Classic Mom-poker move: "I'm calling Santa!"
You know this one. I didn't invent it and neither did your mother. It's an oldie and a goodie. It's usually valid November 1 - December 24 and can almost guarantee 6 - 8 weeks of clean plates and clean rooms....but not in MY house.
I pulled out the old "i'm calling Santa" card last night in an effort to get Gavin to put on his pajamas. I don't know what went wrong. Maybe I have a "tell"...you know, a little eye-twitch, a tone of voice...something that lets your opponent know you've got nothin'...anyway, he called me out and threw down a killer hand: "I don't want any presents anyway. I have enough toys."
Fuck.
So of course, he raised me and I've got nothing but I bet a lot of my chips on that last one so what am I gonna do? I go all in. I pick up the phone. I dial Mark's cell (he's driving his mother to Eenie's...you remember Eenie's, right/ HEAVEN!)
Mark: Hullo?
Me: Hi...SANTA.
Mark: Wha? Oh for frig sakes Ella
Me: What's that? Oh you've been watching?
Mark: What's he doing?
Me: Yes that's right. Won't put on his pajamas and being rude to Mom.
Mark: SIGH
Me: Yes, yes Santa I tried a time out but he's still being pretty rude
Mark: Whatever. Bye.
Me: Oh, ok. I'll tell him. Bye SANTA!
Gavin (head cocked, looking at me like I'm a total idiot): Look Mom. I believe in Santa and everything, but I don;t believe that you called him.
This is the equivalent of a call.
Me (not ready to fold): Wha! But! Yeah well then who did I just speak to then?
Gavin (NOT having any of my BS): I dunno. Dad maybe. Zoe. Maybe nobody. I just know you didn't call Santa
Fuck.
Me: yeah well believe what you want. Santa still sees your behaviour and I'm sure he doesn't like it.
Gavin: Don't care.
Me: you better be careful what you say Bud. Santa will think you mean it.
Gavin: I DO mean it. Look (raises face to the ceiling and speaks loudly) Santa, I DO. NOT. WANT. ANY. PRESENTS. I have enough stuff. I mean it!
Fuck.
Well, that's ok though. He'll sleep it off and in the morning he'll be all like oh no I didn't mean it I want lots of presents!
This morning:
Me: Hey sweetie. Don;t worry. Santa knows you were just mad last night and that you don;t really mean what you said.
Gavin: Oh no I totally mean it. I mean, I can't think of anything I actually want this year.
Me: But...!
Gavin: Mom, I do want stuff, but just not bad enough to have to behave all the time, ok?
Fuck.
Did I mention I hate Christmas?
Wednesday 19 November 2014
Friday 14 November 2014
It's beginning to look a lot like...THE MIDDLE OF NOVEMBER!
WARNING: Grinch Rant!
It is November 14 and it's our first real snow of the season. And it's a pretty good one...big fluffy flakes, just enough for a mini snowman (see below). Perfect day for a fireplace and some hot chocolate. But you people just HAVE to take it one step further and start raving on about Christmas. Ew.
I have sort of a love-hate relationship with Christmas. Mostly hate. Of course I like pretty lights and Santa and food and family, but I DON'T like TWO FRIGGIN' MONTHS of it! Christmas is, like, 6 weeks away. That's FOREVER! It is too early for decking the halls. How do you people not just get sick of it? If I put out my decorations and pull out the Michael Buble and Harry Connick Jr. NOW, by the 8th of December I will be OVER IT!
You know what I really hate about Christmas? The obligations. I hate feeling like you HAVE to go to every party, buy cheap gifts for people you don't really want to give gifts to, receive cheap gifts from people who don't really want to give you a gift. I hate shopping. I hate the feeling of just being too hot, too rushed, too crowded and too overwhelmed at the mall. I hate the non-stop baking.
Wow. I'm pretty grinchy about the whole thing aren't I?
Yeah there are things I like....even love...about Christmas. New pajamas. Food. Kids letters to Santa. Food. Seeing the kids' faces Christmas morning. FOOD.
I just wish we cut cut all the crap, you know? In my world Christmas season starts no earlier than December 15 and the tree is down on New Year's Day at the latest. ONLY children would get presents and even then it would be just a stocking and ONE pretty cool toy from Santa and THAT'S IT! And we would just stuff our faces the whole time...wait we already do that. Let's keep that part. And candy canes. Candy canes are sacred.
ALSO...please do not remind me to say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings. YOU FRIGGIN WELL KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
It is November 14 and it's our first real snow of the season. And it's a pretty good one...big fluffy flakes, just enough for a mini snowman (see below). Perfect day for a fireplace and some hot chocolate. But you people just HAVE to take it one step further and start raving on about Christmas. Ew.
I have sort of a love-hate relationship with Christmas. Mostly hate. Of course I like pretty lights and Santa and food and family, but I DON'T like TWO FRIGGIN' MONTHS of it! Christmas is, like, 6 weeks away. That's FOREVER! It is too early for decking the halls. How do you people not just get sick of it? If I put out my decorations and pull out the Michael Buble and Harry Connick Jr. NOW, by the 8th of December I will be OVER IT!
You know what I really hate about Christmas? The obligations. I hate feeling like you HAVE to go to every party, buy cheap gifts for people you don't really want to give gifts to, receive cheap gifts from people who don't really want to give you a gift. I hate shopping. I hate the feeling of just being too hot, too rushed, too crowded and too overwhelmed at the mall. I hate the non-stop baking.
Wow. I'm pretty grinchy about the whole thing aren't I?
Yeah there are things I like....even love...about Christmas. New pajamas. Food. Kids letters to Santa. Food. Seeing the kids' faces Christmas morning. FOOD.
I just wish we cut cut all the crap, you know? In my world Christmas season starts no earlier than December 15 and the tree is down on New Year's Day at the latest. ONLY children would get presents and even then it would be just a stocking and ONE pretty cool toy from Santa and THAT'S IT! And we would just stuff our faces the whole time...wait we already do that. Let's keep that part. And candy canes. Candy canes are sacred.
ALSO...please do not remind me to say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings. YOU FRIGGIN WELL KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Wednesday 5 November 2014
Mountains and Molehills
You guys, I generally try to stay away from controversy. I'm a VERY opinionated person, but I don't want to shove my opinions down other people's throats. But every now and then something pops up and I get the itch. And it itches and itches and ITCHES til I HAVE TO say something....
One of my general pet peeves in life is when people get their perspective all out of alignment; when people make mountains out of molehills. Overreaction drives me crazy...so here I go. Commencing rant now:
Some parents at my kid's school are losing their shit because not all the kids will be doing a Christmas concert. Some kids will be doing Christmas and some will do a concert in the Spring. Everybody gets a concert. Now, I get it. Christmas is a super hairy big deal to some people.
SIDEBAR RANT: One parent mentioned that we are a Christian society. Please note that this is CANADA and in this community in particular we have many cultures and faiths. It is not accurate to say that Christmas is important to every family around here and it's ignorant to suggest that it is, or that because Christianity is predominant here that WE are a Christian society. Yeah I said it. IGNORANT. I don't care if you read it. You IG'NANT, Yuh HEAR?!
ANYWHO.....
You would think that this was an actual serious issue. People are suggesting that the new principal is out to shut down fun altogether. People are using words like DEVASTATED and OUTRAGED to describe their feelings. They are upset that they were not consulted. That the decision was not communicated earlier. That this is tradition and Christmas is essentially ruined. There is an online poll about this. Talk of a petition. Phone calls to the school. E-mails. Letters.
For contrast I would like to point out that our local news ran a story last month about falling test scores in Island schools. A link to the scores was posted online. I checked. Scores in reading are down at our school. The Internet did not notice. Parents were not OUTRAGED. Or DEVASTATED. No one started a petition. Just sayin.
SIDEBAR RANT: The principal is not out to shut down fun. This is not an early 90s Saturday morning teen comedy. Like, come ON.
Look. I do understand. I like to dress my kid up in black pants and a white shirt and slick his hair down and go watch him sing (badly but proudly) while I videotape the whole thing. But it's gravy. It's not the meat and potatoes of what school is all about. Let's get mad about something that MATTERS.
One of my general pet peeves in life is when people get their perspective all out of alignment; when people make mountains out of molehills. Overreaction drives me crazy...so here I go. Commencing rant now:
Some parents at my kid's school are losing their shit because not all the kids will be doing a Christmas concert. Some kids will be doing Christmas and some will do a concert in the Spring. Everybody gets a concert. Now, I get it. Christmas is a super hairy big deal to some people.
SIDEBAR RANT: One parent mentioned that we are a Christian society. Please note that this is CANADA and in this community in particular we have many cultures and faiths. It is not accurate to say that Christmas is important to every family around here and it's ignorant to suggest that it is, or that because Christianity is predominant here that WE are a Christian society. Yeah I said it. IGNORANT. I don't care if you read it. You IG'NANT, Yuh HEAR?!
ANYWHO.....
You would think that this was an actual serious issue. People are suggesting that the new principal is out to shut down fun altogether. People are using words like DEVASTATED and OUTRAGED to describe their feelings. They are upset that they were not consulted. That the decision was not communicated earlier. That this is tradition and Christmas is essentially ruined. There is an online poll about this. Talk of a petition. Phone calls to the school. E-mails. Letters.
For contrast I would like to point out that our local news ran a story last month about falling test scores in Island schools. A link to the scores was posted online. I checked. Scores in reading are down at our school. The Internet did not notice. Parents were not OUTRAGED. Or DEVASTATED. No one started a petition. Just sayin.
SIDEBAR RANT: The principal is not out to shut down fun. This is not an early 90s Saturday morning teen comedy. Like, come ON.
Look. I do understand. I like to dress my kid up in black pants and a white shirt and slick his hair down and go watch him sing (badly but proudly) while I videotape the whole thing. But it's gravy. It's not the meat and potatoes of what school is all about. Let's get mad about something that MATTERS.
Sunday 2 November 2014
This is the only thing on the Internet that is not about Jian Ghomeshi
This post is not about Jian. Just so we're clear.
So the Pineau kids are over for a sleepover. What I always find interesting when these kids are together is how different they are from each other. Physically, personality...everything.
Take Gavin and Carter. Gavin is tall but he's slight. He doesn't even weigh 50 pounds and he is a few weeks shy of his seventh birthday. He's all arms and legs and knobby knees and freckled cheeks. Like a little boy. Carter, who is younger, could pass for nine. Easily. He's a big kid. Not like, overweight big, like SOLID. When I pulled his PJs out of his bag and held them up they went from my neck to my feet. They'd fit ME! He's SIX. His hands are big and his feet are big and he can probably bench, like 125. But he's a little kid. And he behaves like a little kid but when you look at him you expect him to be more independent or mature or something. Gavin more looks the part.
The girls are really different from each other too. Summer is tall and blond. Farrah is petite and dark. They don't look the same age either, in my opinion, but in this case Summer looks older. I think it has more to do with their personalities than their appearance though. Summer is serious and prim. Farrah is snuggly and giggle-y and just so stinkin' CUTE. Summer is cute but would not liked to be told so. She would say "Puppies and babies are cute" and give you an indignant stare. Summer's a bit of a know it all. She's bossy and competitive and particular. Farrah is just easy. She's always happy and bubbly and just goes along with whatever Summer is doing. And every now and then she takes a break and comes over just to give you a hug. no reason. Just time for a hug. You have to make an appointment to hug Summer.
I also find it interesting with the boys that their influence on each other increases the badness exponentially. It doesn't double. It's like bad to the power of 10. Like, as I was typing this they flew by me up the stairs carrying swords.
Me: GUYS! Don't run on the stairs!
Boys: THUMP THUMP THUMP
Me: DO NOT MESS UP SUMMER'S ROOM!
Gavin: Let's go mess up Mom and Dad's room instead
ME: NO!
Carter: Meh let's do it anyways
I'm sick of the sound of my own voice. I have set a new record for saying "No! Stop! Cut that out! This is your FINAL warning!"
On a totally unrelated note Mark popped out last night and when he was coming home he texted me to ask if I wanted him to pick up some wine. I said "YES!". He came home with a box of wine, 24 beers, and 8 Bacardi coolers.
So the Pineau kids are over for a sleepover. What I always find interesting when these kids are together is how different they are from each other. Physically, personality...everything.
Take Gavin and Carter. Gavin is tall but he's slight. He doesn't even weigh 50 pounds and he is a few weeks shy of his seventh birthday. He's all arms and legs and knobby knees and freckled cheeks. Like a little boy. Carter, who is younger, could pass for nine. Easily. He's a big kid. Not like, overweight big, like SOLID. When I pulled his PJs out of his bag and held them up they went from my neck to my feet. They'd fit ME! He's SIX. His hands are big and his feet are big and he can probably bench, like 125. But he's a little kid. And he behaves like a little kid but when you look at him you expect him to be more independent or mature or something. Gavin more looks the part.
The girls are really different from each other too. Summer is tall and blond. Farrah is petite and dark. They don't look the same age either, in my opinion, but in this case Summer looks older. I think it has more to do with their personalities than their appearance though. Summer is serious and prim. Farrah is snuggly and giggle-y and just so stinkin' CUTE. Summer is cute but would not liked to be told so. She would say "Puppies and babies are cute" and give you an indignant stare. Summer's a bit of a know it all. She's bossy and competitive and particular. Farrah is just easy. She's always happy and bubbly and just goes along with whatever Summer is doing. And every now and then she takes a break and comes over just to give you a hug. no reason. Just time for a hug. You have to make an appointment to hug Summer.
I also find it interesting with the boys that their influence on each other increases the badness exponentially. It doesn't double. It's like bad to the power of 10. Like, as I was typing this they flew by me up the stairs carrying swords.
Me: GUYS! Don't run on the stairs!
Boys: THUMP THUMP THUMP
Me: DO NOT MESS UP SUMMER'S ROOM!
Gavin: Let's go mess up Mom and Dad's room instead
ME: NO!
Carter: Meh let's do it anyways
I'm sick of the sound of my own voice. I have set a new record for saying "No! Stop! Cut that out! This is your FINAL warning!"
On a totally unrelated note Mark popped out last night and when he was coming home he texted me to ask if I wanted him to pick up some wine. I said "YES!". He came home with a box of wine, 24 beers, and 8 Bacardi coolers.
Sunday 14 September 2014
Whatthefuck Cake
Get to Eenie's for a family get together.
Mare: Oh my God! Just WAIT til you see what's for dessert!
Me: Why what's for dessert?
I feel no sense of suspense. Eenie's house is like heaven if heaven is a big kitchen filled with home baked sweets, which of COURSE heaven is because it's HEAVEN. Anywho, it's nothing unusual for there to be a delicious sweet treat waiting for us at Eenie's so I'm kinda like yeah ok whatevs.
Mare: it's a Cher-umple!
Me: It's a what?
Mare: Cher-ber-umple
Me: Chrumple?
Mare: Frumple
Me: ok sure
So we visit, we eat (I mentioned this place is heaven right?) and then it's dessert time. Out comes this....this...THING. I shit you not it's about 12 inches tall, round like a cake and covered in cream coloured icing. So some sort of gigantic cake? Yes......and also no. It's more like "cake...S" because it's 3 cakes. But that's not all. It's also pie. Except it's not pie it's "pie....S" because it's 3 pies.
Let me try to explain this to you...
There are 3 layers. Each layer is a different kind of cake. With a PIE baked INSIDE the cake. Just let that sink in. The bottom is white cake with an apple pie inside. The middle is spice cake with a pumpkin pie baked inside. The top is chocolate cake with a cherry pie baked inside. It's like the ter-duck-en of desserts. The whole thing is glued together with cream cheese icing. It looks like this...
I pinch myself. I silently mouth "WHAT THE FUCK!"
Heaven. Eenie's house is heaven.
Mare: Oh my God! Just WAIT til you see what's for dessert!
Me: Why what's for dessert?
I feel no sense of suspense. Eenie's house is like heaven if heaven is a big kitchen filled with home baked sweets, which of COURSE heaven is because it's HEAVEN. Anywho, it's nothing unusual for there to be a delicious sweet treat waiting for us at Eenie's so I'm kinda like yeah ok whatevs.
Mare: it's a Cher-umple!
Me: It's a what?
Mare: Cher-ber-umple
Me: Chrumple?
Mare: Frumple
Me: ok sure
So we visit, we eat (I mentioned this place is heaven right?) and then it's dessert time. Out comes this....this...THING. I shit you not it's about 12 inches tall, round like a cake and covered in cream coloured icing. So some sort of gigantic cake? Yes......and also no. It's more like "cake...S" because it's 3 cakes. But that's not all. It's also pie. Except it's not pie it's "pie....S" because it's 3 pies.
Let me try to explain this to you...
There are 3 layers. Each layer is a different kind of cake. With a PIE baked INSIDE the cake. Just let that sink in. The bottom is white cake with an apple pie inside. The middle is spice cake with a pumpkin pie baked inside. The top is chocolate cake with a cherry pie baked inside. It's like the ter-duck-en of desserts. The whole thing is glued together with cream cheese icing. It looks like this...
I pinch myself. I silently mouth "WHAT THE FUCK!"
Heaven. Eenie's house is heaven.
Wednesday 10 September 2014
BIG news!!!!!
Phone call from Mom last night...
Me: Hey
Mom: I (dramatic pause) am calling (dramatic pause) with BIG news! BIG!
Me: You're pregnant
Mom (completely serious...she doesn't "get" sarcasm): Ah..no. No. Ella I'm 60 years old. I...no.
Me: SIGH. I know Mom. I was kidding.
Mom: Oh...errrrrrrr....well anyway I have BIG news! You'll never guess!
Me: No I probably won't so just tell me
(long pause for added suspense during which I tell Gavin to go brush his teeth because I'm barely listening anyway and am pretty certain this news isn't going to be big at all)
Mom: Old blue has gone to the curb! (holds breath waiting for my...my what? Screech of excitement? What the fuck is she even talking about?)
Me: Old who went to the what now?
Mom (still expectant): Old blue! The couch! The blue couch!
Me: The....Ohhhh...ok I know which couch you mean (she's talking about this blue couch that we got when I was I dunno...12?) So you finally threw it out did you?
Mom: YEP!
Me:.................................................................................
Mom:................................................................................
Me:..........................................................AAAAAAND.....
Mom: Well...umm...that's it. We threw it out! After all these years!
Me: So let me run back through this one more time. The "BIG NEWS" is that you threw away an old moldy couch?
Mom: Yeah
Me: And you didn't find, say, diamonds or something cool in the cushions or anything?
Mom (again not "getting" sarcasm): No. Why would there be diamonds in the cushions?
Me: So the whole story is that you have this 25 plus year old couch that is old and saggy and smelly and you threw it away. That's the WHOLE thing?
Mom: Well yeah.
Me: Ohhhhhhh-KAY. Well I'm...err...happy for you? I guess?
Mom: I KNOW! (Wow. She still thinks this is a big deal)
Me: Okey dokey then. I have to put Gavin to bed now so if you don't have any other exciting news...did you put gas in the car today maybe? Or eat berakfast or anything cool like that? No?
Mom (once again, there's that no sarcasm thing): Oh I always eat breakfast Ella.
Me:..............M'kay. Buh bye.
Me: Hey
Mom: I (dramatic pause) am calling (dramatic pause) with BIG news! BIG!
Me: You're pregnant
Mom (completely serious...she doesn't "get" sarcasm): Ah..no. No. Ella I'm 60 years old. I...no.
Me: SIGH. I know Mom. I was kidding.
Mom: Oh...errrrrrrr....well anyway I have BIG news! You'll never guess!
Me: No I probably won't so just tell me
(long pause for added suspense during which I tell Gavin to go brush his teeth because I'm barely listening anyway and am pretty certain this news isn't going to be big at all)
Mom: Old blue has gone to the curb! (holds breath waiting for my...my what? Screech of excitement? What the fuck is she even talking about?)
Me: Old who went to the what now?
Mom (still expectant): Old blue! The couch! The blue couch!
Me: The....Ohhhh...ok I know which couch you mean (she's talking about this blue couch that we got when I was I dunno...12?) So you finally threw it out did you?
Mom: YEP!
Me:.................................................................................
Mom:................................................................................
Me:..........................................................AAAAAAND.....
Mom: Well...umm...that's it. We threw it out! After all these years!
Me: So let me run back through this one more time. The "BIG NEWS" is that you threw away an old moldy couch?
Mom: Yeah
Me: And you didn't find, say, diamonds or something cool in the cushions or anything?
Mom (again not "getting" sarcasm): No. Why would there be diamonds in the cushions?
Me: So the whole story is that you have this 25 plus year old couch that is old and saggy and smelly and you threw it away. That's the WHOLE thing?
Mom: Well yeah.
Me: Ohhhhhhh-KAY. Well I'm...err...happy for you? I guess?
Mom: I KNOW! (Wow. She still thinks this is a big deal)
Me: Okey dokey then. I have to put Gavin to bed now so if you don't have any other exciting news...did you put gas in the car today maybe? Or eat berakfast or anything cool like that? No?
Mom (once again, there's that no sarcasm thing): Oh I always eat breakfast Ella.
Me:..............M'kay. Buh bye.
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