading to work out in Montague! Happy birthday Ella from your kids Summer , Gavin and your MUCH, MUUUUCH younger husband Mark!
Other DJ: Wait does that mean she’s heading to work drunk?
First DJ: Errr
Second DJ: Well you said about the wine…
First DJ: Oh yeah it’s an expression. Like a fine wine, better with age…AAAAAAnyway Happy birthday to Ella NOT going to work drunk!

I wish I was.
Also, FYI Mark is 10 months younger than me. It’s not even 10am. More birthday to come.

Does anyone in my family even know what I do for a living?

Summer: Do you have a job?
Me: Yeah
Summer: Is dat where you go?
Me: Yeah, I go there while you're at daycare.
Summer: What do you do dere?
Me: I.....well I....ummmmm....

In my head I'm running through the typical spiel I'd give a grownup: Oh me? Oh I'm in labour force development. You know, delivery of programs to empower people to find and retain long term meaningful employment...

Yeah I can't say that to a 4 year old.

Me: Err....I read a lot
Summer: What do you read?
Me: Ummm....well stuff that other people write saying what they think we should do and then I decide if I'm going to say yes or no
Summer: And what else:
Me: Ummmm....well....I write a lot
Summer: what do you write?
Me: Erm...well...mostly my name I guess...
Summer: Oh. So you read stuff and then write your name on it?
Me: Yes. That is pretty much what I do.

Meanwhile....

Mom: How are things?
Me: oh GAWWWWWD! Tough week at work!
Mom: Oh I KNOW, right?
(you guys may recall that my mom works part time, a few months of the year. So yeah...she KNOWS!)
Me: You know...
Mom: Oh yeah...PFFT! Government! Am I right?

Jesus.

I'm not really sure anyone in my family has any idea what do for a living. Least of all Mom. She thinks "government" is like, one thing.

Me: Mom.  SIGH! What do you mean "Government"? What the hell do you know about working for the government?
Mom: Oh you know....gotta hide the money...do another survey...
Me: Survey?!! Wha...? What do you think I do?
Mom: Oh you know. Stats Canada always has some new survey out
Me: Great hairy grief Mom.
Mom: That's just typical of government, you know?
Me: What is? I just said I had a tough week is all...what are you even talking about?
Mom: I'm talking about GOVERNMENT!


Ok well at least she knows I work for A government. She doesn't really know which one or what I do there.

A few months ago I get a call from Gavin's Principal....
I answer in my best business voice with my business greeting.
Principal (laughing): Ohhhhhhh!!! That's where you work! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: Errrr
Principal: I asked Gavin where you work and he said you work at "Staff' and you make fudge! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! AAAAAAAAAny-who I'm calling because your son said he's gonna use a knife on this other kid...

GAAAD!!!!


Does NO-ONE know what I DO?

Me: Mark, do you know what I do at work?
Mark: Um, something about budgets.

Close enough.

Bad Words

I remember when I was 6 and I learned the "F" word...the REAL "F" word. And also the middle finger. My Dad was yelling at me for something, who knows, anyway he turned his back and in my fury I lifted my middle finger and whispered "fuck off" just as he turned around. I had no idea what any of it meant but I knew it was bad. VERY VERY BAD! I saw my entire 6 years flash before my eyes. I wondered if it was going to hurt. Because I was certain that I was about to be killed. Dad just looked surprised, bit his lip a little and walked away quickly, shoulders shuddering. I now know that he was trying very hard not to laugh and this happens to me now on a regular basis.

I am starting to think that it's a universal thing that being 6 years old is all about discovering bad words. Gavin never knew or cared about bad words when he was 5, but it seems like everything is about bad words these days.

Gavin: Mom, Carter said a bad word at daycare. The "B" word!
Me: Oh yeah? And what's the "B" word?
Gavin: Will I get in trouble if I say it?
Me: No not if you're just telling me
Gavin: Ok.....he said (loud whisper) BALLS!


Gavin playing Minecraft: Oh my God! Holy crap! Holy crap!
Me: GAVIN MARK KELLY!

Where did he even learn that? I don't say crap.

The funny thing is he doesn't even really know what words are bad. Like he has it all wrong.

Overheard talking to a group of girls he was trying to impress:
Gavin: There are 3 really REALLY bad words. There's the "S" word, and the "C" word, and then the baddest is the "F" word

I know what you're thinking. Just wait for it...

Me: Gavin...come over here and let's have a chat
Gavin: Uh oh
Me: I heard you talking about bad words with the girls. I want you to tell me what those words are please
Gavin (clearly knows he's in deep "S" word): Ok Mom. Umm...the "S" word is "stupid"
Me: Mmm-hmmmm....
Gavin: The "C" word is "shit" (Gavin is in French immersion. the "Sh" sound in French is spelled "Ch")
Me: Go on...what's the "F" word?
Gavin (looks at the floor): It's frig....but Carter says it wrong. He calls it "fuck"

I can't even....

Free dick pics?!!!

So y'all know Zoe, right? My little sister who used to be a BBW and who is now lean and mean? In case you DON'T know about this, here:

Yeah. For reals, yo. That happened.

So anyhow, Zoe, as you might imagine, gets a LOT of attention on Facebook etc. Some people send her notes to tell her what an inspiration she is and others send her marriage proposals....and everything in between.

Me: Oh my God Mark! Zoe said that she has guys sending her pictures of their privates, like ALL THE TIME!
Mark: Free dick pics?!!! Yesssssss!!!!!!

Zoe has recently started taking screen shots of the bizarre things men say to her and it's HILARIOUS! She shares these on her Twitter and Facebook as "Douchebag of the Day". You might wanna follow along because it's super funny!...and sad. Like, what do these guys think is gonna happen? Because they clearly think something is gonna happen.

So, let me ask you this, Internet...what is the appropriate response when someone sends you a dick pic? Like, what's the etiquette there? I have zero experience with this. Alas, no one has ever sent me a photo of their genitals ever. Is it me? Should I be offended? I dunno. Seems unfair that she gets so many and I get none. Just sayin is all.

Zoe: Don't you HATE it when random guys send you obscene texts or like, try to flirt with you at the grocery store?
Me: Oh yeah, totally...wait...what are we talking about? Oh yeah, no. That doesn't happen to me.

Maybe I should work out....


Anyway, check Zoe out here:
Zoe

Do not accept drinks from this kid!

WARNING!!! DO NOT ACCEPT DRINKS FROM THIS KID!!!

Picked up the kids from daycare.

Me: What's in the jar?
Gavin: It's beer...well, like I made it with ingredients
Me: What's in it?
Gavin: Water, soap, red food colouring stuff and booger-spit. I'm gonna make someone drink it for a joke!

Oh my God.

Me: GAVIN!!!!
Gavin: Wha? It'll be funny!
Me: Oh no honey you can't let someone drink your spit. That's disgusting.
Gavin: Yeah dat's why it's funny
Me: Hmmmm...yeah it's still a no honey
Gavin: AwwwWWWWW!!! 



Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should anyone, anywhere, EVER accept a drink from this kid. Look at him! Innocent, right? Cute, ain't he? I'm sure without this warning you'd be all: Awww...Aren't you the cutest thing? And you made that special for me? *GULP* BLEAAAGH!!!!! 

Do not be fooled. This kid is all about joking you up, and he's creative for sure, but doesn't quite know where the line is yet. Wanna know what was in his "beer" the next day?

(as told to me by one of the daycare teachers)
Gavin: Here can you put some food colouring in dis fer me?
Daycare teacher: Sure Gavin...uhhh...why is this warm?

Yeah, and that's not yellow food colouring either.

Look, my kid is not out to give you a disease, he's just thinking maximum grossness = maximum hilarity( and he's not totally wrong if you think about it) but I gotta find a way to make him understand that it's funnier to get someone to drink vinegar or salt water than, well, you know....

In the meantime:
DO NOT ACCEPT DRINKS FROM THIS KID!